Is it wrong to feel this way??
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 10-15-2006 - 8:53am |
HI all, I'm back with an observation and a question.
DD(15) is now living with her dad after giving me the hellish March-August. I fought her" I want to live with Dad, and I hate you" attitude til August when we went to court and I gave him residential custody with us still being joint.
My life has been so much rewarded for making that decision. I dont' regret it in the least. She now refuses to even have visitation with us on Wednesday nights and the EOW agreement. I'm fine with her not being here. I miss her but I sure do not miss the animosity and the stress level in my house and the looks and the basic teenage crap that she dished out. Her father now is dealing with her full time and I relish that his house now has all that. Her stepmom says it's not a picnic over there either. I can't help but grin and tell myself, "They asked for it, they have it."
I know she will eventually grow out of all this and maybe come back home. SHe is starting Drivers Ed this quarter, starting tomorrow. I will be writing her a mom to daughter letter telling her that I love her and I Miss her and wishing her well on her driving achievement. That's all I can do. She hates me still but I have to make one last stab at telling her how I really do feel about her. If something happens to her or me(no one knows the future), I know that I have done everything possible as a good mother.
Parents of teens often say "can't we just ship these teens to an island until they grow up." Esentially I have done that, she asked to live with Dad and I accomodated her wish after six months of fighting her wish, and I know she is safe and as happy as a teen her age can be. I didnt' realize how much better I would feel doing it though. I love her and miss my sweet girl, the one who loved me and talked to me and I had an awesome relationship with, but I do not miss all the other crap that goes along with it. I did not throw her out, I let her have her own dicision making power and I will have proof of it when she comes back at me with it.
Her step mom says that my other two kids will do the same, like she can see the future. My other two DS(11) and DD(4) are being raised differently than DD was. I am more settled in my second marriage. My DD(15) dealt with me being off the scale dealing with divorce crap and she gravitated towards her dad in defense of him. I did alot of things wrong in my divorce and unfortunately I leaned on her when I should not have. My life is settled and I am once again happy and the other two see that and are happy for me. If they want to live with their dad when they get older, they can, and I probably won't regret that decision either. Let thier dad deal with the teenage crap, far be it for me to invite teenage angst and terror in my house when they want over there so badly. I will send them with love and tell them to visit but I will be willing to let them go.
My question, I am a cold hearted ***** for seeing it this way??
ANDI (LARK)

So though you feel guilty, letting her go is the best way to bring her back to you. Good luck.
Lark,
I am glad you are in a good place now. I don't think your feelings are something you need to feel ashamed of. You and your DD weren't making it together at all. She is now in the primary care of her dad, whom you know loves her and whom will hopefully make decisions that are in her best interest. Hopefully he will keep in appraised of how things are going at his home.
I think it is great that you are writing 'I love you' notes to your DD. I'd keep on doing that, I think. Not every day or even every week, but regularly, so that she knows you are still there for her as her mother, that you love her in spite of all this, and that you want nothing but the best for her. It's bound to sink in with her eventually!
The fact that you are in a happier place will certainly affect your relationship in a positive way.
Best of luck to you.
Hi Lark,
I can understand how you feel. Several months ago my DS-17 just had to go. He'd tell me and anyone who would listen how much he hated me. This house had turned into a war zone. He cussed me, physically threatened me several times, bullied me, etc.
Even though I cried several times a day for the first 2 weeks... I began to taper off. I began to feel relieved.
This past weekend he called and asked if he could come spend the night. He's a joy to be around now and we have a good time when he's here. He even came over again last night for a couple of hours. He tells me he loves me everytime I see him.
So, it does get better. And I don't find you coldhearted in the least.
zz
Hi Andi! If you are looking for reassurance that you are doing the right thing, then take some comfort in knowing that I agree with you. IMO, you are handling everything just fine, so please don't feel guilty in any way. I also agree with what the other posters said. Life is short. Enjoy your other 2 children and just be there, as needed, for your dd.
Blessings to you,
Amelia
I don't think you should feel guilty for a well thought out decision but.....I DO have to point out that parents who have remained married to the other parent of their children do NOT have this option
There have been many posts on this board from divorced parents dealing with this issue. My friend has chosen to live away from her husband(both have agred to stay married) to pursue her career choice-she took the 4 kids with her but her big threat is "you're going to go live with your dad if this continues"
I mean, she never uttered those words before the 'separation' and 2 of the 4 were already teens so you can bet the stressors were there. And I have never uttered those words to my kids because Ive been married to the same man for 24 years
So, yeah, IMHO the fact that it is even an option makes it easy to go to in times of stress.
I guess the big question is 'is that a bad thing or a good thing'? Are those of us 'stuck' with full time custody of our kids more likely to be stressed over the top and make bad decisions? Would we be better parents if we had a break? Maybe back in the day of extended families living close together, uncles, aunts and grandparents provided some relief?
