Is it wrong not to like your child?
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| Sun, 11-12-2006 - 4:06pm |
Hello All,
I am a lurkie and finally decided to post. I have been having issues with my DD(15) since she entered middle school at grade 6. When she started middle school all the hormones started kicking and things started blooming, mainly her breast, LOL. Of course all the little boys began noticing her and she liked the attention. At that time my main concern was controlling the boy situation...no phone calls, no dating etc. But she became defiant on several occassions that really shook the household foundation.
Now, my DD is by no means a bad child but she is not an angel either. Over the years she has shown she can be manipulative, lie, steal and persuade her way out of anything. Everyone thinks she is this wonderful child because she attends church, makes honor roll and pretty much respects any adult outside of this household. What people do not see about her are:
Erasing numbers off the caller ID
Us having to change the phone # because of people calling
Having a myspace acct when told not to do
Comments from her on myspace state she drinks and smokes weed
Stealing things from me as far as makeup
Not following the rules in the house
Talking back to teachers
Accused of stealing in school
Her actions and demeanor are not what we have tried to raise her to become. She is now telling her 6 yr old brother to lie for her. I personally do not have a relationship with her and can't wait for her to get out. I do not like her or her ways. At some times I even question if I hate her. Is that not awful or what? People tell me I should get her into counseling especially with this most recent incident. She pierced her own navel in her bedroom. If it was not for her brother we would not have found out. Now I am faced with a doctors visit to make sure she doesn't have an infection.
My DH is concerned with her behavior but still thinks we should try and work with her. I am saying send her to job corps or a military school. He has mixed feelings about it because he just does not want to send her away without helping her. We have been the route with couseling and it makes no difference. She has become who she is and nothing we do or say is going to change it. I have never thought I would say this but I have given up on her and just want her gone from my life. She is causing too much stress in the household and taken care of someone who acts like this further pisses me off.
What do you all think, any suggestions or comments?

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There have been times when I haven't liked one or the other of my kids for a time, I think when they're strong willed and working to cut their ties from their family before they're old enough or mature enough to understand what that really means, we all do.
I work with parents of 0-3 year olds and sometimes it's hard to sympathize and not laugh over their concerns. "I told him to leave the door knob alone and he just went right over and touched it again" Potty training. Tantrums at the mall. Not wanting to wear a certain pair of shoes. Disliking their bath. Cutting their own hair.
There I sit with teens thinking, "Please, let's trade for a week! Please".
Yet those parents are in real pain with their struggles
That tells me that, as bad as it seems now, in 10 years we are going to remember this without our blood pressure soaring and maybe even a little humor.
Of course it doesnt seem possible now, but then not agonizing over how to wash the hair of a 2 yr old who hates water doesnt seem possible to the parents I work with either
IOW this too shall pass!
Nothing you mention shocks me; honestly, the alcohol and pot are of concern and you are going to have to keep tabs along with hundreds of thousands of other moms out there, including me! Yes, you best have the piercing checked out. But she IS a teenager and this sort of stuff goes with the territory.
It's not your fault-you might find things that work in a different or better way than the things you have been doing-but you're a good mom who cares about your dd and you are doing the best you can.
I think we think everyone else's kid is perfect but you hit the nail on the head-your dd appears perfect to others so yeah, it works with those other teens I suspect you are looking at and going "If only....."
Hang in there. You can get through this; look at the military programs-bookmark them, order the pamphlets(I did)Chances are it will make you feel productive and like you have options and that will arm you to go back and continue moving forward
You can do it!
I went through period of not liking my child too much. He had alot of the same issues as you mention... he even pierced his own ear at about age 12.
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Calm down. I felt the same way many, many times. I got so frustrated I could have sold him to the first person that offered. (hehe, good thing no one wants to buy snotty 6'3" teenage boys who curse, lie and make life miserable!)
This will sound so cliche, and I didn't believe it the first time I heard it here... but they do come back around. My son still isn't out of the trouble zone, but as far as our bond.. it's better than it's been in quite awhile. We still argue, but we get over it quicker.
Sorry I don't have better advice... I'm sure someone will be along soon that does... I just wanted you to know you're not alone.
And I was curious.. what kind of things is your DH suggesting when he says he wants to work with her first?
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One of our older two was seriously troubled throughout her adolesence. She brought hell to her own life and into the family.
You say that your daughter has had counseling. Have you had family systems counseling, where the troubled teen and both parents are counseled together? Has your daughter had a complete neuro-psych evaluation? I wouldn't make any type of decision before both have been done.
Do not even THINK about sending your daughter to a specialty boarding school until all LOCAL mental health resources have been completely exhausted. Those places will not "fix" your child. They will only warehouse her for awhile. I know what I'm talking about because our daughter was sent to 3 different facilities for troubled teens over a 4 year period. Sending her to these places kept her safe and alive, but did little more than that. It doesn't sound like your daughter is ready for such drastic action.
Of course it doesnt seem possible now, but then not agonizing over how to wash the hair of a 2 yr old who hates water doesnt seem possible to the parents I work with either
IOW this too shall pass!>>
Exactly what I was thinking.
Please make every effort to maintain this relationship. True, she can move out whether it be now or in a few years, but she'll be your child for the rest of yours and her life.
Try another counselor. Keep trying until you find someone who works well with your family. Given that you and she attend church, please seek help there. Our pastor was a big help with our daughter.
Talk to her guidance counselor at school to find out how she is doing/behaving at school.
Please, don't give up. As everyone mentioned, this really will pass. You must set a good example for your son.
I'm fairly certain you are saying this because you are so worn out and venting. Yeah, btdt! Obviously, your dd did not ask to be brought into this world, and you do not have the right to give up on her. We all want those previous babies and toddlers but when they become these teens, talk about "trial by fire"!
I've said this before and I'll say it again, if therapy hasn't worked, try a ***different*** therapist. Does your dd like going, or did you have to force her to go? I had to try 3 different therapists before we found one that dd can't wait to go to see! Honestly, it's weird but this woman is an expert at dealing with teenagers. She is youngish, and somehow they relate to her. She's that "big sister" that some girls need, I guess. And even with therapy, there will be some set backs. Two steps forward, one step back kind of thing. Gotta keep at it. Does it cost alot of money? h*** yeah! Is it worth it? How much do you want peace? How much do you love your dd? Think about when she was a little girl. That person is still in there, somewhere. Try to love her again, even as unlovely as she is! That's your job, mom. Good luck and hang in there.
Is she being held accountable for her actions/defiance?
Some may not think I am the best at offering advice, being that I was here yesterday asking for help with my dd, but here it goes:
I heard a woman the other day talking about telling her son the she finally liked him, as a parent, we always love them, but we don't always like them.
That is so true, and I am sure it is the same for the child.
DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOUR DAUGHTER!
My sister was five years older than me, gave my mother mortal hell, lying, drinking, lots of guys and fooling around, std's, you name it, she did it. My mom finally kicked her out of the house, then she let her move back, my sister was about 18yo at this time I think. Then she kicked her out again, we never heard from her or saw her again for around 5 years. I lost my sister, my mom lost her daughter and we had no idea if she was dead or alive. When she finally contacted us I was around 18 yo, she called from jail. She ended up in a halfway house, one of those things where you live there, go thru therapy and all and they help you get a job and you have a sponsor.
Think about this: Do you want to deal with your daughter now, try to help her and build a new relationship or, wonder where she is, wonder if she is dead or alive or what? You give up on her, that is what it would possibly be. I do not think any mother would want that.
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