Issues with the other side of the fam
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Issues with the other side of the fam
| Mon, 06-04-2007 - 1:12am |
My son is 17 years old, and a wonderful young man. He is involved in sports, active in our church and gets good grades. The prob is his father and grandfather are always telling him what he will not be able to do and comparing him to his younger half brother. My DS has ADHD and is dyslexic, so he struggles for his A's and B's and even his C's. His half brother is a techie, a brainiach and apparently is just all around more talented than my DS. (in their opinion anyway)
I know I can not control what they say to him while he is with them, or even on the phone. I have tried to set down boundaries in the past, but negativity is just the way they communicate. How do I give him the skills to deal with them and their negative fear mongering?? They give him messages that are based in their own fears about his future because they have not bothered to educate themselves on either the ADHD or dyslexia. His grandmother on that side actually recently told me that she was concerned that he would not graduate high school (don't know where that came from, he has never failed a grade in his life) and that he will not get accommodations in college or in the real world, so I am setting him up to fail. I could not believe how ignorant she is!! I took the opportunity to remind her that I have a brain injury and a cognitive disorder, and I got accommodations in college and have accommodations in the work place!!!
They just dump all their fears and unresolved issues on my son and I am so frustrated in trying to help him deal with it!!! Tonight he announced he is not going to his father's or his grandparents for at least the next month. It is his choice and if distance is the only way he can protect himself from their emotional baggage, I support him. But it is so hard to watch him struggle!
Any advice!! Support.... words of wisdom??
I know I can not control what they say to him while he is with them, or even on the phone. I have tried to set down boundaries in the past, but negativity is just the way they communicate. How do I give him the skills to deal with them and their negative fear mongering?? They give him messages that are based in their own fears about his future because they have not bothered to educate themselves on either the ADHD or dyslexia. His grandmother on that side actually recently told me that she was concerned that he would not graduate high school (don't know where that came from, he has never failed a grade in his life) and that he will not get accommodations in college or in the real world, so I am setting him up to fail. I could not believe how ignorant she is!! I took the opportunity to remind her that I have a brain injury and a cognitive disorder, and I got accommodations in college and have accommodations in the work place!!!
They just dump all their fears and unresolved issues on my son and I am so frustrated in trying to help him deal with it!!! Tonight he announced he is not going to his father's or his grandparents for at least the next month. It is his choice and if distance is the only way he can protect himself from their emotional baggage, I support him. But it is so hard to watch him struggle!
Any advice!! Support.... words of wisdom??

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As a college educated dyslexic, I can tell you that your son will go very far.
Personally I don't put up with anyone down talking my son like that and I would make it clear that if he doesn't do well it will be because they convinced him it was a waste of time.
Technically a bumble bee shouldn't be able to fly... It's wings are too small for it's body. Thankfully no one has told the bee, and bee found a way to make it work.
stacy
Sometimes distance is the only way to deal with negative people.
I would let him distance himself too.
I think it's great and shows a lot of maturity on your son's part for putting up appropriate boundaries for himself. One way in which you can support this and help him to remain strong in his convictions to protect himself is to tell him how proud you are of him for doing so. It's important that you reinforce for him that it's OKAY to separate himself from people who are verbally abusive towards him and skewed in their thinking. If you tell him simply, "Honey, I am so proud of you for taking this step to protect yourself from your dad and his family's harsh words. Good for you for taking care of yourself and protecting yourself from all that negativity", is a perfect way for you to support him in his efforts without badmouthing the other side of his family.
Kids naturally take it personally when someone bad mouths one side or the other of thier family. WHO they are is reflective of their families, right? So, I'm sure your son is struggling with his choice to step back from his dad and his family and to do so was very brave and shows great strength of character and self esteem. You should be proud that you had a hand in instilling those qualities in him.
You don't need to take sides or tell him "Right on!" or anything. Just support his decision and continue to be there for him. He needs to know that it's okay for him to put up healthy boundaries. We all do. Hugs mom.
My dd was the light of my parents lives!
I am somewhat in line with dad's side of the family although I would never presume to talk to someone elses child that way
My youngest(high school freshman) is LD for sure. We have also heard ADD inattentive, CAPD, and Aspergers. It can be diagnosis of the week sometimes!
