Input needed please take time to read

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
Input needed please take time to read
10
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 10:05am

Hello Everybody :0)
Just wanted a little input on my current situation.. My daughter will be 13 in March we also have a ten year old boy. My daughter has always been somewhat of a handful at times and my husband and I at times have a difference of opinion when it comes to grounding her etc..

Last night she started to mouth at me and my husband started to intervene, and I asked him kindly to (butt out and that I was taking care of it) however, he continued to intervene.. Things got out of control and instead of everyone going to their seperate corners and cool off, my husband unplugged her phone line out of the phone jack and it 100% made things so much worse..

Next thing you know my daughter is calling my husband a mother f~ing #$@$%$$#%$$ and so on and then I went into her room to talk to her and she called me a mother F ing bitch!! I was so hurt and upset and I said to her that the cell phone is GONE and she didnt seem to care so out of anger I took the cell and broke it in half.. It shocked her! I told her that she no longer will have the privillage to have a cell. After calming down I felt terrible that I BROKE the phone.. I 100% will be disconnecting the cell service and sticking to that however, feel terrible that I broke the phone. I wrote her a note and left it on the counter this morning, explaining that I love her so much and I am so upset with the choices that she made by cursing and talking to us the way she did however, i shouldnt have broke her cell etc.. She didnt acknowledge my letter to her and I just feel terrible about the entire sitution..

What are we to do?? Her mouth is so disrespectful.. She thinks she can just do whatever she wants to do.. I know its easier for other parents to say I just wouldnt put up with that but until your in this situation, its easier said then done.. She is extremly spoiled and my husband and I are tring to figure out what the proper punishment should be for what she did.. What are you opinions on the punishment? I dont want to go too easy nor too harsh..

Everything is about friends!!!!!!!!! Everytime we give her an inch she takes a foot.. I cant imagine that this is only the beginning at age 13 whats she going to do when shes 15 16?? I need advice and suggestions.. God Help Me. ~Kriss~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 10:58am

Well, I certainly think there should be some punishment for swearing at parents and name calling. And you're right, if you don't nip it in the bud when she's 13, it's only going to get worse when she's older. I think the key is what you said, although I'm not sure exactly what you mean "she's extremely spoiled." If she has had the expectation in the past of getting her own way no matter what, that's going to be a hard habit to break.

I would also look at the way you & DH react when there's a disagreement. I really belive that if kids see that their parents either yell at each other or yell at her when there's a disagreement, they shouldn't be surprised when the child thinks that's how to react back at them. There should be no swearing or yelling by anyone, no matter what. Kids can really push your buttons. There have been a few times when I really yelled at my DD and then later on, I was sorry and told her so, that I over-reacted, etc. I do see that kids today think nothing of using bad language that in my h.s. days (the 70's) I wouldn't have used. My 17 yo DD will use the F-word in situations when it makes me cringe. I had to laugh though when my DH mentioned something to his DD about not downloading any songs for her IPod that had bad words in them. I told him that w/ the language he used, there was nothing she hadn't already heard.

I also try, whenever possible, to see that the punishment should fit the crime. Sometimes there's nothing you can do if it's not related and you have to do something like grounding or taking away privileges. But for ex., when my DSD was using the cell to make calls late at night when she should have been in bed, I thought it was logical to take the cell away, but what she did was disrespectful to you, so I don't see what taking the cell away has to do w/ that. I might give her the chance to earn it back by doing extra chores or something. You & DH also have to get on the same page as far as punishments, etc. I do think fathers tend to over-react sometimes, and esp. w/ girls, he has to realize that the hormonal changes are involved and they can be very sweet one minute and raving lunatics the next.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 11:54am
Gosh, your good :0) .. You understand where I am coming from.. And its true with husband and I being on the same page. We have discussed this time and time agian however when he gets angry its like he blocks everything!! It is my belief that this situation would have never gone as far as it did if my husband would have not gotten involved and your right regarding both of us being on the same page and not arguing in front of the kids and we have talked about that too however when it is happening it all goes out the window with him.. My husband is usually calm and non confrontational for the exception of my daughter.. I dont want to bash him either because he does try hard.. Every morning when hes on his way into work and my daughter is at the bus stop he calls her and tells her that he loves her and they have talk its really nice.. He just doesnt get the hormone/ boy/ talking on the phone stuff AT ALL!! Im not making excuses for her behavior however, I dont know how to make him see!!!!!!! Thanks so much.. Kriss
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 12:10pm

