Kicking them out

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Kicking them out
9
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 11:08pm

I'm not sure what to do anymore. We are still having problems with my son, who will be 19 in July. Without going thru the history again for the regulars here, he's still NOT working and is making no effort to find a job. He quit his last job at the end of January and has been doing nothing but sleeping and hanging out at his friends house playing video games. We had a talk with him, outlined our expectations, he puts in a few applications but never follows through with anything. We dont give him a dime, do not buy anything special for him or go out of our way for him. I"m sure his friend his giving him money for gas as we arent (his friend doesnt drive). HIs car insurance is due at the end of this month and of course he has no money to pay it. His cellphone got cut off and they are phoning for the money he owes them and he is not making an effort there either. Its like he doesnt care about anything.

I am not a great believer in kicking kids out for fear that he will end up on the wrong side of the law, possibly doing something illegal and then I'll really feel guilty. The kid doesnt drink, do drugs or party. If I was bailing him out of jail at 4 in the morning or taking him for alcohol or drug treatment, it'd be different. He is just lazy and doesnt want to work for anything - like he has some sense of entitlement. I have thought it might be depression but when I approach him about counselling he refuses - can't make a 19 year old go. I'm not sure whether it is really just laziness, depression or maybe both.

I have NO idea what more to do. Wait until his car insurance runs out and the friend gets tired of footing the bill? Hope that he comes to his senses soon? Its driving both my husband and I crazy. He's a smart kid but has zero ambition.

Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 11:14pm
Yikes what a situation... What about making counseling a condition of staying in your home?



iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 11:44pm
It's really fascinating that he is 19 and has found NOTHING to be passionate about in his life. He is so young and should be eager about chasing some dream in his life. Does he truly not have anything that interests him? Music? Sports? Technology? Hairdressing??? I wouldn't be too excited about getting a *job* either but has there been nothing in his life that he has cared about?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 11:53pm
We tried every sport, club, hobby under the sun as he was growing up but nothing interested him. His only passion is computers and gaming. His friend is the same way. He was determined to get a job in a local gaming store, got an interview but didnt get the job - that was a big disappointment for him. He always says that he wants to buy this game or this upgrade for his computer but when it comes down to working for it, thats where it stops. He also says he wants to move out and get his own place but it never goes farther than that. I have suggested going back to school, upgrading and going to post secondary for computer technology. Sent him links to places that develop and test video games but when he sees all the education he needs, forget it, not interested. He's always hated school with a passion. I keep telling him that if he goes back and upgrades (not at the high school he was at - bad memories) but to another school with kids in his same position, he will meet new friends and might find something that interests him. Nope, not interested. I have NO idea where to go from here. Like I said, if he was a really bad kid I wouldnt hesitate to boot his ars out, but he causes me zero grief other than this laziness and motivation issue. SIGH!
Community Leader
Registered: 12-16-2003
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 12:03am
((Hugs)) I am sorry. Perhaps you and your dh could write out a contract with him. He was to go to school part time and work part time before X date or he goes out. The hard part is you will have to stick to the pushing him out.

Ramona  Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!

Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 9:01am
He does take stuff from you....electricity to run his video games and TV, food...I do assume that you feed him, and other expenses.
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 9:16am

Hi Tamarahar, If I recall you did let him know what the consequences would be if he didn't get his act together, correct? If so, you really have no alternative but to follow that path. If that means you give him a deadline to either shape up and get responsible or move out, then so be it. It is unlikely he will end up in the streets or on the bad side of the law. It is likely that he will end up on a friend's couch until that kids' parents get sick of him being around and then he may flop around a bit and *hopefully* figure out that his way is not working. At some point, especially since he's not doing drugs, etc., REAL life will hit him. And as always, let him know that once he's ready to be a responsible member of the family and household, he is welcome back with open arms.

I feel compelled to add that his "drug of choice" is the video games. I know you realize this - can you take them all away? Tell him they are not allowed in the house anymore? That might be a small first step, but I think he'd probably just spend more time at his friend's house anyway. My 25 year old nephew is addicted to video games, etc., and he's a total drip...if he continues in this way I see a bleak future for him. He is one of my assistants at work and there are days when I wish I could just tell him, "why bother coming in if all you're going to do is sit at the computer, pretend to work and play video games??" but it's not my place...I work for his father who has enabled him his entire life and pays all his bills. The 'kid' will never learn until he hits bottom.

Hugs tam, I know you're facing a difficult situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 11:21am

I agree with h&r that your DS' gaming hobby has gone beyond mere amusement and could probably be considered an addiction.

Before you toss him out completely, how about making him a deal? He can stay at home provided he attend a program for addictions. I don't know if there is a program specifically for gaming addiction, but I have read enough about it on the inet/news to be aware of the growing problem, so I tend to think there are programs out there somewhere. One of our local churches has a "Celebrate Recovery" program that addresses addictions of all kinds -- alcohol, gambling, sex, eating disorders, etc.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 11:57am

I agree that the gaming has become an addiction.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 12:21pm

I think you have to reset your own thinking

This is not a 'good kid'. He uses his friends and his family and, were he here in the US, would spend his life on welfare, using the taxpayers

This is wrong-just as wrong as drugs and stealing

Once you can see him like that, instead of an innocent victim, perhaps you will find the strength to get him to move forward. He is not going to miraculously change.

If he was out there, working or living in the community, THEN there are opportunities. He could meet a girl he liked or stumble upon a job he found exciting. He could see a possession he really desires and decide to work for it.

There is no motivation to be found in front of the video game box-no one is going to knock on the door, walk in and offer him a job or a relationship with a significant other.

By not shipping him out there, you are denying him those opportunities.