It came back to bite me in the rear.....
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| Tue, 01-31-2006 - 9:42am |
Ok---remember the thread last week or the week before asking about kids and privacy? And how many of us 'snooped' or monitored internet usage without telling the kid? I mentioned keeping mum until I had a reason to let him know I was watching? Well, that time came, and I tucked tail and ran for the hills.
I found 2 items in his room. Neither illegal, but troublesome nonetheless. I hesitate to say what they are, because I'm embarassed. My 'good' kid (so far) now with stuff in his room that he shouldn't have. I found (yes, by snooping) a lighter and a condom. Oh my goodness.........talk about being a mom with her head buried. I could offer TONS of sage, practical advice to anyone ELSE in this situation, but my own kid, and I'm just beside myself. I took the lighter---because there is NO good reason for him to have one, and the possibilities of drug use are far too much---but I didn't tell him...I just took it, hoping he'd realize it's missing and know that I know.....but I left the condom.....good grief....what if he 'needed' that and didn't have it...........
We JUST talked Sat. night about drug use, drinking and sex........and then this. I'm disappointed in him for not talking to me and am really, shocked. I'm embarassed and I'm scared. He's running with a boy that has 'rumors' surrounding him about drug use and drinking. I thought they were chaperoned when together---but I suppose kids will find a way no matter what.
What do I do? What do I say? I'm BUSTED for snooping.........I don't want him to completely distrust me........
I'm hoping beyond hope that the condom is just 15 yr old bravado, and just has one to say he has one. The lighter is beyond me. He claims to want to be an athlete, and not want drugs or drinking to interfere.............
Any advice? No slamming, please.........it's that fine line between wanting to know and having it come back to haunt me.............
Shels

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I have on occassion snooped when I felt that I had reason too. I imagine that something in you was telling you something wasn't right - call it a mother's instinct. My DD hates it but I along with many other moms have it and we can't just ignore it. You felt that something wasn't right and you snooped. Apologize for snooping, tell why you snooped, and then set that issue aside. Don't let that become the focal point of the discussion. Discussions about sex and drugs are ongoing - quarterly at my house unless the need arises sooner (no it's not on a calendar but that's about how often I make it come up).
He could have very logical reasons for having both those things in his room. I know alot of people that carry lighters with them that do not smoke or do drugs. They just occassionally need to "set something on fire" like birthday candles or such. He could have been given the condom by a well-meaning friend or as a joke. Please don't jump to conclusions.
For what it's worth, I too would be having a cow if I were in your shoes. It is much easier to look at these more calmly when its somebody elses kid. That's why we have each other - to help us put things in perspective.
BTW, Sunday I was so upset I almost headed your way for that ice cream. I seriously bought a paper and glanced at how much apartments rent for - I so wanted to run away for awhile. A 44 y/o pre-menopausal mom with severe PMS and a hormonal teen DD - well sometimes, it's just not fun!! (Oh and add to it a DH that has been in the duck blind for two months & is in the process of quitting chewing tobacco - thank God he's been in the duck blind).
Edited 1/31/2006 10:42 am ET by tobylady
I do tell him I'm concerned about the rumors I've heard about his friend. I 'white lie' and tell him I've heard things from other parents, which I have, but nothing specific. If i ask other parents about parties or things that have gone on, often times the parents will use his 2 best friends as a question, like "oh, was such and such involved".....plus on a 3rd boy's 'my space' it refrences the 2nd boys supposed drug use............actually is says something to the effect of "I'm the only one who knows if he's on drugs or sober....I've known him for as long as I can remember" or something close.........so I have suspicions, but no concrete evidence. There has been NO evidence on my space of any drinking or drug use by my son...........I know that doesn't mean it isn't happening, but I have seen no references to it by him or anyone else. I have seen others reference themselves or others drinking, though.........so hopefully this is a minor good sign.
My son is secretive and lies to get what he wants. He tells enough of the truth to slide but usually the lying I know of is lying by omission........like going to this particular boys house---mentioned all the guys that would be there, but didn't mention girls and a hot tub..............
My DH and I have been searching for a solution to not get 'busted' for snooping. He doesn't want us in his room, but we go anyway, and let him know that he can't 'ban' us. This was hidden in a mug that he keeps on his headboard. So it wasn't buried 6 ft in the ground or anything, but it was put in a place up high (he has a bookcase headboard) and in this mug.
Now, logically speaking....if he is sexually active, yes he needs condoms. But my BABY? I know, I'm being silly and naive, but I truly wasn't prepared for this.
