Interrational Dating
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| Tue, 11-14-2006 - 12:14pm |
I need some advice. We are a white family, I was raised to not date outside of my race, my husband believes the same. I do not believe this makes us predjudice.
My daughter has had a bf who is mexican. We told her that she could not "go out with him" (they are not old enough to date but that is what they call going together). Well, she said she broke up with him. I kept seeing all the signs but she assured me that they were just friends, which is fine. I found out this weekend that she has been lying to me about everything for over 3 weeks now. I kept checking our cell phone account and suddenly she is sending and receiving hundreds of text messages and the only thing I could figure was during the night, because with school and all she wouldnt have time otherwise. It all came to a head this weekend when on Sunday night she was supposed to be in bed because she had school the next day. I walk in to check on her and she is on the phone. The boy's father that she has been going with lives with her best friends mom. (Hope that made sense) Anyway, when I caught her on the phone, I took it away and she made up another lie trying to cover who she was talking to and it was a BAD LIE! I immediately called her on it. Okay, when I take her phone, it starts beeping. She received a text message from the boy that she is not supposed to be seeing saying "G'night and I love you". Well, that is when all heck broke loose. My husband made her call him and break up right then and there because appearently she didn't do it the first time 3 weeks ago. I have always welcomed her best friend, or any other friend for that fact, into my home and took her places while her mother worked, fed her and she has always been welcome. She is half mexican. Now, her mother says she cannot come over to my house any longer because if we do not accept the boy, we cannot accept the friend.
I am not predjudice in any way. My daughter has hardly talked to me in 2 days now and she is acting so very depressed. I am afraid of what she might do. I am more upset by the lies than anything. Last night she had a ball game and all of her mexican friends just kept giving us looks. I told my husband 3 weeks ago that if we put our thumb down so hard on this that she would lie, and hide it all, sure enough, she did.
In the last weeks, her grades have dropped (not failing but from a straight A to straight B), she will not even think about going to church (But you can bet she will go this week!). She got a mail about a thing with the church in Jan. and they go to this big conference and concert, she used to would be begging to go, I asked her this morning about it and she said she wasn't interested.
I guess I am looking for any advice. I am not wanting to start a race debate or anything like that. That is just how I was raised. My daughter did go see the counselor at school yesterday and the counselor told my daughter that she was raised the same way, but she could not tell her to continue to lie to us, or what she was supposed to do.
HELP!

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I am sorry I touched such a nerve with you. I never said anything bad about mexicans. I just believe that whites should marry whites, blacks/blacks and so forth. I say I was "raised that way", it was just known, I never tried to date others, nor did I want to. Where I am, (I know this isn't everywhere), the mexican families are low income, divorced, always in and out of the court system, and I want better for my daughter. And yes, when I look at boys that my daughter might like, I look at their families and their history. The boy seems okay from what I know, but he comes from a family that is low income, divorced, drinks alot, moving in and out of town, living with people and not getting married, should I go on?
I WILL NOT APOLIGIZE FOR WANTING BETTER THAN THAT FOR MY DAUGHTER.
It seems you've changed your argument a good degree.
You never mentioned her being 13 in your first post. Also didn't mention anything about his family history except being Mexican. Much less your opinon of how most of the Mexicans in your area behave... which I find hard to believe anyway.
I do agree with the rest of the reasons you state for not wanting your DD to be so involved with a young man at her age.
zz
I think you should focus on her breaking the rules and being too young for a "dating" type relationship. As the mother of three biracial daughters I have to say that if you tell her not to see some one because of their race or whatever other reason you want to use she will do whatever it takes to maintain the relationship. When I was dating my husband (against my family's wishes)nothing anyone said would have changed my mind. Especially if I perceived it as prejudiced. If you don't agree with some of their habits, drinking, unwed preganancies or whatever, talk to her about that. Surely there must be some one in the Mexican community that your respect. They can't all be lowlifes. Perhaps you just don't know them. Also, don't be so hard on her that she won't talk to you about anything anymore.
While you are entitled to your feelings about dating out of your race, be prepared to be considered racist. It just doesn't make sense to say that some people are ok to be friends with but nothing further. People can't legislate their feelings in that way. My husband and I have been together 30 years, 10 dating, 20 married. While it is not always easy it has been well worth it. And yes, my family did come around.
Jane
Peace,
Susan
You say this isn't about race, but the fact that the first thing you tell us about the boy and his relationship with your DD is that he's Mexican... sounds like race to me.
Thank you all for your comments.
My daughter came home from school today and we had a long talk. I told her that the decisions she makes now will shape her future. Our main thing is getting grades back up. She said she was under alot of stress because she was lying to us and trying to hide everything.
I talked to my husband. I told him that I think that we can talk til we are blue in the face but she will make her own decisions. I would rather her be with a nice "boy" than someone who doesn't respect her.
And she is NOT dating! They call it going out, but they do not go anywhere. They were talking on the phone and seeing each other at school is all. I told her to just be friends with him, my gosh, you are just 13!
Peace,
Susan
"I just believe that whites should marry whites, blacks/blacks and so forth."
Why? And how can you explain this to your daughter without sounding completely racist?
I understand how her mother feels, and I would feel just as insulted as her.
You claim to not be prejudiced, but immediatly classify all your towns Mexicans as low-lifes, and try to tell your daughter that ONLY Mexicans get girls pregnant?
I agree that she should not be lying, but you put her in that situation. How can you blame her for being depressed when you forced her to end her "first love" because of YOUR ideals that have no practical safety concern, and she is probably viewed as the daughter of racists among her friends?
I understand that you want better, but I can understand how she feels, and I would have felt that way as a teen too.
I understand you perfectly cuz you sound exactly like my mother did 33 years ago when I first met my husband who is of a different race and religion than me. (When I first came home from college with him, the first words she said to me were "He's darker than I expected." And I had never noticed--to me he was simply a foreigner, but not a different color.) My mom then expressed the same worries you have mentioned. But we are now living in the year 2006, not 1973!
I have a friend whose husband (both white) of 30+ years was raised in a family with questionable morals, and he had done all the wrong things as a teenager. But he has been one of the best husbands and fathers I know. Family upbringing and socioeconomic status is not always the key to success and happiness.
Please talk to your daughter about her grades, and spending too much time with friends or her boyfriend; but do not tell her that she's made a bad choice in a friend unless you have spent time getting to truly know the boy, and he puts her in unsafe situations.
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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
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