Interrational Dating
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 11-14-2006 - 12:14pm |
I need some advice. We are a white family, I was raised to not date outside of my race, my husband believes the same. I do not believe this makes us predjudice.
My daughter has had a bf who is mexican. We told her that she could not "go out with him" (they are not old enough to date but that is what they call going together). Well, she said she broke up with him. I kept seeing all the signs but she assured me that they were just friends, which is fine. I found out this weekend that she has been lying to me about everything for over 3 weeks now. I kept checking our cell phone account and suddenly she is sending and receiving hundreds of text messages and the only thing I could figure was during the night, because with school and all she wouldnt have time otherwise. It all came to a head this weekend when on Sunday night she was supposed to be in bed because she had school the next day. I walk in to check on her and she is on the phone. The boy's father that she has been going with lives with her best friends mom. (Hope that made sense) Anyway, when I caught her on the phone, I took it away and she made up another lie trying to cover who she was talking to and it was a BAD LIE! I immediately called her on it. Okay, when I take her phone, it starts beeping. She received a text message from the boy that she is not supposed to be seeing saying "G'night and I love you". Well, that is when all heck broke loose. My husband made her call him and break up right then and there because appearently she didn't do it the first time 3 weeks ago. I have always welcomed her best friend, or any other friend for that fact, into my home and took her places while her mother worked, fed her and she has always been welcome. She is half mexican. Now, her mother says she cannot come over to my house any longer because if we do not accept the boy, we cannot accept the friend.
I am not predjudice in any way. My daughter has hardly talked to me in 2 days now and she is acting so very depressed. I am afraid of what she might do. I am more upset by the lies than anything. Last night she had a ball game and all of her mexican friends just kept giving us looks. I told my husband 3 weeks ago that if we put our thumb down so hard on this that she would lie, and hide it all, sure enough, she did.
In the last weeks, her grades have dropped (not failing but from a straight A to straight B), she will not even think about going to church (But you can bet she will go this week!). She got a mail about a thing with the church in Jan. and they go to this big conference and concert, she used to would be begging to go, I asked her this morning about it and she said she wasn't interested.
I guess I am looking for any advice. I am not wanting to start a race debate or anything like that. That is just how I was raised. My daughter did go see the counselor at school yesterday and the counselor told my daughter that she was raised the same way, but she could not tell her to continue to lie to us, or what she was supposed to do.
HELP!

Pages
I'd focus on her age and the lying and leave race out of it. There is no way you can tell a child or young adult that they cannot date someone because of their race without sounding like a racist. Because it is racist. You can talk with your DD about how you feel that people of similar backgrounds and experiences make the best partners and how you want her to date people with the same values as her. If you do this sincerely, she may well date boys of other ethnic backgrounds (also, Mexican isn't a race, it's an ethnicity, but I digress). If you can't say it sincerely, she will know and react the same way as if you'd stuck her in a closet with the sign "Whites Only."
I know a woman whose parents were violently anti-african american. N word and all. She had a lot of issues with her parents, but she brought a black man home and had sex with him under their roof. She had major issues and this was a way of making them angry like no other, but making a huge deal of the race of your DD's junior high "boyfriends" is part of how they got there. Oh, and said woman got pregnant--by the black man--and had an abortion.
The fact that its not 'real' dating is the reason you guys should have remained cool about this. Even if you intend to enforce dating within her own race, it simply wasnt necessary in a relationship that consists of sitting together at football games and text messaging
But, whats done is done and I know I have a long list of times I have opened my mouth before I thought something through and then regretted what came out of my mouth. It happens and the teen years and friends and dating sure do seem to bring it out the most!
It wouldnt be wrong to admit you were wrong-well, if you think you were wrong. You could still state your preferences about who she dates and why you think that's important but mention that you probably read too much into this situation
I dont see all the things you do with the Mexican families I work with but I do see a very male dominated culture-if I had a dd, I would want her to be aware of that. And I dont know how you could address that without sounding just a bit racist
BTW others have found that making them turn in the cell at a certain time at night works well for the late night texting
I wasn't going to touch this post with a 10-foot pole, but I wanted to respond to your comments that you were 'raised this way'.