One thing I have found and I don't know if it's true in your family, is that mothers tend to talk among themselves about their problems w/ their kids, so they know whatever their kids are doing is something that all kids the same age are doing, i.e. getting more difficult in the teen years. I remember standing on the sidelines at my DD's soccer games and chatting w/ other moms about how everyone's DD was perfectly nice outside of the house and a PITA to their own family, and we just kind of laughed about it. I don't know if dads do that as much, so they think it's kind of personal to them. I would also read articles and books, like "Yes, your teen is crazy" which describe how the brain changes during the teenage years and mention this to my DH. Our situation is even more complicated by the fact that it's a 2nd marriage and my DH and DD don't get along at all. Of course, he doesn't get along w/ his own DD, so mainly it's him.

Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 5:00pm

I totally understand where you're coming from. It's so hard to discipline when you in the throws of a blowup. We had a similar situation with our daughter and found that we all just needed a few days to cool off, and then sat down to discuss what really happened and why our "explosion" should never happen again. The best thing to do is just..walk away and cool down. Nothing and I mean nothing ever gets settled in the midst of an explosive argument. I also find that...and this is the hardest thing to do but it works..interjecting a little humor in the conversation helps. Kids that age will say anything that's on their mind. They're not thinking rationally. Parents have to understand that and never take it personally.

You may not like what I now going to say, and this is just my opinion, but regardless of this age of "technology", I don't believe a child who isn't even 13 yet, needs a cell phone. I would, in no cetain terms, feel guilty about what you did (except for the fact that sooner or later, you'll have to pay for a new phone). I have two daughters and we kept in contact at that age without a cell phone and with no problems. They did not receive a phone until they were both 16 and beginning to drive (which is a whole other story). If you provide all the "goodies" now, it will only get worse when they're 16, 17 and so on.

True, at this age, it is all about friends, but children have to know that their parents are there to love and support them...and to also discipline them and to set guidelines. They may lash out at you, but better to keep a child safe and secure than to just give in to them. Children will take as much as you give them. It's up to you to set limits regarding cell phones, computer usage, curfews, etc. and to stick with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2007
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 1:50pm

Here's what works for me - hope it helps...

First off – you and your husband have to present a united
front. You can’t falter on this, or nothing will work from this point on. Kids are too good at the "divide and conquer" thing.

Second – stop with the yelling. Even if your daughter is yelling, don’t do it. It doesn’t work, doesn’t add to the solution of the problem, doesn’t teach your daughter how to resolve problems.

Third – Stop feeling guilty for providing discipline, boundaries and limitations for your daughter. Even though she acts as though she doesn’t want these things, she craves them. Snapping the cell phone in half was an angry act – but calmly taking it away and explaining to her that she needs to treat you with respect in order to earn it back is called “parenting”.

Parenting is not for wimps – so put your big girl panties on, Mom, dig your heels in and love your daughter. She will thank you for it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 3:04am

Sonya's Teenage Experience: An Adolescent Life Less Ordinary?

A teenager's perspective on privileges for teenagers. I have been there and done that. In this issue:

Mobile Phones
Internet and Computer Usage
Telephone Time
TV Time

Mobile Phones:

I received a mobile phone from my parents when I entered Year 7, so I must have been about 12, because I was going to become a latchkey child. If I'd become a latchkey child later, I wouldn't have got the phone until that happened. It wasn't a very fancy one, but I was 12, so I couldn't have cared less. I cared more about buying books and CDs.

I've been through about four mobile contracts and handsets now, and I'm pretty responsible - I'm on a plan, so my bill is made up largely of handset repayment and line rental, with few calls and more text messages, though I get 50 free messages a month.

