Issues with a stepmom

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2007
Issues with a stepmom
18
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 1:06pm
I have a 13 year old daughter. My ex and I have been divorced since she was 4 years old and her stepmom has been in the picture ever since. My daughter is amazing, straight A's, Honor Society, all that. Her dad and her stepmom spoil her absolutely rotten and buy her anything she wants if she tells them stuff about me and my new hubby. Her stepmom does everything she can to be my daughter's best friend. We have had her in counseling and the counselor has even told us that my daughter admitted to playing games between me and her father. I was told by a relative of the stepmom that her stepmom is doing everything she can to "win" my daughter from me and that they are creating a "monster". Two days ago, my husband told my daughter she had to clean up the kitchen after dinner because I had a lot of other things to do. My daughter cleaned up the kitchen, and then played outside with friends for awhile. We laughed and joked like we always do. The next day, my daughter went to her father's house after school for his visitation. I had no idea that anything was wrong until I looked in my purse and found a letter that my daughter had apparently written the day before telling me that she wants to live with her dad because she shouldn't have had to do the dishes. Now she refused to answer her phone and won't return my calls. I am so hurt and also angry that she would do this. But I also know that her stepmom and father have a big part of it. Any advice would be great!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2007
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 8:20am
Thanks cat.smack....yes, DH left because of this. My DD has had him arrested before with her accusations and he was not going to let her do it again. Even though he wasn't convicted, it affected him to his core. Can you blame him? But, since he wasn't willing to stay and fight, it is his loss. She got exactly what she wanted. I called exh yesterday to set up a time for me and him and our daughter to sit down and work all this out. Exh was all supportive of it, but wouldn't give me a time we could get together. I'm figuring he had to get home to his wife to find out the story. (DD said he did not know about any of this) Now, he won't answer my calls and hasn't called me back. I am so sick of all the games.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 8:42am

It looks like nobody has your back, huh?

I wouldn't call your DD or ex right now. I won't go into great detail here, but I went through something like it.. my DS-now 18, moved out at 16. I cried so many tears.... He's now sound asleep, in his room, in our house.

I know that at age 13 is much different... but for your own health and marriage, maybe you should just let her go for now. Don't listen to her complaints of living with your ex., etc. Don't keep calling your ex because that gives him power, in his own mind.

It's too bad about the relationship between your DH and your DD. Does your DH want you to give up on having your DD back home?

Keep us posted... we're thinking of you.

zz

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 10:10am

Yes, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers - please let us know how the meeting goes. If she's asking about child support, you need to be firm and tell her that it's meeting her NEEDS and leave it at that. You are not required to give an accounting detail of every little penny. As long as her needs are met, which I'm sure they are, that's all that's required. Incidentally, it's NONE OF HER BUSINESS - child support is between you and exh only. I have never, EVER, discussed child support arrangement with either of my dds....not when he owed me $30,000 or when he finally started paying up. It is simply none of their business. About a year ago, my exh announced that he would send me $100 per week to put into my dd's college discretionary spending fund account and has maybe added roughtly $700 only. When dd recently visited him for a weekend, he showed her an envelope of 100 bills and said that was the money for her college account, but has yet to send it to me for deposit. I KNOW that someone has put a bug in his ear that 'maybe I don't put the money into the accound and keep it instead' which is something I would never do. All the accounts are separate and accesible by both dd and me. Ugh, it makes me sick to know that he is so suspicious of ME after all the hard work I've done in raising my dds and making sure all their needs are met - especially when I was doing it on my own without any income from HIM. Okay, I'm all in a dander now.

Please take care of yourself, take deep breaths and always keep dd's best interests in mind. Do not stoop to her level, even when you know she's playing games with you. Remain strong and parental in all aspects. Hugs to you - I know this is not easy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2007
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 11:40am

OK...here is an update. I am happy to say that I am feeling much better about things today. My DD called last night and we had it out. She was flinging all kinds of accusations at me because she thought I should just give her the child support and let her do what she wants with it. She was mad because I bought her little sister flip flops and always tell her that "money is tight". (Like I never get her anything!) Basically she was acting like a spoiled little brat! I am proud of myself! I did not lose my cool. I just very calmly told her that she is a child, and me and my DH are the adults in this house and she will not treat us in this way. Until she can treat me and her stepfather with respect and will agree that we will all go to counseling together, she is more than welcome to stay at her father's. She got very mad and told me fine that is where she is staying and I told her that was her choice, told her I loved her, and hung up! She still does not know that my DH has left, and I am not going to tell her. My exh just called to tell me he is taking her to a counselor tomorrow. I then get a phone call from my DD's aunt (stepmom's sister)telling me that he lied to me about the time, and that they are telling the counselor all sorts of lies. Let me say that I do not trust this counselor AT ALL! She has done some very unprofessional things in the past that make me feel this way. So, do I try calling the counselor and giving my side of the story? Or do I just wait things out and take DD to a counselor of my choosing if she decides she wants to come home at a later time?

