Irresponsible Behavior by BF's Mom -WWYD

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Irresponsible Behavior by BF's Mom -WWYD
5
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 11:54am

Hello everyone. I have never dealt with anything like this before and am at a total loss as to how to handle this. The short version:

My DD16 and her bf18 have been together for approx 10 months so I feel I know his family fairly well. The mother invited DD and her son to go the diner very late the other night. DD's curfew is midnight but I allowed her to go at 1:30am because there was going to be a parent there and being a night owl myself I didn't think that the mother inviting her to go was very strange. I have actually taken DD to the diner in the early morning hours if she was having a sleepover, or sometimes just the two of us if we couldn't sleep, and we would have some great heart to heart talks.

At 2:30 that morning I got a phone call from the mother yelling at me that if I wanted to go pick up the kids they were at the diner. She said that they left her sitting there by herself so she left them there. She said that she was sick and tired of her son catering to my DD and treating his mother like s**t and then she hung up on me before I could respond. Then the phone immediately rang again and it was DD crying asking if I could come and pick them up.

When I got to the diner I saw dd and her bf standing in the front with some people and I was told that they couldn't leave yet because they had to wait for the cops to arrive which they did immediately afterwards. While they were waiting for me to pick them up after the mother stranded them there, 3 drunk guys started a loud argument with them so the owner called the police. The guys had left already so when the policeman got there there was nothing he could do since no one knew the guys names or their license plate.

Once I got them in the car I demanded to know what had happened. DD said that she started to feel a bit queasy when they were sitting at the diner and needed some air so her and the bf went outside. She swears they were not out there for more than 3 minutes when the mother came storming out of the diner screaming at her son that he treats her like crap and she called my DD a d*****bag and peeled out of the parking lot. Since the mother had already called me screaming I didn't doubt the story. The bf said that his mother didn't actually abandon them - it was his choice not to get in her car because he admitted that while they were sitting at the diner he figured out that his mother had been drinking and he wasn't going to let DD get in her car. So not only did this woman endanger the safety of my DD by stranding her and the bf at the diner and having them almost get into a fight she had also been drinking!!!

I brought the bf back to his mother's to pick up his car because he was going to go stay at his father's house. He had to go in the house to get his keys so I waited there until he came out just in case he needed me and I called DH to let him know what was happening because he had just gotten home from a baseball game and didn't know what was going on. The mother was yelling at the bf a bit but he got his keys and came right out, got in his car and we all drove away. Not even 2 minutes later DH called me and told me that the mother just called the house and was screaming at him asking where the f**k her son was and she accused my DD of using sex to control her son. Well my DH is a hot headed italian so he started screaming right back and asked her what kind of a mother she was to drink and drive with another kid in her car let alone her own and then to abandon them at 2:30 in the morning. He also threatened her not to ever called his DD a d*****bag again and hung up on her.

None of us could sleep that night. We talked for a little while and then just sat around completely stunned by what had happened. I kept blaming myself for letting DD go in the first place - and I would never let her go at that time of the morning again. DH said he never would have let her go if he was home but that he didn't blame me at all. The next day the bf came over and said that he talked to his mom and she felt really bad about everything and was going to call us to apologize. Well she never did call and I can't accept her apology for this. I understand how she must feel about her son and my DD being together constantly, I have posted about this very topic myself because it bothers us as well. And it must be worse for her because she is divorced and only has her son but her actions were just too irresponsible and inexcuseable.

After several days have pasted I still feel guilty about the whole thing. I made a bad decision in letting her go. Sorry this is so long - guess I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 12:12pm

Wow! I'm so sorry you and your family had to go through that. No matter what bf's mom did, I would encourage you to take the high road and not respond in kind. Was she just having a bad day or is this typical behavior? What does the bf say about his mom? Unless you had known that the other mom was going to act like this, I do not think you or anyone else should feel guilty. IMO, this is a "live and learn" experience. Tread carefully around her or avoid her. Call the police if she threatens or harrasses any of your family members. On the other hand, if this was a first time outburst and there was a rational reason for it (I mean, we all have our breaking points, KWIM?), I probably would give her another chance . . . provided, that she reached out to me to apologize. I think you and your husband did the best you could under the immediate circumstances. So sorry you had to experience this.

Hugs,
Amelia

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 12:28pm

Wow, I'm so sorry you had to go through this. You asked WWYD, so I'll tell you. I probably wouldn't have let her go that late, but I won't judge you for that and anyway it has no bearing on the real issue, IMO. The b/f's mother was waaaaay out of line. I wouldn't excuse, or tolerate her behaviour again. That is to say, my dd would never be allowed in a car with her again (you caught her this time but I'm sure she's done this in the past). I would also probably forbid dd from going over to their house again entirely due to the mother and not the b/f. They can hang out together only at your place. Limit the contact your dd has with this woman as much as possible. Where you smell smoke, there is fire. This woman has a problem and it's your responsibility to protect your dd.

If she ever does call and apologize (don't hold your breath), you might commiserate with her on the frustration you must both feel with the amount of time you mention the two spend together. But end it there; tell her nothing excuses drinking and driving and that you would appreciate it if she would honor your request that she not drive your dd anywhere ever again, as it is your responsibility to keep her safe. You might end it by saying that if she goes against your wishes and you find out she's been drinking and driving around with your dd again, you will press charges.

