Just a Vent....
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| Mon, 11-06-2006 - 9:18am |
DD is so wrapped up in BF and it's driving me nuts. For the last few weeks EVERYTHING has been so focused on him. This past week I told her she needed to make plans with friends. The whole group of girls all have boyfriends and all of them are so wrapped up with them. Dd made tenative plans with 1 of the girls and then she got sick (the friend) so that fell through.
She'll get so mad at him about something petty and will be just absolutely miserable to the point that I want to go find him and slap him and then he'll call and everything is peachy keen and she's happy again. I've been getting better about not saying too much at these times.
She's changed so much and I know it's her, not him. She's NEVER been one to sit around and wait. At homecoming, she only danced with him. Any other time, she'd dance with every one there. She's kinda bummed that no one flirts with her anymore. None of the guys want to make bf mad or hurt their relationship. But yet all the girls flirt with him still and he dances with others. He went to a party Sat and dd didn't want to go and didn't - she said she didn't want to watch the other girls hitting on him, while she sat there with no one - she's never been like this. She's always been the light of the party! He called halfway through the party and asked if she was mad he was dancing with other girls - she responded no. But it did bother her and she won't tell him. She says she thinks she is overreacting and doesn't want to blow it out of proportion. All of these kids have grown up together all of their lives and dd feels like an outsider to an extent.
She's border-line obsessive at this point. Her aunt and I both talked to her last night about it, probably fell on deaf ears. I'm guessing its the "first love syndrome". She's trying to be the perfect girlfriend instead of herself. Every weekend for the past month has been a mini-soap opera where she is ready to break up with him over something she now says is minor and then he calls/comes over and everything's dandy again.
I can't wait until cheering starts up again so she can put all of her energy into that, but that's another 2 weeks away. I do have her in gymnastics 3 days a week so that is filling up sometime, well when she doesn't blow it off so she can see bf.
I'm crossing my fingers for a blissful upcoming weekend with no drama, please let there be no drama.
Did anyone experience this stuff with their teens first love? How did you guys handle the first love changes? Any words of advice I can pass on?


OMG, This sounds a lot like my daughter. She just turned 16 and has been dating the same boy over a year now. They had a break for a couple of weeks and I thought they were back together last week. (she put the relationship on hold because she thought she was being taken for granted) Well just last Friday her ignored her (so she says) and didn't talk to him all weekend. The boyfriend is a Junior and my dd is a Sophomore. The Junior girls will flirt with him on purpose in front of my dd and leave comments on his MySpace so my daughter sees them.
It's been an emotional roller coaster. In the meantime, there is a Senior football player that calls my dd every night. She says they're just friends, but he makes me feel uncomfortable. He usually comes over with a friend when my dd's best friend is over. The rule is that the door to the basement reckroom stays open. This guy is 6'1" and weighs 275 lbs., shaves his head and has tatoos. While her boyfriend is a sweet, cute, polite kid. I know her boyfriend's mom and his background and think he's a good guy, just immature. I know he really likes my dd, but seems to like attention from other girls too. As does my dd like attention from other guys.
I've found that taking my dd out to lunch on Saturdays when we run errands works well to keep the communication open. She tells me a lot and I try to just listen and offer advice when asked. It's hard because I want to say a lot of things. I know how it can hurt you when your dd is hurting or has some kind of drama of the week. I think it's because we know so much of what is going on in their lives, unlike our mothers. (at least mine, I didn't really talk to about personal stuff)
It's too bad that girls can't go out with several guys, (you're considered a whore if you do according to my dd). My dd has many freinds that are boys that she talks to and hangs out with which is a good thing, but I know she likes her boyfriend a lot and if things aren't going well she is crabby. At least for this week, basketball tryouts are every night, so she'll be focused on that. If she makes JV that would be a good thing to put her energy in.
We just have to take it day by day.
Linda
I don't know if I have any real advice- I have a DD but she was never into BF when in HS- she never even had a serious relationship until college and even then she did not want to get "serious" with one guy- she is now 25 and just got married 3wks ago to a guy she has been dating for about 3yrs! he would gotten married a while ago- but she needed to be sure.