I am so embarassed. I don't know why. I guess I want that feeling of having a kid that isn't perfect,but is generally good. I know that a condom and a lighter doesn't make him BAD, but it points to things that I REALLY didn't want to face yet (ever).........I suffer from being the outcast of all the 'perfect' moms out there who's sons would NEVER stoop to such low behavior.......I feel like I don't have a counterpart to run this by. I have my DH, of course, and my dearest friend is a great help, but she doesn't have kids...so she can't see things from a totally skewed parental view. I just wish I had someone I could talk this out with............but alas, I'm afraid of all the 'perfect' moms ostracizing my kid............and I'm afraid of being outcast further for raising a poor example compared to all their 'perfect' sons.................Jules will understand what I mean. It's horrible to feel like this, even though you KNOW these people put their pants on same as you every day.........it's just this feeling of inferiority....it's exasperating..............I know they aren't perfect and their kids arent' either, but you wouldn't know it by visiting with them.
Thanks, Pam. It's difficult for me to discuss this, but I certainly don't want to bury my head further (I mean, I DO, but it wouldnt' be good parenting---smile). Any additonal advice would be welcome.
Shelly
Oh, I've eaten enough ice cream for the both of us recently. Our local Gerbes (a Kroger affiliate) has the best store brand english toffee, caramel..............I've eaten most of it.
I'm less angry than sad, for whatever reason. Loss of control? Not knowing? REalizing that your kid really IS lying to you? I don't know........If he only realized that I KNOW these things will come up and I won't freak out as much as he thinks, we both would have an easier time of this.
I'm scared for him, and feel bad that he's POSSIBLY involved in this so young. Yes, I realize the condom could be 'bragging' material---at least it wasn't a condom WRAPPER that I found...........haha. And the lighter could belong to someone else---they could have given it to him when a parent was around or something so THEY didn't get busted........I know there are MANY, MANY scenarios..........but one of those scenarios is sex and smoking/drug use.
I was going to give you my sympathies for having a husband that is missing in a duck blind, but since he's giving up HIS habit, I guess I ought to be celebrating for you!! haha. I'm sorry you had a tough weekend. Hey, you can't live more than 8 hrs or so from me...........take that roadtrip any time you want! Apartments here are expensive in my book, but I suppose less expensive than other cities............so come on up!!
Good luck with your DH and DD--I hope everyones hormones and habits die down and you all can have a peaceful week!
Shelly
Oh, and Daddioe, my fears of having a potential 'weenie boy' on my hands is coming more and more a possiblity.............wanna come have a go at him?--haha.
Shels
The ice cream was way cheaper than an apartment. The thing with the apt was when I needed a break I used to go to Memphis to visit my oldest DD. She was usually working or studying so I could enjoy the peace and quiet with her cat during the day and go out to eat with sane adult company at night. Something tells me the apt wasn't the trick it was the sane adult company and she moved 2300 miles away so I can't just hop in the car and be there in an hour or two.
Youngest DD did apologize to me for her outbursts. I apologized for overreacting. DH is now out of the duck blind but so grouchy I would rather he be there. I appreciate what he's doing and could deal with him much better if my hormones weren't so screwed and if DD wasn't being such a pain. Oh well, such is life.
I do know what you mean about the perfect moms. They have their heads buried in the sand and don't want to see that their kids make mistakes too. I just try to ignore them. DD's b/f's mom is one of those people. Her son can do no wrong. Apparently, he's even right when the cops all her to come get b/c he's been drinking or when he gets mad and hits the wall and not only breaks the wall but his fist as well. Somehow all that's perfect and no cause for alarm. I've pretty much quit trying to figure those people out.
I know its not a popular viewpoint, but, both my sons who were involced in sports at the high school level would be hard pressed to name a boy who was NOT into alcohol or drugs at least at the party level
Im sure there are some, but I guarantee the number of abstainers in sports is no where near what the parents of kids in sports think it is(pure body and all that-yes-CRAP)
One mother removed her son from the soccer team for exactly this reason. I have heard dads say that the kids work hard all week and are entitled to play hard all weekend(meaning drinking/sex-not sure they are addressing drug use)
Popularity equals access
I have been through this with my middle, popular son. Yes, chances are the lighter is being used for smoking-be it cigs or pot. I would especially say that if you find the one missing is quickly replaced(I put having one in case a hot chick wants her cig lit right up there with pure body for sports)
Evaluate your son honestly when he arrives home from a suspect activity. I KNEW my son was high although DH berated me for thinking such a thing. Yes, I was correct. The eyes just werent right-he was too eager to talk-the body was too relaxed
Its been a LONGGG time since my pot smoking days in college but I remember enough!!!!!
Sniff his clothing and jacket for cigarette or pot smell. Walk out to car he comes home in and stick your head in to chat with the boys.
