Interrational Dating
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| Tue, 11-14-2006 - 12:14pm |
I need some advice. We are a white family, I was raised to not date outside of my race, my husband believes the same. I do not believe this makes us predjudice.
My daughter has had a bf who is mexican. We told her that she could not "go out with him" (they are not old enough to date but that is what they call going together). Well, she said she broke up with him. I kept seeing all the signs but she assured me that they were just friends, which is fine. I found out this weekend that she has been lying to me about everything for over 3 weeks now. I kept checking our cell phone account and suddenly she is sending and receiving hundreds of text messages and the only thing I could figure was during the night, because with school and all she wouldnt have time otherwise. It all came to a head this weekend when on Sunday night she was supposed to be in bed because she had school the next day. I walk in to check on her and she is on the phone. The boy's father that she has been going with lives with her best friends mom. (Hope that made sense) Anyway, when I caught her on the phone, I took it away and she made up another lie trying to cover who she was talking to and it was a BAD LIE! I immediately called her on it. Okay, when I take her phone, it starts beeping. She received a text message from the boy that she is not supposed to be seeing saying "G'night and I love you". Well, that is when all heck broke loose. My husband made her call him and break up right then and there because appearently she didn't do it the first time 3 weeks ago. I have always welcomed her best friend, or any other friend for that fact, into my home and took her places while her mother worked, fed her and she has always been welcome. She is half mexican. Now, her mother says she cannot come over to my house any longer because if we do not accept the boy, we cannot accept the friend.
I am not predjudice in any way. My daughter has hardly talked to me in 2 days now and she is acting so very depressed. I am afraid of what she might do. I am more upset by the lies than anything. Last night she had a ball game and all of her mexican friends just kept giving us looks. I told my husband 3 weeks ago that if we put our thumb down so hard on this that she would lie, and hide it all, sure enough, she did.
In the last weeks, her grades have dropped (not failing but from a straight A to straight B), she will not even think about going to church (But you can bet she will go this week!). She got a mail about a thing with the church in Jan. and they go to this big conference and concert, she used to would be begging to go, I asked her this morning about it and she said she wasn't interested.
I guess I am looking for any advice. I am not wanting to start a race debate or anything like that. That is just how I was raised. My daughter did go see the counselor at school yesterday and the counselor told my daughter that she was raised the same way, but she could not tell her to continue to lie to us, or what she was supposed to do.
HELP!

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All I can do is say I cannot relate - I will give an example of something similar in my family, and some sad consequences.
My cousin's daughter went out with a Hispanic boy in HS, and ended up getting pregnant her senior year; bf was a junior due to grades. She married him once he graduated, and her parents and grandparents shunned them due to his ethnic background, including her ds (who is now 18). I cannot imagine doing this to my own child or grandchild for this 'reason'; if the dh was a bad person who did horrible things to my dd, that's one thing, but otherwise I cannot see it. JMHO.
Sue, very proud of my cousin's daughter who picked up the pieces on her own and is now a managing nurse in an OR
I realize once my kids leave home, I have no say on who they date or marry, and I would never shun my kids. I do have control now, or at least I am trying.
Yes, we have brought up the fact that every girl here at the high school that has gotten pregnant is either mexican or a white girl dating a mexican boy.
As I said, I am not wanting to start a racial debate, but if you have any advice on what to do, like if your child was lying to you about lots of things, suddenly acting depressed because of getting in trouble, please help me.
Each and every one of us is raised a 'certain way' with 'certain unspoken rules'. That doesn't mean it's right or wrong.
My Point is that it isn't up to 'tradition' to tell you what you're comfortable with so falling back on 'what you were raised with' holds no water for me. What do YOU think, how do YOU feel, about interracial dating? If it's something that YOU'RE not comfortable with, then just say so, but stop using your upbringing as an excuse to impose rules on your children. There are people of non-white races who feel the same way that you do - they wouldn't dare want thier son/daughter dating a white person. There is nothing prejudicial about this at all. It's just something you feel strongly about or desire.
My parent's taught us to love and accept everyone. But one time in HS I brought home a FRIEND who happened to be black to hang out with afterschool. It didn't matter that we were just friends and that he was polite. My mother gave me "the look" and said out the side of her mouth, "Tell that kid to GO HOME before your father sees". The message I got: It's okay to love and accept others outside our race, just not in our backyard?
I would be upset if one of my daughters brought home a BF who was drastically different from us, came from an altogether different culture and had very different views on how we live, what we believe, etc. But I wouldn't forbid any relationship based solely on those things. I would talk with her, find out what she's attracted to, how she feels about him and why. I would invite the boy to my home so I could better know him. I would encourage them to hang around our house so I could keep a close eye on them. You get the idea. Bring him into the fold so you have more knowledge and understanding and ultimately, more control.