I was no angel when i was 13 either and my parents sent me to Germany to see my grandmother for 6 weeks during the summer of 1984. My parents were not divorced and I wanted out so badly that in March of 1995, I was so desperate that I tried to kill myself. After I was found, my parents put me in a psych ward for 2 months hoping that the counselors and psychiatrist could help me. When my parents came to visit me in the hospital, the first question out of my mouth was "when are you leaving?" That hurt my mother immensely and I still to this day apologize for being that way with her when I was a teen. My sending my DD to her dad's is my way of saving her from possible reckless activities and possible suicidal tendencies in an effort to get away from me and the hurt she foes through when she is here and at the same time saving me the heartache that I put my mom through.
I know she is safe, I have poeple that I know and trust watching her from afar for me and giving me updates on her welfare. She does not know it but these people love both of us enough to help us through what we are going through now. Her father won't talk to me about her, and that's fine. I have contact with her school and grades are posted on the web so I can call when I see a grade problem. Joint custody gives me that leverage. I love her and did it to keep her from possibly succeeding in an attempt that I gratefully failed at. She says she is not suicidal but for safety sake, I have a court oder saying that she is to be in counseling as of last month. That's my way of keeping her safe and sound and letting go at the same time. She is my baby and I love and miss her so much. I am glad that she is with her dad and happy instead of miserable with me. Hope that shows a little of the side I am coming from. If I had been able to be shipped of somewhere so I could recoup, maybe I would not have a suicide attempt(several actually in my teen years) in my lovely tumultuous past now.
Andi
Well I guess it's unanimous that we all agree you're not wrong to feel this way - you're only human, after all, not cold-hearted. I can't tell you how many times I've wished I had this option - but only with my dd14 so far, which is telling. I can "deal" with my ds17 even though he does give me grief as well - he is the one most likely to come to me later with a hug to "make up". He is the one to say "I'm sorry." I'd fall over dead if I heard dd say that (well, she did say it once, about a year ago).! Mothers and daughters do have their challenges and the more alike you are, the more you can butt heads. In recent months, I've had to come to the painful realization that my dd is much more like me at her age than I would have ever believed. Her voice even sounds like mine! And as you've said, you were a challenging teen as well, and you came out alright. As long as you keep letting your dd know that you are there for her when and if she is ready to come back based on the rules that would apply in your household, then I think you're doing the right thing.
I can't remember if the "split" between you and dd was acrimonious or not. I may have you confused with another post, but was it a "calm" decision or one made in the heat of anger, an "I can't take it anymore" decision that she was clearly aware of? Or was it a decision made calmly in the way of "I agree this is best for now." I think that may have a lot to do with whether she is still angry with you or not, all these months later. I would want to make certain she didn't feel abandoned by you, thrown away because she was too much trouble. A year ago when we had all the trouble with dd, my brother and his wife offered to have her come out of state and live with them for a while. Frankly, I just couldn't let her go; it's different though, he's not the parent and I felt too responsible for her to let her go. However, I offered to dd to go up there for a week or two - I made sure she knew "I" didn't want her to go but would let her if that is what she would want. She actually declined, even though she adores her uncle. As long as your dd feels that you still do love her (and I do think it has to be more than letters, but you need to show her - perhaps by doing something for her than she needs, etc.) then hopefully one day there will be a total healing in your relationship.
In answer to your questions...
It was sudden for her to come to me in a heated discussion about her being disciplined that the "I want to live with Dad" came out. I told to her that hell would freeze over before I let her leave. It took me a few weeks to settle on 50/50 custody in March. We did that until July when her dad called me on the answering machine (coward) and announced that she was not coming home for summer vacation. We had police involved and she was declared a runaway and the police would not force her to come to my house. I took him to court and in mediation, after lots of prayers, tons of talking to other people, and her basically telling me I was dirt, I finally gave him residential custody. She knew I wanted her, throwing her out was her dad's idea that I did. He is a major brainwasher (lived it for 13 years, I know what she is going through) and I had to give in for some peace. I know they are practicing Parental ALienation Syndrome. I know the signs because we were all happy and go lucky before I got married again last July. My Ex didnt' like that my new husband actually made me happy and he's jealous that he is not with his newfound life so he knew my acchiles heel to make my life miserable is to take and turn my children against me. Well, I am not miserable, his plan failed and I believe that DD will grow up and realize that all her father did was tell lies about me.
I still have the other two and my hubby, who are my life. My other two see what their sister is doing and they are ashamed of her. THey tell me I'm a good mom and they dont' want to act that way when they are teens. I tell them it may be inevitable and I will give them the same choices that I gave thier sister when and If they ever want to live with Dad. Problem is they don't want to lose thier dad's love, thier Dad's love is conditional on how they act, sad but true so they will eventually lean towards him bbecause of that. All my children know that no matter what they do, my door is always open. I dont' know if that is a fault, that I am gullible to take any kind of crap from them but I think in the long run, it'll help me keep my children while their dad will have to live with his actions of being a conditional dad.
Time to get ready for work. Be back later,
ANDI
OH and by the way, my new hubby wasnt the problem he was the excuse for her to change so dramatically. He actually gets more talk time with her and more civil tones than I do most times we do see her. SO before anyone gets the idea that me marrying again was the catalyst, it wasnt' for my daughter change, it was my Ex husbands reason to take DD away. I'm happy, he's not and it drives him crazy. That is the best revenge after all, isnt' it???
JUst wanted to clarify that...
ANDI