There are a myriad of ways to keep a phone and keep it cheaply, but parents need to ask about these options when phone shopping. My mum has a function that calls to my mobile are free for the first 3 minutes. Get what you know will promote staying in contact with your child, not what will promote them staying in contact with their friends. I chose text because my mother and I also text each other quite often, although I do SMS my friends, but I prefer to talk to them on the landline or MSN. Currently my parents pay for the phone as I don't have a part-time job. They wanted me to concentrate on school, but now I'm going to uni, I will have a lot of time on my hands, so I'll get a job. When I am on my feet sufficiently to meet the payments, they will stop paying for it.

Computer and Internet Usage:

When we first got the Internet I was about nine, and at that point I was allowed on for half an hour a day, because it tied up the phone line. As I grew older and more familiar with the 'net, I was allowed to use it for longer periods of time. We got Broadband only about 18 months ago. I am allowed to use the computer and Internet whenever I like.

I do not have a MySpace, but do have an account on there (without the actual "page" containing pictures, blog entries and so forth) so I can listen to music and look at my friends' spaces. I used to run my own personal Web site. I have met only one person offline that I had met online, and I went with my mother.

I'm a self-professed MSN Messenger addict. Most of my social life happens on there. I prefer it to talking on the phone to someone as I am quite a shy person. I got together with my first boyfriend on there, receive invitations to others' houses, and so forth. My parents have never looked at my chat logs, and I tell my mother the large majority of what is said on there anyway (how else will I get permission to go to the movies or suchlike?).

Telephone Time:

Using the telephone is not an issue in my home, and my mother receives more calls than I do. She also makes more, and longer, calls than I do. And I'm still a teenage girl, so that's kind of sad, I realise.

Screen Time:

We have cable TV, and I love to watch VH1 and the other music video channels, but I generally don't sit there and watch a show. I used to watch Dawson's Creek religiously 'til the fourth season, and now have all the box sets, so I'm kind of clinging to childhood there! I was about 11 when DC started, and I was not allowed to watch the episodes 'The Scare', 'Abby Morgan, Rest In Peace' or 'Escape From Witch Island'. Any show I love - as Australian TV networks are notorious for doing - gets cancelled, or put on "hiatus" (see Veronica Mars). I like Doctor Who as well, same as my dad.

I've got a small TV in my room, and my DVD player is my PS2.

I've taken to setting up my PS2 in the lounge room as that's where the air conditioner is, and play in there when the days are hot (we're in a very long, hot summer Down Under), and usually play Singstar, Buzz! Quiz or Kingdom Hearts. I usually sit and play for maybe five hours, but not every day.

This post will be continued very shortly!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 3:27am

Sonya's Teenage Experience: An Adolescent Life Less Ordinary?

A teenager's perspective on privileges for teenagers. I have been there and done that. In this issue:

Crime and Punishment
Wagging
Curfews
Dating and the Dreaded "S" Word
Alcohol, Smoking and Drugs

Crime and Punishment:

I never felt the need to sneak out anywhere, or lie about where I was going. I was not really allowed to take public transport, and so required lifts from my parents to wherever I wanted to go. I cannot drive. I've never been grounded, or had something taken away. The biggest punishment, I find, is having your parents be disappointed in you. I think I lied about school work a few times (maths was a really hellish subject for me - still is), and once, I forgot my clarinet for my lesson that day, and got caught in a lie that my teacher lent me one to use. They're the ones that really stick out.

I never felt compelled to lie about anything else. My mother knows just about everything I did with the two boyfriends I've had so far, and the party hookup I had (never again, I've done it, it's not fun). She's been my friend, as well as my parent, all my life.

I've never shoplifted.

Wagging:

I've never wagged. Partly because I see no point, and partly because I would've got caught, and they'll have come down on me like a tonne of bricks. This will happen because I am a goody two-shoes. Ironic, no?

(Wagging is ... I think you call it playing hooky? Basically it's skipping school for other, more exciting pursuits, like sitting at home and doing nothing).