Forbidding has gotten you into a worse situation - now your dd knows she has to hide and sneak around behind your back. She will become the most creative kid on earth just so she can see this boy. Short of keeping her under lock and key and 24 hour surveillance, she will continue to see this boy. Your dd has learned that she can't be open with you or share her life with you. She has learned that you are rigid in your beliefs without room to bend or compromise.
You didn't say how old she is, but if she's under 16 or the dating age you feel is appropriate, I would focus on THAT instead of the fact that her love interest is Mexican.
However, be prepared for some very rocky roads over the next few years - you are laying the groundwork for how your relationship and manner of communication will be for years to come. I wish you the best of luck.
Your posts give mixed messages. Your OP was about your dd dating a mexican boy and you not liking it, and she was hiding it from you. If he were a white boy would you be just as upset about her poor grades, excessive use of the cell and texting in the middle of the night?
If it's about her overall behavior then I would suggest a counselor to help you and your dd find a way to discuss your expectations of her school work and how she spends her personal time. Discuss consequences of breaking the rules, doing poorly in school, lying, etc. Those are normal teen things to address.
Are you saying that her involvement with a boy is relative to her poor grades and behavior?
How old is she - that would really help to know.
We had to consult a counselor in regards to our dd, now 17, when she was younger. The counseling helped dd, H and me to understand each other and communicate better. Perhaps a preliminary conversation with her counselor at school can help.
Edited 11/14/2006 2:10 pm ET by heartsandroses2002
I am going to try to address this thru the lying aspect rather than the dating/hispanic aspect, if at all possible.
Numerous times on this board, we have discussed our kids dating kids that we disapprove of. It's tough...so many times we want to just force our kids to not see someone. And a lot of times (not always, mind you) we find that the forbidden fruit becomes that much more desirable. You don't say how old your dd is but I'm assuming she and the bf are under 16 (guessing by the "not old enough to date" statement). My experience tells me at this age the couple won't remain a couple for long anyway, especially when allowed to just run its course. By forbidding the relationship, you run the chance of prolonging the relationship AND putting your dd in a position where she must lie in order to maintain that relationship (just as you suspected). Have you thought about just letting it alone? It's not like they are getting married.
Ok. Sorry. Shoot me, but I can't leave this alone. When we discuss on this board *why* we don't want our kid dating a particular person it's because that person is undesirable in some way (drugs, drinking, etc.) so we have some kind of valid reason *why* we don't want our dd/ds seeing that person. You say you are fine w/ this boy being a friend, but just that they can't date for the sole reason of his race. FWIW, I was raised the same way, you just simply did not date outside your race. It just wasn't done. But, that was a long time ago, and over the years I've learned to judge a person by his heart, not his color. I would rather my son marry a good Hispanic/black/Asian/Martian person rather than a sorry white person, ya know? Part of me understands why your dd is so upset. She simply does not understand your reasoning. If the boy is a good enough person to have as a friend, then why can she not "go out" with him? And, honestly, I can't say as I blame your dd's friend's mom either. Surely this must feel like a slap in the face to her.
I'm sorry, I really don't know what to tell you. I realize you feel the way that you feel (about interracial dating) and that's not liable to change, especially because some yahoo (me) says you shouldn't feel that way. :) Unless you can sit your dd down and get her to understand *why* you feel it is wrong for her to see this boy as a boyfriend, then it could possibly be a long, rocky time with your dd.
"Forbidding has gotten you into a worse situation - now your dd knows she has to hide and sneak around behind your back"
Yes, that is what I warned my husband of. I do not want it to be that way. My daughter is 13 years old. I have always talked to her about everything. But her words this week were "Just when everything is going good and I feel I got it right, I get in trouble." I asked her if lying to us was "going good and right".
I have never not welcomed anyone in my house, I never would, unless they were a bad person (druggy, theif, rapist, child molester ect.). As I said, her best friends mom lives with the boys dad and that girl has been over to my house so much and I have taken her places and fed her and welcomed her over and over, but never a thank you from the mother.
"You didn't say how old she is, but if she's under 16 or the dating age you feel is appropriate, I would focus on THAT instead of the fact that her love interest is Mexican."
We did tell her that. That she doesn't have to have a boyfriend.
I don't know, I do not want to blame this all on my husband, but I told him it would not be good, that she would lie and hide it. I wanted to just let it rest, yes she does need to be in trouble for the texting when she is supposed to sleeping on school nights, and grades, but let the other subject rest and not pressure it and see what happened in the long run. Now, I feel if I tell her okay, if you really like him and he is a good person, go ahead, we will both be lying to her dad, my husband.
Well, being 13 definitely adds a new perspective to things. You're right, you don't ever really want to get into a situation where you're lying and covering up for dd against your H - it's not healthy and it's teaching her that it's okay to break a committment (the one you have with your H).
So, then, your problem with dd is not so much about the boy being of a different race than it is about her crazy and wild behavior, poor attitude and lying? That's what I would focus on then. And you and H need to get on the same page so you're united and can figure out a tactic that will work.