Just because you were raised a certain way, now that you're an ADULT you can chose to think, feel, and believe however you want. In other words, you can open you mind! You are not obligated to continue to behave as though you still live under your parents' roof.
I was 'raised' in a home with two parents who smoked, drank heavily and didn't attend church unless it was to attend a wedding. In fact, we were encouraged at a young age to 'have a drink with mom and dad'.
Does that mean that I have to raise my children just exactly the same? Absolutely not. I have never smoked, (and thankfully, my parents don't anymore either) I absolutely do not condone underage drinking, thus, we rarely have alcohol in the house and attending church is something my children have done since birth. In fact, my dd and I were baptized at the same time. I was 30, she was 2 months old.
You CAN do things differently than you 'were raised'.
Just my thoughts.
Edited 11/15/2006 1:55 pm ET by hydrangea_blue
Thanks for your comments. As I said, my dd and I talked again last night, and I talked to my husband. I did not feel right forbidding her because I KNEW it would end up with her lying all about it, I predicted it, my husband did not listen to me.
When I told my dd that she I knew she would make her own decisions, I also told her that I never dated outside of my "race" or culture, whatever you want to call it, and even told her to this day, if something happen to her dad, I still wouldn't. But I realize she is trying to shape herself as a young adult and I need to let her explore. Her dad does not really understand this, she is his only "little girl". And yes, she is only 13 yrs old, I would rather her not have a boyfriend at all, but I was 13 too, you have boyfriends where you see them at school and just sit together and send notes and talk on the phone.
Now, she is still grounded from the phone, the pc and is still being picked up from school and she knows she needs to get her grades up. So we will see how she does.
I wasn't going to touch this either but for godsakes what message are you sending your daughter? Your ideas of race relations are your own...I suppose. Be careful what you are teaching your daughter about intolerance because thats the word for what you are describing. Sure you're not a "racist" as in you don't belong to the KKK but thats not how it looks nowadays. Racism has become
I guess you didn't read the rest of my messages.....
We did alot of talking last night, things are fine now.
I say fine now, I guess we will see. I have had so many mixed feelings in this, I am not a racist and I do not appreciate being called one. My husband forbid her to "go with" this boy because he is mexican, not even full mexican. I supported him, but 3-4 WEEKS AGO, I predicted to him this would happen, but he did not listen to me. Finally last night, when I told him how I felt about I would rather her be open, honest and happy than having to feel she had to hide everything, he relaxed some. He said he still does not "condone it", but I told him if we continue, she will continue to lie and hide things. He knows that, he is just having a hard time with it.
Some may see me as racist or predjudice but if I am, there are alot around me that are. I know things are different these days. I know I would rather have my daughter with a nice tan, black, purple or yellow guy than a sorry white one. I know all these things. I was having a really hard time dealing with the fact that my husband felt one way, forbidding it, and I another, not wanting her to hide things. I have come to see and know that my dd needs to make her own decisions starting now to shape her future, her thoughts and her feelings. Neither her dad or I can decide who she marries. We have to respect her wishes, but she needs to respect ours too.
Edited 11/15/2006 12:36 pm ET by boondocks68
I will not misspell words in mom_dragonfly's class.
I will not misspell words in mom_dragonfly's class.
I will not misspell words in mom_dragonfly's class.
I will not misspell words in mom_dragonfly's class.
I will not misspell words in mom_dragonfly's class.
I will not misspell words in mom_dragonfly's class.
I will not misspell words in mom_dragonfly's class.
I will not misspell words in mom_dragonfly's class.
I will not misspell words in mom_dragonfly's class.
Okay, now I'm going to fall over dead because my father is 1/2 Spanish and 1/2 Polish. LOL. My mother is Irish, and Scottish and Lord knows what other "caucasian" mix. Now my kids are even more of a mix, but I love it. We don't just talk about being culturally diverse, we live it! LOL.
Pages