It came back to bite me in the rear.....
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| Tue, 01-31-2006 - 9:42am |
Ok---remember the thread last week or the week before asking about kids and privacy? And how many of us 'snooped' or monitored internet usage without telling the kid? I mentioned keeping mum until I had a reason to let him know I was watching? Well, that time came, and I tucked tail and ran for the hills.
I found 2 items in his room. Neither illegal, but troublesome nonetheless. I hesitate to say what they are, because I'm embarassed. My 'good' kid (so far) now with stuff in his room that he shouldn't have. I found (yes, by snooping) a lighter and a condom. Oh my goodness.........talk about being a mom with her head buried. I could offer TONS of sage, practical advice to anyone ELSE in this situation, but my own kid, and I'm just beside myself. I took the lighter---because there is NO good reason for him to have one, and the possibilities of drug use are far too much---but I didn't tell him...I just took it, hoping he'd realize it's missing and know that I know.....but I left the condom.....good grief....what if he 'needed' that and didn't have it...........
We JUST talked Sat. night about drug use, drinking and sex........and then this. I'm disappointed in him for not talking to me and am really, shocked. I'm embarassed and I'm scared. He's running with a boy that has 'rumors' surrounding him about drug use and drinking. I thought they were chaperoned when together---but I suppose kids will find a way no matter what.
What do I do? What do I say? I'm BUSTED for snooping.........I don't want him to completely distrust me........
I'm hoping beyond hope that the condom is just 15 yr old bravado, and just has one to say he has one. The lighter is beyond me. He claims to want to be an athlete, and not want drugs or drinking to interfere.............
Any advice? No slamming, please.........it's that fine line between wanting to know and having it come back to haunt me.............
Shels

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We do talk, but probably not as frankly as necessary. I've STRESSED repeatedly that if he chooses to be sexually acive to TELL US and although we do not condone it, we will be sure to provide protection for him. We'd much rather if he is making poor choices that he be safe. And I have been frank regarding that, but other issues are discussed in a more roundabout way, and sort of skirted, rather than graphically put 'out there'. He did admit to me on Sat. night that he probably wouldn't admit to sexual activity, so that was SOMETHING. He's very tight lipped about EVERYTHING in his life. Believe it or not, as weird as it sounds, the times he really opens up with me is when we are in the car with his friends or my dad (his grandpa). IT's like that more lighthearted atmosphere is what makes him more comfortable to talk (and it isn't about these issues, but about school stuff and every day stuff...........things he normally wouldn't even discuss, just because he doesn't want to let us 'in' on his life)
I've also had a 'deal' with him for 3 years now........that if he's in a situation where there is drinking or drugs, to call me and say he's sick, and I'll come get him, no questions asked, and no repercussions with the 'offenders'. Meaning he can continue to hang out with them as long as I know HE'S behaving responsibly. Now, I'm guessing those messages were not received, as much as I've tried to reassure him we will NOT freak out.
My husband treats me beautifully and I do discuss respect of girls in a general way, but his homelife is a wonderful example of how people should treat each other---I hope he SEES and LEARNS every day how to be respectful of others.
I know putting this aside isnt' the way to go, but I've got to say, I WISH I could. I wish I had the support of these other kids' parents too so we can all be on the same page. I have NO CLUE if these kids parents even know of the rumors surrounding their kids. I know I dont' know any about mine............who comes up and says "oh, by the way, did you know I heard your kid was drunk off his butt this weekend?" This allows the 'perfect' moms to have fodder for their gossip!! why ruin it and tell the parent?
And, parents get really offended if any 'wrongdoing' is pointed out about their kid. I sure would like to sit down with the parents of his 2 or 3 best buds to see WHAT THEY know and what THEY'VE heard..............but I dont' feel like they'd be terribly receptive to that. Heck, one of the boys---the 4th in this crew--his dad is a pilot for a law enforcement agency...............you'd think THAT would be safety, but I'm guessing maybe not? I've not heard anything at all bad about #4 in the group---his mom and I are friendly and they seem like really nice folks.........but he's around alot w/ my son and the other two.........so I wonder what HIS parents know. Maybe I'll call her tonight and see.
Thanks,
Shels
Car time is the best. I just recently told my middle high Sunday School class that in the car is the best time to talk with their parents b/c for obvious safety reasons, mom can't freak out and beat you, she probably won't even yell, and you can tell her things without having to see her eyes. I had a 19 y/o intern in the room with me at the time and she died laughing saying that her best talks with her dad were always in the car and she never really figured out why but now she knows.
I wouldn't worry about him forcing girls to do things they don't want to do. You've taught him well and those things do stick. You also have to keep in mind that we mom's of girls are out there teaching our DD's about respect for themselves as well. I can assure you neither one of my Dd's would do anything that they didn't want to do. Youngest might would have a year ago but she's grown alot and she's the one that has to learn the hard way. I guess what I'm saying is that he's not there alone - the girl has some responsibility as well.