Again, counseling really helped H and I find some common ground when it came to my dd17 a few years ago. We both had similar feelings, but each of us had different ways of going about it with dd. We always wound up in an argument and then, well, dd wins because instead of being focused on HER, we're arguing with one another! LOL -
No two parents will always agree on every situation, however, you should agree beforehand on how to handle things with dd...even if that means telling her, "We have to talk. We will all sit down on Thursday at 7PM" - That will allow you and H some time to discuss things prior and get on the same page. I know its not a perfect science, and a counselor can help you figure out some things, but ultimately, it sounds like your dd is trying to be a mini-adult and personally, at 13 she shouldn't be dating at all - PERIOD.
Have you and H laid out what the consequences are for breaking the rules? Have you considered taking away her cell phone when she's home? She really only needs it when she's not at home, right? You could have texting blocked from her phone altogether as well. You didn't mention the computer being an issue, but you could remove AIM from your computer and block her from going onto AIM.com or AOL.com to use the Express AIM. Does she have chores, on a schedule? Is she involved in outside activites such as sports, dance, gymnastics, painting, clayworks, anything? I would first block texting, take away her cell when she's home, and remove AIM from her computer. Then I would give her mandatory chores to do daily, along with her HW, which I would want to check each night. I would make an appt with her teachers to discuss her class performance and have them help me to come up with a plan of action that will get her grades up, which would include a weekly email progress report so you know when she's missing HW or has a big project coming up. I would limit her 'out' times to weekends only - there really is no reason for her to be 'out' during the school week. These will be difficult changes to implement, but you need to be consistent and you and H need to be on the same page. BEFOREHAND, sit with her and talk about what some fair consequences will be and write them down. Tell her that she can earn some extra credit points with you and H by being more respectful and following the rules. Tell her that you will be willing to bend a little when she begins being more responsible towards you and your family. It's a two way street. She needs to learn that just as you're responsible to her as her parents, she is responsible to you as your daughter.
We did take her phone. She is not allowed on the pc. When my husband is here, he will pick her up from the school, and I will when he is not able to. She usually goes home, alone and that is when she is supposed to do her homework, which she has been lax on. She does play basketball, cheering (which is over for now since fball is thru) and she is in tumbling once a week. I took her and her best friend to tumbling every week. Now I guess it will just be her. We have told her that she will not be left alone. We are in the football playoffs and instead of getting to sit with her friends, she will be with me or her dad. When I pick her up from school, she will come back to my work with me so she is not home alone, so I know she is doing her homework.
She is not dating....they call it "going out" but they aren't going anywhere.
I am really wanting to talk to my husband about all this but he left to go out of town this weekend. He has no idea, I mean his family was open and honest about everything, he was an only child. I had to hide things from my mom and she never talked to me about anything, NOTHING! I want to explain to him, I do not want our relationship like my mom's and mine. I think it would be much better knowing who she likes, rather than her hiding. Lord knows, I know what teens are capable of. On down the road, if we forbid it, it isn't that hard to have some other boy pick her up for a "date" then they take her to who she really wants to see. Even if we do not approve, I think if we FORBID it, it will make things so much worse! But then again, if I do talk to him and he sees it my way about not wanting her hiding things, then I do not want her to think she has gotten her way.....ya know what I mean?
Edited 11/14/2006 3:21 pm ET by boondocks68
So you're not interested in a racial debate, huh? Just wanna come here and spout your opinion that your DD isn't good enough to date Mexicans, but you don't want to hear back about it? Nice.
So you were raised that way? Do you think that's a good excuse for being a racist?
If you really cared about the lying and depression issues, imo, you would have emphasized that and never brought the racial issue to the forefront..
I was raised being beat. Hey, that's cause that's how my parents were raised. Should I carry on that tradition also?
Your argument against letting your DD date a mexican is very lame. My parents sucked in that regard, also.
zz ---> who was raised with the "lowly" mexicans and their families who slaved for my family (who also thought they were too good)
You've really touched a nerve with me.
i realize you don't want to start a "race debate" but i think you're in the wrong here. i'm 15 and would be very angry and upset if my mother forbid me to see someone because of race. i think if he's a good kid with a good personality who treats your daughter well and makes her happy, she should be able to be with him. every girl knows that a lot of teenage boys are immature/perverted/whatever you want to say so finding a good one is rare. if they really do like each other, it's terrible to hold them back because you were "brought up that way".
just because you were brought up a certain way doesn't mean you have to raise your daughter to be that way... if everyone stuck to what they were taught as children, there would be no change for the better. it'd be a lie if i said that there was no racism in my generation but we're a lot more liberal with that than the generations before us, or at least the kids i know are. so it may be confusing to her why his race matters to you. of course everyone starts off things like these with "i'm not racist" but as a teenager myself, if my mother tried to restrict me from seeing someone because of his race, i would lose a lot of respect for her and probably see her as a racist.
it's your house and your rules but think about it.
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