Curfews:

What is a curfew? Could someone please explain what this is to me? I seldom went out, and it was always understood that whatever time I finished where I was, my parents would pick me up and make sure I got home safely. There was never any sort of curfew. I did not go out on school nights. I don't think any of my friends ever had curfews, except one boy who has to get up early for church on Sunday mornings, so he doesn't stay out late on Saturdays.

Dating and the Dreaded "S" Word:

I had my first boyfriend when I was 16 and he was 15, and believe you me, I was shocked that someone liked me. We're still great friends.

I was allowed to have boys in my room with the door closed. Perhaps this was because I had known these boys for several years and had been friends with them before I went out with them. I've never dated anyone I didn't know for a long time beforehand. Also, when my last boyfriend would sleep over, he would sleep in the lounge and myself in my room, and come into my bed about 7 in the morning. I slept. Also, anything done in my room will be heard, because my walls are paper-thin (I think dad did this on purpose when he knew I was a girl), and my mother knows that I will not be having sex with anyone. Ew!

I've given hand jobs to the last ex, and he gave me oral sex ("head" as they call it these days). But basically, I got a lot more out of him than he got out of me.

I had turned 18 by the time I did both these things. That relationship was about two years in the making so it felt like the dating had been going on for a long time, even if we weren't "together". It was really just understood that The Ex and I were just waiting to happen - the "will-they-or-won't-they" non-couple of the school.

I have been on the Pill since I was 15 because of my spots (my dad had it bad, so it wasn't really a shock). I was considering losing my virginity recently to my last boyfriend but did not. I think the fact that I laugh when someone mentions condoms or penises or vaginas (vaginae? vaginuses?) signifies a serious lack of readiness and maturity in that area. Good thing too, as he was a grade-A jerk and the stories I could tell you will stop your girls dating for fear of all guys being like this pr**k!

In short, mother wants to know everything about my relationships and what happens - dad is in denial and has said little on the subject apart from, "I've got a rifle. If he makes you cry, I will make him cry." My last boyfriend is yet to sob like a baby, but my dad's a patient man.

Alcohol, Smoking and Drugs - How Teens Have Fun These Days:

I was never interested in drinking myself into oblivion. I'm allowed to now, and I still don't want to, although my parents have made me promise that I get absolutely wasted for the first time at home ("What, so you can laugh at me?" "No, so we can look after you because we know you won't do it again, but we want you to be safe.")

I've started drinking at social events with my friends, but it only takes one of those Breezers to get me feeling sick in my stomach (apparently there's no remedy for that but to drink more), but I don't like that feeling, and I don't drink more. Those ads about drinking and its dangers have got to me hook, line and sinker.

I'm curious about drugs, but once again, the cautionary tales about drugs and overdoses are enough to keep my curiosity to just that - curiosity of the theoretical variety, and not of the active variety.

I half-joke about taking up a smoking habit, but I know I never will. My mother is a smoker and that's enough. It is accepted as law in our household that I will not smoke.

Miscellaneous Things I Did and Things That Happened to Me:

This section is simply to let you know other things that occurred during my adolescence. It's not a basis for comparison, but simply to provide extra details for the "portrait of the writer as a young woman".

- I wore a thong once. I must have been 15. Never again.
- I drank alcohol at school once. Year 8 or so. We thought we were SO COOL. We mixed Baileys and vanilla Coke. Yum.
- I started wearing make-up at 12 because my acne had started to show up. It's taken me a few years, but I've developed a nice "base face" that is simple and natural-looking.
- I started wearing a bra at 12.
- I started my period at 13.

Endspeak:

So this was basically how my adolescence passed, and the kinds of things that were allowed. I'm an only child, so my parents and I have always coexisted quite peacefully and I've been brought up to be mature. I might be nothing like your own "hormonal hurricanes", but I've come through the battlegrounds of adolescence for the most part, and I think I've come through pretty well. I might not be someone you'd want your kids to be friends with, but if I can give the mothers out there some pointers on what their daughters might be experiencing and expecting, then I'm happy, because I'll feel like maybe I know what I'm on about.