An update of DH...I don't know if I said before that when he left, he went out of state. He also called last night and was very sorry...I am proud to say that I stood my ground with him, too! I told him that the way he left was the worst thing he could have done. I also told him that if he thinks he is going to come home, he will be going to counseling with me and DD also. He didn't want to do it, but I told him that is the only way he will get to come home, because I am DONE being torn between him and DD. So, we will see what happens.

Thanks to all for your thoughts! This has been the first time I used Ivillage, and I have to say, it has been a great support! I will keep you all posted!

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 12:54pm

A word of caution. Do not confuse the issues with your H as only being about dd and her behaviors. If there are issues between you and your H, it is about you two - NOT about dd. DD's behavior may have been the catalyst that brought about H's leaving, but in no way is it only about her.

The bottom line is that if your marriage were intact, H would not have left, despite the issues going on with dd. You should in no way ever have to choose between your dd and your H and it is immature and wrong for either of them to place you in that position.

You need counseling for support first and foremost for yourself. Once you work out the issues you are dealing with (with both dd and H separately), THEN you and H (or you and dd) will be able to work on the issue you share with each of them, respectively, together.

I say this with some very strong BTDT experience! lol - My H is my dds stepdad and there have been several occasions where loyalty has been an issue, mostly with my 17dd. 19dd has always loved and gotten along well with H, always respected his disciplining and word, their relationship has been a blessing. 17dd, however, always pulled that "you're not my dad" BS and I would not tolerate it. H has also accused me of not backing him up at times, which is true. There were times when I diffused heated situations between he and dd and it appeared as if I was undermining his position as her parent. BUT, I always, ALWAYS, told dd that no matter what, she never has had a reason to disrespect H and that what he says goes just as if it were coming from me. A couple of years ago our family went through a very difficult time with dd17 (she was lured off the internet and assaulted) and it almost, along with some other issues, ruined our marriage. I really felt very alone a lot of the time throughout everything and H held a lot of his emotions close to him and walked around a very angry man for a long time - I'd say almost a year. And dd was very angry with H for the way he reacted and mistrusted her - rightfully so. It took a lot of counseling and a lot of late night conversations for all of us to move beyond this incident.

All marriages, traditional as well as step-families, go through periods where no one is connecting and everything is turned upside down. Your dd's behavior is your dd's behavior and she has to deal with the consequences of her actions. What happens between you and your H is between only you two. You have the rest of your lives to consider and after your kiddos are all grown and gone, who do you want to end up with? If your H is a good man and you love one another, work on that - focus on being a family. Do not allow your dd's shenanigins get in the way of that. She's not too young for a little straight up conversation about respecting your H and she's also not too young to understand that certain behavior is expected and all others will not be tolerated. It is okay to tell her that your marriage comes first (as long as your H is respectful of her, you and the other kids of course).

Hugs - again, hang in there and I'm glad that you're all at least communicating. In regards to the counselor, I'd wait it out. Once you have a decent counselor lined up, you should make the effort to see him/her and get all this out and documented.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 2:32pm

I remember when all that happened, and it still brings tears to my eyes. You're a very strong lady and your DD's are so lucky to have you.

zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2007
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 9:48am

I just realized I haven't gotten everyone up-to-date on my situation...First of all, with my hubby...he ended up coming home and we sat down and had a very long talk. We came to some realizations about eachother and are getting everything worked out. He is trying very hard to be a better dad and husband. I am trying hard to be a better wife. He is being supportive of me in the situation with my DD and I really needed that.

As for my daughter...it is still painful. I called her the other morning to just let her know she is in my thoughts and keep that line of communication open. She was mean and nasty, but at least I tried. I don't think I mentioned before that I have a son with my exh also that is still coming home...When I asked him if he was OK with his sister not being here, he said "Mom, she is only doing it because she gets away with murder over there." We live in an area where everyone knows everyone else...and my daughter's stepmom is related to half the county. Yesterday, I got a call from one of the stepmother's other sisters telling me that the stepmom sent out an email to her relatives just to let them know that my daughter was living with her because I didn't care about her. The sister said she knew that wasn't true because I am a great mom. It helps to know that people know what is going on, but I know I can't count on her family to step in and help me with this.

This weekend will be especially tough because we are having a birthday party for my 5-year-old tomorrow. I am trying to stay in good spirits because my 5-year-old deserves a great party with or without her sister. With Sunday being Mother's Day, it is going to be emotional, so please keep me in your thoughts!

By the way, Happy Mother's Day to you mom's out there!

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 10:09am

{{{wavecrewser}}}

Hugs and have fun at the birthday party. Even though others can't step in on your behalf, it's nice to hear that at least you have their support and the validation that you are, indeed, a good mother.

Do something nice for yourself on Mother's Day, you deserve it.

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