Just friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Just friends?
9
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 12:49pm

Let me just say that I feel embarrassed even asking this question, but I need a reality check. As I posted a few weeks ago, my DD15's boyfriend of 5 months suddenly decided he "needed a break" to consider whether he instead wanted to go out with another girl (one of his "friends" who had been spreading rumors about my daughter in order to break them up). As far as I know, he isn't going out with my daughter or this other girl right now, but my daughter is intent on remaining friends with him. I think she is still secretly hoping that he will change his mind. I also think he is stringing her along big time.

I have been trying to be understanding as she has continued to get together with him--sometimes on her own, sometimes with another friend. They have gone to a local burger place together a couple of times. On these occasions, I have had to pick him up at his house, which is across town from us, drive them to the burger place, pick them up, drive him home, etc. (His parents both work--but even when they're home, they have always tended to be unavailable.) Today, since they are on spring break, they want to go to a movie together, just the two of them. Again, I think they expect me to pick him up, drive them to the movies, take him home, and so on. This situation doesn't seem right to me. I resent this kid stringing my daughter along. I think she is very naive and he is taking advantage of that, and I don't like being made to feel like I'm facilitating this.

Am I overreacting? Is this normal behavior for 15 yo's--to break up and then remain BFFL?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
In reply to: ejteach2007
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 1:09pm
It's not common in my experience.
Pam
Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ejteach2007
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 1:57pm

I think the thing that would tick me off the most would be the constant running here, there, and yon. I would let dd know that you cannot be carting her and her friends (boys and girls both) everywhere all the time. At some point in time, someone else's mom has to help out. They want to go to the movies? You can drop off but someone else has to pick up or vice-versa. This could help eliminate some of the time your dd and her friend spend together, especially since his parents are so often unavailable. I wouldn't worry so much about if he's stringing her along (easy for me to say, I don't have dds!) She will come to her own decision about him in her own time. Not to say there won't be any heart-ache, and as much as we want to sheild them from that, we just can't.

As far as normal for kids to break up and remain friends...I don't know. I know my own ds's have had g/f over the years and some they were able to remain friends with and some they weren't. If they can truly become (or stay) friends after a break-up then I think that's great!

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ejteach2007
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 2:17pm

I agree, I'd be more annoyed about the running around and time wasted getting them together. These days, and that age, it IS fairly normal for bf/gf to remain friendly and still hang out occasionally. I would maybe chat with your dd about not having any delusions about a loving reunion however. I doubt that he's stringing her along - in fact, he's probably oblivious that she may be hopeful for a reunion other than as friends.

My 17dd is still friends with her exbf's - well, all except one. They tried, but he's a butthead so it wouldn't work. Other than that, however, she is even friendly with her *first* real love and is friends with his current gf. It's mind boggling to me, but I do recall being friendly with old bf's after the dust settled. At 15, I just don't think they are clever enough to be that devious.

I think I'd try to come up with a compromise in regards to all the driving here and there and maybe limit it to once a week or bi-weekly. That will also give dd some time to make new connections, hopefully with people who live closer!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ejteach2007
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 2:37pm

It seems odd to me as well

Two months ago, your dd and the bf would go to Cinema South one on one and it would be a date and they were bf/gf. Now, the same two people are going to the same place in the same manner and they're not dating?

How can you tell the difference? How can anyone-including the new gf, if she exists?

I would stop providing the transportation and see what shakes out

I dont think teen boys analyze relationships. If you have ever watched the Dog Whisperer and Caesar's description of dogs 'living in the moment'? Well, that pretty well sums it up.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ejteach2007
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 2:58pm
>>If you have ever watched the Dog Whisperer and Caesar's description of dogs 'living in the moment'? Well, that pretty well sums it up.>> ROFLMAO - omg, thank you for that excellent laugh!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
In reply to: ejteach2007
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 4:14pm

When I was in high school I was part of a group of friends both male and female. It was very common for two people who were friends to date for a while and then when it didn't work remain friends after.

The reasons the stopped dating were never bad like cheating or abuse it was more either the crush went away or they found out they made better friends than anything else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
In reply to: ejteach2007
Sat, 04-21-2007 - 8:57am
Thanks to everyone for you insights. They were very helpful, as usual! I know that this is not just a "let's go back to being friends because it's better that way" situation, at least not from my daughter's perspective. So I will take the advice of not being quite so available for the driving and see what happens. I also appreciate the laughs! I will keep that Dog Whisperer image in mind! (Although I know this boy is not necessarily "living in the moment." I've been told by kids and parents alike that he is "a player.")
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
In reply to: ejteach2007
Sat, 04-21-2007 - 10:08am

Mom, it is normal and understandable that you don't want your daughter to be hurt but be careful. Undue focussing on "B/F-G/F" dynamics sends a message that the only valid relationship a boy and girl can have is a b/f-g/f one. Platonic relationships are very important and very healthy at this age and at any age.

The boy is only 15. I take it that your DD is about that same age. He has told your DD he wants to be friends. Good friends go to movies together; they grab something to eat with other friends;they "hang" together. They talk. It is all very healthy;especially at this age where the kids have to learn how to relate to the opposite sex as "people" first.
The young man can not help it that your daughter hopes that their relationship will step up a notch or two. He is not responsible for your daughter's wishes. He told her that he wants to be friends and it would see that he does. And even if he is not dating the other girl, that has nothing to do with it. Would you resent picking him up if he was a girl?
If they are really friends, I wouldn't.

Sit down with your daughter and ask her how does she feel about the boy. Encourage her to see movies with other friends (boys and girls). Gently tell her that the boy has made his feelings clear. If she finds it too hard to "hang" with him because of her wish for more than she has the right to not be his friend and reduce their socializing together. It's a two-way street.

Of course, this advice is based on a platonic relationship. If it is a different story if
sex is involved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
In reply to: ejteach2007
Sat, 04-21-2007 - 2:42pm
There is no way that I am pushing her to have a BF-GF relationship with him or anyone else. I never wanted her to have a steady BF at this age in the first place. But when she was unceremoniously dumped by him from one day to the next--because he chose to listen to rumors about her that were patently untrue from his supposed "good friends"--I happen to think it would be healthier for her to shrug him off and move on. The thing with him is that he is telling her he "can't decide" between her and this other girl. That's why I was wondering if this "let's be friends" situation was normal or not, and how much I should be supporting it--because I think it would be better for her to focus on other friendships rather than clinging to this kid.