Input on Punishment/consequence for DD
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| Mon, 01-23-2006 - 2:55pm |
DD had a creative writing assignment first draft due today for her advanced English class. This was IMO a very simple thing, and dd is nothing if not creative. Her strength is in writing. Of course she knew about it in advance, and do did I. The first part of her assignment was to turn in the plot and idea, which she did. But dd had not looked carefully at the particulars, and the draft had to be 6-8 pages in length. To make a long story short, dd was up until 11:30 a.m. trying to finish story she had told me she was working on all weekend and was going to be "no problem". It was only 4 pages long when typed. I'm pretty upset with her, as I've given her a chance to show she's trustworthy. IMO she failed; she did the assignment, but barely. She had many opportunies all weekend, and squandered all of her time (sound familiar?) despite constant reminders on my part. Of course, the natural consequence will be that it will affect her (already bad) grade. Dh and I think, however, that we need to come up with another consequence on our end. The t.v. was taken out of her room when her report card came out, and has not made its way back in. She has a cell phone. Should I ground her this weekend, or take the cell phone away? Any other ideas? She doesn't see friends during the week, but does watch t.v. in the family room.
To those of you who don't know dd's background, she has been quite troubled this past year. She was cutting, but according to her therapist is no longer and hasn't for some time (unless she's lying to her too, although I also have seen no evidence). However, therapist suspects learning disabilities, and depression. We are having her tested. I'm not saying she doesn't have them, but there is just an incredible lack of motivation on her part, which probably is not unlike alot of 14 yo girls. Help?
Marie

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mom dragonfly,
My DD pulled a similar stunt just before Christmas -- just didn't manage her time well with other commitments she'd made. I let her take a (mostly minor) fall and left it at that. Overall she is a good student, and that was pretty much her 1st offense. I think she learned from her error in judgement ... ALTHOUGH ... she chose not to do much in the way of studying for her finals last week. It remains to be seen how much she actually did learn from her experience, I guess.
Anyway, you didn't say if this is your DD's first offense of this nature, but did say her grade in this class wasn't too good.
If it was her first offense, and her grade in the class was reasonable, I'd probably let it go and hope for a lesson learned.
However, since you say her grade isn't so good, what do you think about contacting her teacher for an extra credit assignment to pull her grade up and restricting her upcoming weekend activities solely to the assignment? And I think definitely no cell phone! You would probably have to monitor her progress over the weekend and that can get to be tiresome, I know, but it would help her grade and may to be a just consequence to not getting her work done on time.
Just an idea,
Julie
I think taking away the cell phone would be better. Is it something she likes, uses often, and would want to get back? If its something she really relies on, then it'd probably be more effective. When she gets it back could be something like when she gets her grade up to a B, if she turns in all her assignments for two weeks, etc.
Also, Julie had a good idea of asking the teacher for an long extra assignment, whether for credit or not and require her to finish it before going out on the weekend.
Just adding another view here from someone who remembers staying up til 3am typing a term paper Jr year (a longggg time ago).
Hi. IMO, punishing her won't teach her anything in this case. I would ASK HER what HER thoughts are about the whole experience. Ask HER if
I truly understand what you're going through as far as the motivation goes. My dd had a bad downward spiral with motivation and grades at the end of 7th grade and during the second quarter of this year. We had her tested for ADD (against the advice of her teachers who thought, frankly, that i was nuts) and, guess what? She has a mild case of ADD, we put her on Strattera, she finished 7th grade on a good note and was a high honor student in 8th. When things started to slip here, we had her dose adjusted and she is doing better. It's not that simple though, and I know you understand that.
As far as punsihment goes, when dd started spiraling in 7th I sat her down and told her that we knew she could get a B in math - until she brought home a B she was offline and couldn't watch TV on school nights. She came in 1 point under an A. I posted earlier about how we did basicually the same thing this year - the difference is that this time I closed all her accounts (because she went online during a restricted time, and this was an oft-repeated offense). She did very well on her finals and she has stated that she knows she would not have done so well if she'd be able to be online. It's a huge distraction for her. Your dd's situation might be different.
And, by the way, I admit to being the smug mom who said many years ago "I would NEVER EVER punish for grades." HA!!! Never say never.
jt
Hi Korie,
Just had to respond to your new siggy! I've been thinking about enrolling both children in a ballroom/latin dance course for teens that is being offered in a nearby community.
Of course, Chelsea is VERY keen on the idea, and very enthusiastic! DS, on the other hand, isn't so sure about it, says he'll go if I "force" him to, and that he will dance ONLY with Chelsea if he does!
We keep telling him that he'll be the guy the girls at his school dances will want to dance with if he's a really cool dancer, but that doesn't seem to sway him much in favor of. (I think girls are still kind of 'icky' in his 11yo brain.)
It looks and sounds like fun; I'll have to work on him some more.
Have a good week.
Personally, I would insist that she complete the assignment to my satisfaction. She would not be allowed out of the house on the weekend until it was done. I did this with my DD when her grades were not so great and it has seemed to work - she made a 104 on and Advanced Algebra and Trig test last week.
Good Luck!
jt,
We are considering whether or not dd has mild ADD as well. No teacher would have thought so, like your dd, and she was an exemplary student until she got to about 5th grade. This is classic for learning disabilities. We are having her tested. I would like to email you privately about Strattera. My ds, 16, is on Concerta now in his third week.
Thanks to all who replied. DD has been troubled for at least a year and a half. The downward spiral, grades-wise, began in 6th grade and got progressively worse. She really hit bottom in this first semester of 8th grade. And when I say bottom, believe me I mean it! We are looking at the possibility of her failing the 8th grade! The worst thing is dd's incredible lack of motivation. She says she'll do it, she's working on it, and it takes her way too long to accomplish some tasks. Others, she completes halfway. This is the "best she can do", yet I see her spending her time unwisely on other things. I guess its time to really take away all distractions and/or ground until the grades come back up. She's just so unhappy and depressed and has few friends, that I hate to make it worse, but let's face it, she needs to get her priorities in order.
In case anyone wonders, she's in therapy already (since this past summer). We are taking her for a psyche eval to see if she needs medication. We had another (is this talk #150?) about grades...I warned that privileges will be taken away if grades are not significantly improved next progress report. She replies that it doesn't matter how much I take away, nothing is going to change.
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