Anyway I do have a DS- he has already dropped a couple of gf because they became too possive and "clingy" (his words) he could not take the constant calling, IM, from these girls who needed to "know" his every move! He was not playing the field or even seeing other girls! He would be at home, school or work - yet for some reason these girls needed to know his every move! - Seeing it from the boys view: They do not see a relationship as needing to be so clingy and having to be so devoted to one person- IMO in HS this is a bit excessive!
As a Mom- I know you want to help your DD and give her advice- but I think she has to learn to deal with this on her own w/o her mother or her Aunt becoming involved
I obviously didn't handle it well. DD cheated on her first b/f for several months b/c she was afraid to break up with. He had her convinced that his abusive dad would make him move back to another state and live with him if the b/f and DD weren't going together. I didn't know all this until much, much later. After they finally did breakup, he followed her around at school, he skipped classes to go look in the doors of the room she was in, he wrote her very manipulative notes, he threatened her, etc. It was not a good situation at all. So I obviously didn't handle the first love well.
I can however sympathize with you. I completely understand. This is very common with girls around 14 or 15. I see it all the time with the teens that I work with. Most of them come to their senses as they get a little older. Unfortunately, mine didn't do it on her own - we finally had to put down the law b/c we felt he was a danger to her, she was not to communicate in any way with the ex b/f. She was furious with us for that even though they had been broken up for a very long time but ultimately she understood (she still won't admit it to us but has to one of her friends who told me).
Anyway, sorry I can't be of more help to you. I have on occassion been known to tell my girls my opinion once and then let it go but I think they are older than yours. The only real help I can offer is that most of the girls that I see at church do outgrow this.
Good Luck!
My DSs have dropped girls coz they were to clingy too - they like to periodically hang out with the guys, work on their cars, go hunting or fishing, and if the g/f can't handle it, they'll drop her.
Well dd came home yesterday all excited about planning a girls night this weekend. One of her friends that is invited told her mother about the "girls night" but mentioned it was up to what J (boyfriend) was doing. Boyfriend stood her up again yesterday - he told her he was coming over around 3:30. That time came and went with no word from boyfriend so at 4:30 I told her to go for her run (she had planned on running after he left). He never showed, called, texted, im'd nothing. At 6:30 he finally im'd saying he couldn't get a ride. DD became really aloof with him and said thats fine I went for a run. Then he wanted to talk about their plans for the weekend. DD basically relayed she wouldn't have time for him, she has plans. He was bummed and then she said she would see about seeing him Sunday. Dd had mentioned to him last week about wanting to see Santa Clause 3 and she said he didn't seem too interested so she told ds11 that she would take him this weekend to see it. Bf all of the sudden wants to see this movie too and she told him she was taking her brother to see it and its up to him if he goes too.
She doesn't call him - she won't call him in fact. She won't text or im him first. So I guess she hasn't gotten too far w/ the obsession. It was just her sitting around, waiting for him to be available to her. I don't know why I'm so excited about cheering starting back up b/c then he's on the basketball team so they will see each other then too.
Sunday night he had told her he was coming over here everyday this week and I guess his lack of communication yesterday hit a nerve cuz after his no show act, she made plans to go to a friends house today after school and then she has gymnastics. I think she was fizzled out on him after yesterday and then she talked to one of her best friends who is also one of bf's best friends and he told her how much J liked her and how crazy he was about her, etc.
I don't hover and I really am attempting to keep my opinions to myself. She comes to me with the issues and asks me my opinion. I just told her to stop waiting around for him. Stop being so available and planning EVERYTHING around him. She and her friends are all so wrapped up in their bf's and none of them have time for each other and that is when I mentioned a girls night. LOL I really didn't want to do it in my house - it's too small, but I'm willing at this point. There is a lot more I would love to say to her, but I do know better.
I still have "The Tenth Circle" fresh in my mind and that book definitely hit home. I just don't want her changing herself and being at his beck n call. I also didn't like the change in her mood and how her mood related on what J had(n't) done that day. I just want her to realize her happiness does not revolve around a guy. It just so wasn't like her to be "submissive" so to speak. I liked the change back to her normal self yesterday, but I guess time will tell how long that will last.