I've tried talking to other mom's and they will straight out lie and tell me what the politically correct response is and not what reality is. I asked a mom once what time was her DD's curfew. She said around 11:00. A few weeks later the kid didn't call or come for 3 days straight and her mom wasn't upset. I've also asked parents if there will be alcohol at parties at their homes and of course they say no but come to find out the parents are the ones that purchase it. I've given up on believing what they tell me. I still ask about alcohol and supervision if my child is going to be there but I've learned to depend on my DD to do what's right and not to count on the parents. Sometimes she's more mature than they are. I guess I'm saying I TRY to worry only about what I can change and that's my child and her behavior. I ask questions but am cautious as to what I do with the answers.
For most kids, time and consistency on your part will teach him what he needs to know. In the meantime, yell and scream at us - it helps to keep your sanity.
I only have a minute here - but I had an idea that perhaps you could say the mug fell down when you were in the room putting laundry away (or dusting? LOL - I never do that!)and you couldn't help but see the contents. Although I do think myself it would be better if your dh discussed this with him, as I think boys especially tend to die a thousands deaths rather than discuss this with their moms. I could be wrong.
I only have btdt experience on sneakiness with my dd, and I have discussed with her how a general sneaky attitude breeds distrust. I think she has learned that when she shares stuff with me, it doesn't mean I'm going to lock her up in the house and throw away the key. My ds has frank discussions with me about the drug use going on around him - I tend to be one to assume my kids will do something at some point, and not the other way around. Once I even made my son breath on me when he came home. I never did that again, because frankly he has given me no reason to distrust him, and he was hurt by my suspicions. If I saw a lighter I wouldn't freak out because we like to burn candles, etc. but a condom is another story. I'd have dh have a serious talk with him.
Shels, for what it's worth, you are far from raising a weenie boy (more on that later).
The problem with snooping (I've been there too), is the stress of finding information that we are powerless to confront them on, without them completely shutting down on us until they are approximately 30 years old and realize "going through their drawers" at 14 was not a crime against humanity....
I try, not always successfully, to keep in perspective the "normal teenage crap" that I really have no business knowing or dealing with vs. decisions and situations that could screw them up permanently. It's a daunting task to keep it in perspective.
Here's my two cents..
I don't get too upset about a lighter if they monkey with candles or fireworks.
A lighter is bad news if it is the plain BIC variety for 1.29. It has no value as a toy, gift, or novelty item.
If it's a fancy lighter it increases the "cool" factor and conceivably could be nothing more than that. Either way, my antennae would go up and I'd watch for other signs.
If confronted, never accept "I'm holding it for someone else." / "It doesn't belong to me." That's about as lame as it gets.
Posessing a condom also doesn't necessarily mean trouble. Teenage boys many times get them from their buddies to look cool, or even the gas station bathroom vending machines, etc. for curiosity and umm. personal reasons to see how they work and feel.
Again, I'd raise the alert level for signs of relationships and outside supervision. But in this case as well, possession does not always equate activity.
I'd keep doing what your doing. Keep talking about sex and drugs, your expectations and his "plan" about what he will do when faced with a decision to make. You've found items that are a cause for concern, but not exactly convictable offenses. Does your DH talk to him regularly about this stuff? I hate to tell you Shels, but a teenage boy that doesn't clam up on his mom is really really rare.
Try to resist (LOL)... the urge to dangle the lighter and condom in his face and start screaming, which, by the way, would be my first inclination.
Well, to be honest, he doesn't speak much to either of us, but he and my DH are like oil and water, so honestly, he does talk to me some----at least that is my perception. I think he'd 'fess up to me more so than DH, just because right now, they aren't getting along the best.
Yes, the urge to scream and yell and lecture are overwhelming. But it is a lose lose situation all around. I put myself into this postion--yes, I'm armed with informtion, but for what purpose?
Tell us about "weenie boy". REASSURE me that we aren't going down the weenie road with ours...............
Thanks, Daddioe. I'm hoping as well that the condom is just bravado----I also realize that it may NOT be, so at least he's practicing safe sex if it is being used.
Oops, I hear a bedroom door---gotta run
Shels
Shels,
I would never slam you in a million years. I'm with (was it heartsand roses?) about "stumbling" upon the evidence if that is at all possible. It probably would be easier all around if dh talked to him.
And it really could be 15 year old bravado ...
So I'm sending sympathy and support and not a great deal of advice.....
jt
We've tried to come up with some sort of scenario----but since I don't clean his room at all, and he does his own laundry (although,I will say, I did do a load of his whites after I found it so I could have an 'excuse' to be in his room--but it really ticks him off when I do that). You know, the dog was chasing the cat who jumped on the upper shelf of your bookcase headboard while I was getting your laundry and knocked over the mug and out pours a CONDOM and a LIGHTER. Imagine my SHOCK..............but it rings a litte farfetched, even to us. Although the cat loves his room and the dog DOES love to chase the cat.............could happen.........
I am still really struggling with this. I keep wanting to peek to see if he's taking the condom with him......I sure hope not.
I'm a little less hysterical and obsessive about it today, but not much. I'm just so worried as opposed to really being upset or angry-----I want him SAFE. I sound like such a 'mom' haha.
Thanks all, I've needed the support.
Shels
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