Internet problem

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Internet problem
8
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 9:30am

Can't really talk to people where I am. Small town, everyone knows everyone. My 18 year old daughter is dating a really great guy. He is star football player, great grades, preparing for college majoring in Psychology. He treats her like a queen, respectful and loving. They are making plans for the future dating almost 2 years. He does have ADD and he is on medicine,so he sometimes just doesn't think beyond the moment. Very gulible.

Bringing me to the problem. The internet and this Myspace garbage. He seems to just recently developed a small fetish with nudity along with a some friends of his. Getting pictures of girls and my daughter jsut found one that he sent to a girl. He was mortified that she found out. He begged her not break them up, even to the point of crying. He never has been with anyone but her, ever. He didn't date before her and she was his first sexual experience. I am just hoping that this is his surge of hormones and he will calm down.

Any advice for me start with to talk to my daughter. Telling his parents is not an option. His mother is a teacher and is very strict with him, but obviously, as with all parents, does not know everything that goes on especially on this internet. It is great when it is useful, but sooooo many problems. I just feel telling her would be a big mistake and is not my place to medle in her parenting.

Sorry so long. Any advice would be deeply appreciated.

Andie

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 10:14am

Well, does your dd know you know? Has she confided this in you and have you already discussed? If so, my question is: what more do you want to discuss with her regarding this? Are you wanting to suggest that she break it off with him? Suggest that she tell his mother? Are you wanting to give her some possible suggestions on how to proceed in her relationship? IOW, what do you hope to gain by talking about this with her? Does she normally involve you in situations regarding her relationship?

I personally would discuss MY feelings about BF's behavior and what it could mean for dd, how it can affect thier emotional trust and thier physical relationship. I would tell her that I was there for her to talk about it if she needs to and I would suggest a cooling off period with BF so she can truly understand her own feelings about this situation.

I don't buy "it's a hormonal surge" idea because hormonal surges have been around since forever and men and women didn't always just go ahead and expose themselves to one another because they were feeling 'randy'. Mutual respect for one's body has gone out the window it seems.

I think that this feeling of 'anything goes' has permeated our lives to the extent that if you're not in it, your totally out and that's wrong. If your dd is offended and hurt by her BF's behavior then she should address that. IMO, swapping nude photos with others is the same as cheating and if it were my dd, I'd point that out and hope that she would react accordingly.

Best of luck - unfortunately, your dd is the one who needs to decide if this relationship is worth continuing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 10:39am
I hate myspace. It's evil. But aside from that, I have MAJOR red flags about this kid. How in the world could he NOT expect her to break up with him? You might want to advise her to at least take a break from him. And tell her not to be swayed by the crying thing. That's a fairly common tactic in abusers. I really wish you luck with this situation and I wish I had better advice for you.
J
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 10:43am

You have said everything that is in my head. Yes she confides in me, she knows I know. She said she has thought about breaking up with him, she did try and he begged her not to, Apoligized about 1,000,000 timess. She does love him very much. And yes it is cheating, but he has never been with anyone else. He spends all his free time with my daughter. She has become an unofficial member of their family. Included in all family affairs. And they are good people and they love her very much too. She said she wants to give him one more chance. We interfered with another relationship of hers and it ended horribly with parents and kids fighting. I am trying not to push my views off on her. I am the type of person who trys to see the good in everyone and I want her to grow up believing that good people can make mistakes, no one is perfect. And if you hunt for perfection, you will lead a very lonely existance, that goes for friends, parents, coworkers, everyone. And I want to believe that he really is a good kid in a bad situation. He was so perfect till this myspace thing started, I think he fell of his pedistool. And the thing is, all these kids are alike, yes there are exceptions, but few.

You are so right about that Myspace. It is nothing but sex, no wonder these kids are all confused. It needs to be shut down. I have my husband looking into some things.

Thank you for the advice. Maybe I just need to hear others feelings on the situation. I want her to be happy and I want her to learn to handle her relationships. She was hurt when she found out, but now is kinda passing it off. Have you seen that myspace. All these kids do is flirt and try to pick each other up. I know my little one can be a flirt, I have seen it. I may have failed to mention that she is no angel, by any stretch. Great kid, greats grades, accepted in a nursing program in the fall, but the same as all kids. They all do this stuff, can we stop it, I doubt it. That is why I am thinking it may just be phase thing. But I know she won't tolerate it again, I hope, and I hope that if he loves her as much as he says he does, he will try to curb this behavior.