The condom? Yep, you did the right thing-if he needs it, you hardly want to take it!
Remember, this generation doesnt see oral sex as sex; be sure he knows it is and he needs to wear protection
I thank my LUCKY STARS every day that my DH isn't the 'rah rah--that's my BOY' type regarding poor behavior. My DH is basically a nerd and a wonderful human being that thinks that ALL people ought to be wonderful human beings. Unfortunately, this leads to some disagreement regarding teen behavior----he thinks our son ought to be strung up by his fingernails for a bad attitude.....but his wishes and thoughts are well meaning.
I unfortunately agree (and don't like what I'm faced with) that popularity does equate easy access and often times participation----regardless of what they want us to think. And the boy certainly is popular. One MOTHER even commented on how good looking my DS is....now this is nice to hear, but SHUDDER.....if the moms think he's handsome, then what in the world to the perfect bodied teen girls think?
You know, for 2 days now I've been trying to pinpoint my fears, worries and so forth. I actually am really worried about the GIRLS involved with this as well.......what if he is 'forcing' the issue of sex w/ someone (not rape, but pushing someone to participate when she may not be sure)? What if he makes going out with him conditional upon sexual activity? I mean, this is too much pressure for kids! I don't want my son to be the 'weenie boy' of Daddio's post a couple of weeks ago!! What if he 'uses' girls for sex?
I mean, I don't see evidence of this, and based on prior 'snooping' from a couple of years ago, he's been broken hearted over the loss of a 'girlfriend', and I always assumed he'd be sensitive to others........I mean, how do we KNOW what kind of person our child is becoming? I don't know, I'm just sad, embarassed, and am twiddling my thumbs trying to figure out what to do........to some, this is all relatively harmless and wait and see what future 'snoops' bring........I tend to go that route, because it is easy.......but I think that early intervention may be the key.........which is MUCH harder.
Argh. I thought babies were hard.
Shels
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Lots of hugs, Shels ... I completely and totally understand how you feel. I haven't completely shaken off the holiday blues. Not that they're getting worse, but my emotions seem to get the best of me -- major highs and lows that are quite erratic and unpredictable! Little things that shouldn't bother me, do -- things I should be able to blow off. I feel like I am mostly under control when DH and kiddos are around. Thank goodness it's mostly when I'm alone that I roller coaster. I had my hormones checked back in November, no signs of menopause, so I don't know quite what is up with me!
Anyway, my experience with teen-age boys is pretty much non-existent (just a couple years away, now, tho) but it sounds like you are handling things as well as you can be, and have gotten some great advice from other people who have bt and dt. Oh, DD has matches or a lighter in her room (not sure which) because she likes those scented candles from Bath & Body Works and lights them when she's hanging out in her room. Is there an off chance your DS has any candles in his room? I know it's a stretch ... but you just never know.
I posted once that if I ever learned that DD was drinking, smoking, doing drugs or having sex, I would fall over dead, I'd be so surprised. I imagine that's a bit what you're feeling like now.
Did you ever read or hear about that poem that went something like "you learn that presents aren't promises, and kisses aren't contracts ... so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul..."? I can't remember exactly how the entire thing goes (I'll have to look it up) but that's what I've been doing lately -- planting my own garden! I just planted a whole bunch of new rose bushes and bulbs in my tiny yard. If everything lives and blooms, my soul will be decorated and smelling mighty fragrant. I'll tell you what tho, planting those rose bushes just about killed me -- took me three days, start-to-finish -- and I still have one left!
So what do 'ya say you and tobylady get in your cars and head out here? The weather has been gorgeous -- up near 70! I'm not that keen on ice cream, but I do love peach pie!
More hugs to you, and I hope you don't learn anything about your DS that sends you over the edge, and mostly, that you are feeling better soon!
Julie
Shels,
Our children usually treat others as we treat them. You've taught him to be respectful of others and that' probably what he will do. If routine talks about girls and relationships (not just) aren't part of your home, I would try to include them. When you are watching tv together and see some misuse a girl, point that out to him and say I would never put up with that or why is she allowing him to treat her like that or I wonder how his parents treated him to make him think that was okay behavior. He probably won't respond but eventually he'll get the idea. As I've said before, I try to have a formal quarterly talk with my DD about sex and relationships. On the upside, she came to me a few weeks ago and told me she no longer needed birth control so maybe something finally got through. I also made her attend a series of lessons at church about relationships, dating, sex and abstinence. I figured she needed to hear it from more than just me. After all, she had a whole school full of teens, tv and movies telliing her it was okay so I figured she needed more than the one of me telling her it was not okay.
It's a long ongoing process and I wish you alot of luck but waiting and seeing really isn't the answer. Good Luck!!
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