I DO know he struggles in school. I homeschooled him for 6th grade and felt that gave me great insight into the way he learns. He learns quickly-probably quicker than average but its as if when he goes to bed at night, it falls out his ear-LOL. He doesnt make connections-it never occurs to him that the word "hospital" is related to "hospitalized", for example.
I personally don't feel he should attempt college. He is getting decent grades-math and science are a struggle and I am anxiously awaiting those final grades-a D in algebra wouldnt shock me. His non science and math classes are As and BS. Still, there are colleges that will take him-I know that
But school is his weakness. Why do I want to insist he spend another 4 yrs minimum doing something that is remarkably difficult for him? He has other strengths-they arent school learning-why focus on his weakness?
So, while I dont think it is these peoples business, I can also appreciate their side. Is it possible they think you are not giving him options but instead pushing him in one direction based on your own experiences?
Just something to think about-you have me thinking because I surely dont want to sell my son short and, of course, I worry about that!
If DS3 chooses to attempt college, or longs for a career that requires a degree, I will support him to the ends of the earth. But I am not actively encouraging him in that direction.
Wow, windrush - your son sounds like my 17dd, scheduled to graduate next week. We also have chosen not to push her into a college situation for the very same reasons. She's struggled all throughout her academic career and she literally hates the idea of more school!! I am not going to waste my money so she can follow what has become the natural progression for most students...she will more than likely flunk out and feel even worse about herself if we push her to attend college. My H and I have argued this point for the past 6 months, as he would like her to attend the local state college, whereas I'd like her to take one or two classes this fall at a local community college just to get her feet wet and see that college classes are not like HS classes. If she likes it she can continue in January. But I don't want her to have a full course load as I don't think she will do well or enjoy it. So, we're taking it slow. She may go to a tech school, but she's yet to figure out what she really wants to do. I'd kind of like to see her choose a vocation so she has something at least to fall back on, but she's not sure yet. There is no rush, as she's on the younger side of her fellow graduates at only 17.
I agree that sometimes we sometimes have to make those difficult kinds of calls with our teens and we have to decide what is appropriate to their situation. However, like you said, it's wrong for this young man's father and grandparents to constantly make disparaging remarks about his future capabilities.
I've seen firsthand what negativity does to people. My husband has a very negative father. His father constantly makes disparaging remarks feeling its his place or duty to point out what he perceives as everyones weak points in their lives. The man is 70 years old, has been this way all his life and will not change regardless of what I might say to him. Although he is not a "bad" man in the full sense of the word and has many good qualities, his worst trait is a belief that he knows what is best and right for everyone even though in his own life he has done very little with his self-proclaimed "talents".
His son, my husband, dealt with that all his life growing up to the point where he started to believe it and he lashed out a great deal in his youth in various ways and what I have seen in him as an adult is a serious lack of self-esteem and confidence.
My son and daughter spend a great deal of time with their paternal grandparents. And when they were little it was all "awwww" and there was a great deal of affection for them. But as they grow older I am starting to see and hear the negativity and criticism. My son esp is feeling this and he is only TWELVE!!! My son plays an instrument and his grandfather criticizes his lack of practice and rehearsal time and how "he was so much better at that age". Yeah, whatever. Then he picks on my son's weight. And he picks on his not being very athletic. And what I see that is troubling is my son calling himself "not good enough" in one way or another. I just try to stay connected to my son, tell him that's just the way his grandfather is and he isn't going to change anytime soon or ever and that my son has to believe in HIMSELF. There will always be negative people and naysayers out there so we need to be very aware of ourselves and our good and bad points so that we don't rely on other people's opinions to define us.
My 16 yo dd is a different matter. She is so strong (I really admire her) and so sure of herself that whatever they say just rolls off her. If they say anything she just stands her ground and proclaims that that is "their opinion" and moves on. She didn't start off that way as she was painfully insecure at my son's age. But I worked hard with her to reassure her and make her recognize her own capabilities.
"His father constantly makes disparaging remarks feeling its his place or duty to point out what he perceives as everyones weak points in their lives. The man is 70 years old, has been this way all his life and will not change regardless of what I might say to him. Although he is not a "bad" man in the full sense of the word and has many good qualities, his worst trait is a belief that he knows what is best and right for everyone even though in his own life he has done very little with his self-proclaimed "talents". "
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