Feels good to get it out, thanks so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Andie

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 11:12am

Andie, it's so hard to make them see what we see, learn from our own lessons. Part of thier growing up to be responsible and respectful adults often means that they make mistakes through thier teens and young adulthood - hopefully they learn from those mistakes.

I think that if all his friends are doing this on MySpace then it's likely he was just going along with the crowd and being stupid - probably lacking a maturity chip in his head somewhere in how his behavior relates to his relationship with your dd.

My 18dd is also in a semi-serious relationship. He's a nice kid, nice family, yadda yadda yadda - we do like him but my dd has had some issues with him in regards to his being controlling over how she spends her free time and who she hangs with...IOW, he doesn't like that she's friends with other guys and questions her about things. My dd became overwhelmed and broke it off with him, but now they are seeing one another again, though she's trying to keep him at arm's length moreso. I think her 'cooling off' a bit has helped her in so many ways - she's not as stressed and enjoys her down time. And I think it's helped thier relationship as well. They've both matured. I see his mom once in a while and she's such a lovely lady, but I think she may be clueless as to how insecure her son is, you know?

It sounds like your dd is normal and that you have an open discussion going - as long as she knows you're not 'judging' the BF, she will talk with you, I'm sure. In the meantime, I hope she takes a short break at least to let him feel a little burn and possibly rethink his behavior.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 11:19am

Thank you so much for your concern. I may have been putting out wrong signals. This young man is by no means an abuser or some perv. We had an experience with the last b/f, who was verbally and once used physical abuse, we know those signs now. Yes sending those pictures is wrong, VERY wrong. And I almost wish his mom would find out, he would have his computer taken away and will be grounded till he is out of college. But this stuff today is a no big deal with most of our children. Sad. I know, I hear the stories. My daughter is on a dance team at school and goes to a dance school where there tons of teenage girls. The horror stories would curl your hair.

I hate it, I wish I would have been a parent back in the 70's like my parents. But I'll be they thought the same thing about the things we did.

Thanks so much, I have my eyes and ears open at all time. I never let up, my daughter will attest to that, she hates it!!!!!!

Andie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 11:39am

You sound like a very caring and knowledgeable parent. Thanks.

Oh she has put the fear in him already. Her friends have devised some little plans to let him know that he is not the only fish in the sea interested in her, so to speak hahahhahaa. Without all the hurt, she has discretly spent less time with him. I think this may be helping, and believe me, he knows why. I will try to kinda put a little bug in her ear that way.

Our kids can be amazing and frustrating all at the same time. We will all look back at this stuff when we are old and looking at our grandchildren and laugh, I hope!!!

Andie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 12:40pm

Sounds to me like your DD is handling this appropriately.
It's a huge mistake, but the sky isn't falling.
Maybe helps to put this in perspective....
An 18 yr. old boy gets carried away in the vast wasteland we call the internet.
Him and his buddies find myspace. Do they say, "Gee guys this is really inappropriate material. We should turn this crap off and go shoot some hoops." ... uh... no.
So they do something really, really stupid because it's anonymous and they probably thought it was funny at the time.

It would seem to be more of an issue if he were alone doing this privately. It also would make a difference what you mean by "nude pictures." Are they simply nudes or was he broadcasting himself in a sexually provacative and/or pornographic manner.

I'm quite conservative with many issues. I don't buy into the "boys will be boys crap". But the internet has greatly changed how kids perceive things.

I think your DD is wonderfully smart to tell him, I'll let this go... once.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 1:03pm

Well...... he was alone, but the myspace group was started by three guys. They all did this stuff. It was not provocative, just pictures. Knowing this kid, I still am just floored. He is kinda shy, what possessed him, I do not know. Like I said, my daughter was his first, he didn't even know what to do, if I'm not too bold saying that.

My husband keeps saying the boys will be boys thing, but he was a boy hahahahha.

Thanks for the input, I greatly appreciate it.

Andie