Just a rant
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| Sat, 03-03-2007 - 9:59am |
So - I go downstairs this morning to put a load of clothes in the wash and DS is playing his Wii (been up all night as usual). I tell him about jobs I saw in the paper and he ignores me. Here is a bit of our conversation:
Me: So what is your gameplan?
DS: I dont know.
Me: How do you expect to pay for your phone, gas and insurance?
DS: I dont know.
Me: Do you think power, water, food etc. is free? Who do you expect to pay for all that?
DS: What are you going to do, cut off all the power to the basement?
Me: No, but I can kick your butt out.
DS: Ya, you could.
Me: Dont you want to work to be able to buy yourself the things you want and get your bills paid?
DS: Who WANTS to work.
Me: Doesnt it bother you that I went out of my way and loaned you money for insurance at the beginning of the year on the premise that you'd pay me back monthly and you still owe me $300?
DS: No.
I couldnt believe my ears! How could I have given birth to such an ungrateful brat? I am so hurt and disgusted with myself for being such a pushover, making excuses for him, even taking him on a wonderful holiday and then I hear that.
I am soooooo angry right now - all I could think of doing was typing - sorry! As soon as I calm down he is getting a deadline of March 31. If he has no job by then, he's out. I still have the locks from the last time I almost changed them - I'm totally at the end of my rope. Kid needs to fall long and hard.

Keep those feelings close so you can follow through; I know it's going to be rough.
What are your expectations for March 31st? Job, obviously.
What about a schedule for payback or is that unrealistic in terms of him making the next payments?
Remember, when you talk with him, this is about helping him move to the next stage of his life(even though you are thinking the next stage of his life most heavily involves the fact you havent strangled him YET)
He is saying all the typical things-dont let it get to you. Why its such a shock to these kids that they will have to work when they've seen their parents work all these years? I dont get it!
But, still, he isnt cursing or becoming violent. I mean he isnt saying what you want him to say but do be grateful for at least that
First off, hugs to you - this is a tough time for you!
One thing that struck me is "who wants to work?" On the one hand, I can understand that - wouldn't we all love to not have to work and still get what we want out of life? I mean, that's what keeps State Lotteries in business, isn't it?! But for most of us, we work for a few reasons - it gives us a sense of independence and self-worth, it buys our necessities, it allows us to buy the stuff and activities for our leisure time, it gives us an identity of our own....some of us actually like the work we do! I know he probably said this just to get under your skin, but if you step back it's actually a very telling statement. Why doesn't he want these things - independence, flexibility, money for leisure, an adult identity?
So, maybe you (or someone else he respects) can just address this with him. Not "work or else" (which may be also an important piece of your plan), but also "work because it's an important part of moving into adulthood". Are there adults you know, that he knows, who like their work? Are the adults who can talk about the great part of being independent from your parents?
Sorry you and your son are having such a tough time right now.
((HUGS))
sue
DS has always had problems socially - he's just like his dad that way. Never had many friends growing up, got picked on a lot at school (which I think in the end made him quit) and really not many friends now - just one male friend who is NOT a great one to have. This kid is 21, lives at home with his mom, delivers newspapers in the early morning hours - the rest of the time he spends sleeping or playing video games. Absolutely NO ambition whatsoever and not the type of friend that is doing DS any good.
I was hoping when we went on vacation that DS would do some soul searching but apparently not. He occasionally says he'd like to go to post secondary school for computers. I have researched this for him and it of course requires upgrading which DS wants no part of. I guess he doesnt want that bad enough either. If anything requires any effort on his part, he wont do it.
I really think depression could be an issue with him but when I bring it up, he gets angry and denies that he is although him not keeping jobs, sleeping a lot and staying holed up in the house playing video games is certainly an indicator. He does however eat regularly and shower and there are no drugs or drinking involved here. How do you get an adult child to attend counselling? I wish there was someone he could talk to outside of me and his dad (who he doesnt talk to anyway) but I can't think of a single person.
This is a really tough situation for you and since I haven't been there, I don't know exactly what I would do. It does seem like your son is depressed. The lack of motivation and failure to look into his future are good symptoms.
Do you think your DS would really like to be kicked out into the street? If not, maybe you could write up a list of things he has to do by 3/31--#1 would be get a job, and part of those requirements would be to have an evaluation by a counsellor. If you ask him where he sees his future, does he have any plan of things he would like to do? I know it def. takes some people longer than others to get motivation. My DH's nephew, who I think is 23, is finally getting around to getting his GED. It did take his parents kicking him out for a while (they are divorced and that was part of his self-pity, as if noone else's parents ever got divorced). At Christmas, we saw him and his mother had let him come home so hopefully now he wants to get straightened out.
I'm just wondering ... have you considered that your DS might have a gaming addiction? I've noticed this 'common thread' in your posts --- 'all he does is play video games'. I've noticed a couple of news articles recently discussing just this. I typically only skim them, but remember that those addicted to video, pc and system games lose jobs, relationships and do little else besides fuel their addiction. In an extreme case, I remember reading about an Asian man who, for 3+ days, did nothing else -- didn't eat, drink or sleep -- and actually died.
I have a 13yo DS who is parked in front of the PC for hours on end, so I've been paying a little more attention to this. He doesn't appear to be just playing games, however -- he's learning computer animation programs, web design and such so does a fair amount of 'practice' at home. He also does keep up with school work, goes out with friends and plays tennis 3-4 times a week, so it's not the only thing he does. But I'm still keeping watch because the first thing he does after school, or when he wakes up on weekend mornings, is head to the PC.
Anyway, I did a quick search and found a couple of articles on this. I didn't really read them, but if you do a little more searching, you can probably learn more and apply that to your son.
http://news.rgj.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070219/LIV/702190312
http://www.bradenton.com/mld/bradenton/living/health/16598406.htm?source=rss&channel=bradenton_health
This is just an idea that popped into my head after reading your post.
Edited 3/4/2007 5:31 pm ET by hydrangea_blue
Tamahar, your son sounds very much like my now 25 year old nephew who is still struggling with college (off/on for 5 years, 3 transfers!), hardly works and when he does it's sporadic, his parents pay for his apt, his cell, his utilities, his gas, etc. When he actually works and makes money, he spends it on games or gaming equipment. I strongly agree that it sounds like he has a gaming addiction. Any addiction will create the types of attitudes you've been dealing with.
Perhaps removing all gaming equipment and seeing his response would give you an idea what you're dealing with. My sister and her H did that and thier son moved out of the house. Of course, now they are enabling his addiction by paying for everything he can't because he stays up all night playing games. He often can't make it to work because he's been up all night playing tourneys with his buddies - sometimes he won't sleep for 2 days! This is no joke.