And as an aside, good for your dh! Sometimes people like that only listen when you give them back some of their own medicine, sad to say.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 1:18pm

I also thought that maybe the mother was having a really bad day as willow54 commented but there have been a few statements that the bf made about his mother to indicate that she had a really bad temper and he told me a few stories. But he can be quite the clown and makes jokes out of everything so sometimes I don't know when he is serious or not. She always seemed very nice and so well put together but when she called that night I knew that the stories that the bf told me are true. I do not think this was an isolated inccident.

Thanks for the suggestions mom_dragonfly. We have already fobidden DD from going to the mom's house and the bf knows it's not because of him. I have also explained to her that no matter what, this woman is still her bf's mother and an adult so she needed to be respectful when talking about her with her bf or if she ever does see this woman face to face again.

As to her not ever getting into the mother's car again that will not be a problem. Both DD and the bf have their own cars. It's actually kind of funny because I told DD that she could only go that night if the bf's mother was driving thinking that was the most responsible person.

Thank you both for your comments.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 2:28pm

Chillie, you may have used poor judgement in allowing your dd to go out at that hour, but that still doesn't excuse the bf's mother's behavior. You must realize that.

Let your feelings of guilt go - we all make decisions based on the here and now only to sometimes regret it later. The upside is that your dd is relatively safe and sound - alive, and she has her bf's support in regards to his mother's rail against her. That is huge.

It's likely that bf's mom is completely mortified by her own behavior...she probably remembers bits and peices and plays it over and over in her head and simply cannot figure out what she could possibly say to make you think anything better of her at this point. If she was raised with any small sense of social graces, she would at the very least send you, H and dd a note of apology, wait a few days and then call to stop by and talk - to clear the air, to ask forgiveness, whatever.

I'm sure you're right, she probably does feel lonely at times because her son is always with your dd. And while that may rightfully bother her, she needs to find healthier ways in which to communicate that to her son - it's not YOUR issue - it's hers.

At this point, I think you should have a talk with your dd about mental illness, alcohol abuse and appropriate behavior. Teach her not to hate the woman, but to protect herself from future abuse at her hands (or mouth).

By allowing yourself to fogive the mother, you will be teaching your dd a valuable lesson: It is right to forgive, but you don't necessarily need to forget or allow yourself to be placed into a position where you can be abused once again. By forgiving this woman, her BF will only see her in a better light, she releases the anger and resentment she feels and she can focus instead on how to protect herself and evaluate other's behavior based on what she deems appropriate.

I've never handed out forgiveness easily, but once I was able to separate the forgiveness from the forgetting part, I got better at it. My MIL is mean to me (won't go into details) and for years I really resented her. I even voiced my feelings about her in front of my dd's - she even hurt my dd's. Eventually, I was able to make peace with my emotions in regards to my MIL. I was able to forgive past slights on her end but I never forgot. By not forgetting, it acts as a reminder to not allow her to hurt me or my dds' again. I am guarded with her; I am cordial, but definitely guarded. This is a valuable attribute which will serve your dd well all her life - how to detach and yet still be nice; how to forgive and move on; and how to take care of herself.

Best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 4:50pm

I too learned the hard way about b/f's mom. DD's b/f mom has been called by the police many, many times to pick him up at parties when he's been drinking. She picks him up. They ride around until the cops are gone and then she takes him back to get his truck! She did this one time when DD was riding with him. DD refused to get into the truck with him so his mom brought him home b/c mom didn't want me to know about this (I would have known if DD had called me to come get her). DD knew this was the kind of thing she had better tell me or she would be in major trouble (omitting important things is equal to lying in our house).

This mom also had no problem at all with her DS buying alcohol underage and then giving it to DD for her to drink. DD was much younger then and wanted to see what being drunk was like and her b/f thought it would be better for her to do this with him than with someone less responsible than he is! When I found out and told his mom, she simply said that it was 100% my DD's responsibility b/c she asked for it. The fact that he purchased it at 17, drank and then drove didn't bother her at all.

I too thought I knew her pretty well and that we had similar values and beliefs. I've since learned that she just wants her kids to be her friend. She doesn't want the responsibility of being a parent. Her DD is now 15 (same age mine was when she began dating her b/f) and I've often wondered if she's the same way with her DD.

I no longer trust other parents to discipline or even talk to their kids. If my child is going to date them, they get the same talks from me that my own kids get. I've also been known to "punish" him - When he lied to me for 4 months about a New Years Eve party, he also received 4 major chores to do just like DD did. He could have choosen not to do them but then he wouldn't have laid eyes on or talked to DD for 4 months - it was his choice. I must give the guy credit - he did the work w/o complaint. He also no longer lies to me!!

I agree with all the steps you've taken to protect your child. I also think DH handled his end of the situation as well as could be expected. I wouldn't blame myself for letting her go. Those are the kinds of things (late night excursions) that memories are made of and you are not a fortune teller and based on prior experience, you had no way of knowing this would happen. This was a good test for your DD. I would be extremely proud of DD - she proved to you that she is ready to handle an occassional late night excursion b/c under bad conditions, she acted responsibly and maturely. Good for her!!