Lastly: love your adolescents through "stick" and thin, in sickness and in health, through identity crises and fashion faux pas, through self-hate and eventual self-acceptance, good grades and bad, iPods and mobile phones, moodiness and mouthing off, heartache and hormones, 'til your child and teenage life do part.

They need you now, more than ever. And always remember that they love you more than they can express. You'll make it - both of you.




Edited 1/14/2007 3:49 am ET by abbag1rl
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 9:54am

Well, Kriss, so much is going on, but here are a few of my thoughts...

If your DD is hearing you yell and scream at her, or you and DH yelling at each other, what is she learning? To yell, scream, and swear when she's frustrated. That part of the interaction needs to stop ASAP. Even if you have to bite your tongue off, model more appropriate ways of dealing with frustration for her - that's how she's going to learn to handle things more appropriately herself.

When you mess up, apologize - face to face, not in a note or email. It teaches her that sometimes parents mess up too, and that's ok, it doesn't mean the end of life as we know it. AND it teaches her how to make amends when she messes up.

I'm not saying I'm a perfect parent, because I'm FAR from that, but DD 15 and I have a pretty good relationship. We don't yell and scream at each other, and we never have. She went thru a period at about 12 and 13 where she was very moody, snippy, and basically a drama queen... but I resolved that she was going to be even worse if I responded in kind. That meant there were times when I'd have to say "I don't like you very much right now, we will talk when you calm down" - and I might have to lock myself in my room for awhile to calm down. Nothing is ever accomplished when tempers are running high, and someone has to nip things in the bud. The teen is NOT going to be the one to do it, it HAS to be the parent, who supposedly has the maturity to control what is said and done, at least a little more than the teen does. And if I do loose it with her, I go to her later and apologize for it.

About a week ago, DD 15 and I had a disagreement about a situation, she was pretty angry, and said some things she shouldn't have. I just looked at her and said "listen to yourself, do you really mean what you're saying?" and walked away. She spent the rest of the evening in her room, writing in her journal I'm sure, about what a horrible, nasty mom I am. Oh well, much better than saying those things to my face. The next morning she gave me a hug and said "Mom, I'm sorry I was such a drama queen last night. Can we talk?" We talked about the situation, and came up with a good compromise. Is it exactly what I want to have happen? No, not really, but it's liveable. Is it exactly what she wanted? No, but she's going to live with it. But it is the way I've tried to teach her to deal with situations, it's the way adults deal with difficult situations in the real world.

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 10:49am

Really nice post.

zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 11:34am

My question here would be... in what way did taking her cell phone away, have anything to do with disrespecting you? Arbitary punishments, as you surely have seen, usually just escalate an already sour mood and make things worse. If the consequence has nothing to do with the offense then what has she really learned. I can see taking her cell if you heard her talking after lights out, or she ran up a bill.. but the cell phone had nothing to do with the situation at hand.

I have a few simple rules that I follow in disciplining my son.

1. Never give a consequence in the moment. I always wait until I have calmed down from the stituation and had a chance to examine the situation from all angles and considered my ds's point of view. IMO Nothing is less productive than a knee jerk, emotionally charged reaction to an emotionally charged teen.

2. Never give a consequence without discussing the situation with my dh in private. Dh and I are a team and any consequence or discipline (as in guidance.. not punishment) is given as a team.. with both of us working together and talking to him together.

3. All consequences should in some way be related to the infraction at hand. If my son abuses his cell phone priveleges, then he looses the cell phone. If talks disrespectfully to me, then he's done damage to our relationship. As a result of this, he needs to actively take steps to help rebuild and strengthen our relationship. I would rather he speak respectfully to me out of guenuine caring and respect for our relationship, than because dh and I demanded that he show respect and held a punishment over his head if he didn't.

4. Finally, remember that real discipline has nothing to do with punishments. It's not about teaching the child a lesson so that they will avoid a situation in the future. It is about teaching a child life skills so that they will have the tools neccessary to be able to make better choices in the future.

JMO
stacy