Is it legal to read our son's mail?
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| Sun, 06-10-2007 - 3:44pm |
I have a 15 year old step son (dad has sole custody) who received mail from his biological mother. He recently spent about 2.5 months with her during which time he was not going to school, started doing drugs and having sex, and got arrested on a stolen quadrunner.
Historically his mother's actions have always negatively impacted his attitude and behaviors but we were always willing to give them a second chance. With all that recently happend we are extremely concerned about all communication she has with him. They talk on the phone and she recently sent him a letter which we have not given to him yet. While we can't fully monitor phone calls, we are wondering if there is any law that would prevent us from screening his mail - both incoming and outgoing.
Thanks in advance to anyone who knows the answer to this!

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Well I do appreciate all of the input! DH opened the letter. He did it carefully so it could be sealed again if it contained nothing inappropriate. We're on a fine line of trying to let him know we are concerned and not coming across as overbearing - which is pretty much the assumption he makes when he's told what to do at all.
DH shared the contents with me and they weren't necessarily inappropriate. There were a lot of pictures of his siblings and mom. There was a one page front and back hand written letter from mom, and a one page drawing of sorts - something that my step son put together I guess when he was at mom's.
The drawing had a title at the top "My Kids" and had a wallet size picture glued to it of two small boys with their names written next to the picture. They appear to be roughly a few months and about a year and a half. There was also a colored picture at the bottom that looks like my step son drew and it looks like Precious Moments meets the Lucky Charms leprechaun at a Grateful Dead concert..... This bit of "art" and collage made me think the "girlfriend" who's supposedly pregnant with our grandchild and NINETEEN may have two other children already. Perhaps my step son has a misguided sense of responsibility for these two other children as well?
The letter from mom was more disturbing to me than anything else. It was one page front and back handwritten in lavender sparkly ink on yellow lined paper. Every letter I was dotted with a tiny heart and all punctuation was also tiny hearts. At first glance it reminded me of something a 9th grade girl would write to the boy she's got a crush on. There was absolutely nothing in it that showed any concern over what was going to happen as a result of his arrest, or the fact that he's facing a felony. She almost seemed excited about the pregnant girlfriend. Mom actually says, "Boy (step son) I can't get over thinking all the time about how much you've grown up in the last few months when you were here with us. I am very proud of you son and I mean it. Your head is on the right track and on your shoulder's good to so as long as you keep it that way everything will be fine." The whole letter had more of a tone of "BFF" than that of a parent.
All I could think after reading that was, "so deciding to drop out of school, do drugs, get arrested and become a father at 16 makes him all grown up and shows that he has his head on straight???"
The only thing even remotely "parental" at all is where she goes on to talk about how she wasn't a "real good mom" to any of her kids (there are 5 from 3 different guys - DH's is the oldest) and how she's going to make it up to them all. Apparently she's been telling my step son that she's going to take DH back to court for custody...... I can hardly wait for that fiasco. This is however, the first time she's ever made any mention of not being a good mom. I'm not holding my breath though.
All sarcasm aside, it's like this woman lives in a totally alternate reality than the rest of the world. And she keeps on feeding this kid promise after promise that she never keeps. The worst part is that he keeps believing her. Tomorrow is his first court date. It's a perfect opportunity for her to "make it up" to him - she could come to court and tell the judge that she's responsible for him not going to school - he was arrested riding the stolen ATV when he should have been in school. She could tell the court that her "boyfriend" told them he owned the ATV and gave the kid permission to ride it - which would hopefully reduce the penalty if not dismiss the charge since it's the first time he's ever been in any kind of trouble. Unfortunately, I'm really afraid that she'll let him down again, and NOT come forward. The people she runs with are not upstanding citizens and I doubt that any of them would want to be put on the spot...they are involved in a LOT of illegal stuff.
DH decided to seal the letter back up and let it go for now - though he did make copies of the letter and the drawing just in case. He had once said he wished he had a way to know what was being sent back and forth between his son and the mom - I told him that until his son proves he can be trusted he can simply tell him that all mail is being screened - incoming and outgoing. I think he's afraid to put his foot down right now because his son has run away twice since we picked him up the first time at Juvenile Hall. Unfortunately, I can see that not setting any real boundaries is sending the wrong message to the kid. And even more unfortunate, there's nothing that I can say or do right now that DH is willing to listen to or follow through with.
Which puts me in a rather uncomfortable position. Part of me wants to protect this kid. He's had a hard enough time without facing a felony conviction at the age of 15. The other part realizes that he made some really bad choices and thinks he needs a really good scare to straighten him out and that the only way that will happen is for him to be held to the maximum consequence for what he's charged with and do some time in the juvenile hall for more than a couple of hours.
I also think that removing his mom from the mix would help, as it always has in the past -she'd disapear off the radar for a few months during which time he'd do GREAT! Then she'd pop up again and he'd lose all the ground he gained and then some. Always one step forward two steps back with her.
I hate to say it but I think DH is just trying to get through the next 2 years with as little conflict as possible until the boy turns 18 and is legally able to make his own decisions. He sort of reminds me of an ostrich right now and that is kind of frightening. Avoidance is not a good place to be with an out of control teen. DH won't really talk to me about it and refuses to even contemplate making any kind of plan for his son right now. It's extremely frustrating to watch him sit there doing nothing.
What a lot you have going on here!
Thanks Rose - I need all the encouragement I can get right now. DSS hasn't said a word to me in over a month - that was when he screamed at me that he hated me. DH says I'm the adult and should be the one to talk to DSS - maybe he's right, but frankly, I'm just so not interested in getting screamed at again.
In the time since we first picked DSS up the first time he's mostly been staying with one of our friends because he doesn't want to stay here. DH went and picked him up this morning and he's been here for about half an hour and hasn't said a word that I've heard.
I'm hoping that once we have this first court appearance that DH will start being more proactive.... but we'll see.
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