Input on sleepovers for 16 year old gay son

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Input on sleepovers for 16 year old gay son
Fri, 04-01-2011 - 12:53pm

I'm a single mom. A 13 year old daughter and a 16 year old son. Dad isn't in the picture at this time at all. My son is gay. He came out about 2 years ago. He was in a relationship for a year but they broke up right after Christmas. He's dated a couple of guys, but nothing serious. He just started dating a boy a couple days ago. He seems very polite and nice. We had him over for dinner and he engaged me in conversation when I drove him home -- and it didn't feel like Eddie Haskal at all! :) He seemed genuine.

Our house has always been full of kids. When we owned our home, we would easily have 9 kids stuffed in a tent in the backyard. With a boy and girl, we'd have co-ed sleepovers often when they were younger. There was a neighbor girl my son's age that practically lived with us until she was 10 and moved away. She has come to visit us and stayed overnight a couple times in the past year.

Obviously, now that they're teens, the co-ed sleep over thing takes on different meaning. So my daughter doesn't have boys sleep over anymore, etc. But my daughter has a girl sleep over and my son is in the house, and vice versa.

I'm looking to see how other parents of gay teens handle sleep overs. If my son was straight, I don't think I'd let his girlfriend sleep over. So logically he shouldn't be able to have a boyfriend sleep over, right? Only it feels weird because guys have friends sleep over, so to say my son can only have girls sleep over ... well, you can see that's a bit strange.

Also, being gay doesn't mean you'll want to have sex with every single male you interact with. You can have guys that are "just friends." So how do I say one can stay over cuz he's straight or just a friend, and one can't because there's a love interest? And how do I know he won't say a love interest is just a friend to get around that?

So are sleep overs done now for our family? How do other moms handle this situation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Mon, 04-04-2011 - 6:58pm

See, I slept overnight at friend's houses all the time in high school and they often slept at mine. My son is a sophomore and has tons of female friends, and they're always sleeping at each other's houses from the plans I hear them make, so I don't think it's something out of the ordinary. And I let them stay over here some weekends as long as I'm home. I'm not sure I'll banish sleep overs all together, but I guess the same-sex ones for my son will be out.

Thank you for all the input!

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Sat, 04-02-2011 - 12:41am

When my girls were were little, and then pre-teen, they NEVER had co-ed sleepovers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 04-01-2011 - 10:44pm

I think it's diff. for boys & girls--my DD was having sleepovers all the time when she was in high school--or should I say that it started in 1st grade and still hasn't ended even though she's 22--because in the summer time her friends will come & sleep over since we live near the beach.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Fri, 04-01-2011 - 10:26pm

I'm with Sue - really, once kids get in high school, there's no reason, IMO, for sleep overs. My boys did take part in some and looking back - I wish we would have stopped them once they got that age. During our oldest ds's senior year when he went through his rebellious phase most of the times he went out partying were when he was supposedly staying over with a friend. Nice family, goes to our church, had the 'open door, the more the merrier' policy. But the parents travelled a lot, the kids all slept down stairs with a walk out lower leve - I have no doubt he made an appearance but he went on to spend most of the night at the party houses. I'd just tell your ds that he's too old for sleep overs. He can have friends over to play video games, watch movies, etc. and they can leave at midnight or so. Honestly - not much good typically happens after that anyway ;-).

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Fri, 04-01-2011 - 1:49pm

You just have to use common sense.

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Fri, 04-01-2011 - 1:37pm
Based on input I got here, sleepovers are done once the kids are in high school, regardless of their preferences. Makes it way less tempting for experimentation of any kind.