Kids and parties
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| Sun, 03-11-2007 - 12:56pm |
I'm relatively new to this board, so I'm sure this has been discussed before. But I'm wondering what kinds of questions you ask of other parents who are hosting parties in their home. My DD15 went to a party last night at the home of a girl I've never met before, nor do I know her parents. My DD is a freshman in high school this year, and this girl is someone that she met through her boyfriend. I did not call the girl's parents ahead of time (mistake, I know). But I did ask my husband to go inside when he dropped off my DD and her boyfriend so he could speak to the parents. Apparently, the girl's parents are divorced and only her father was there to supervise. My husband had only a very brief conversation--basically just confirming the pick-up time.
When my daughter came home, she was upset because some of the kids at the party--who were from another HS--were getting pretty wild. I don't know exactly what happened. I know they were throwing food and spraying soda and playing "Truth or Dare". My daughter insists there was no alcohol or sexual activity going on (although I'm sure the game got pretty suggestive). She said that she and her boyfriend weren't comfortable, so they spent the evening talking and watching TV, waiting until they were picked up. They also tried to clean up some of the mess the others were making. They were too embarrassed to call home (which we have since addressed with them).
In any case, I'm wondering what others do. We are new to this HS scene, and not knowing our kids' friends' parents even casually. What do we absolutely need to ask and how do we do it without being too embarrassing (which is less of a concern than safety, of course)?

Good question!
My middle one was the only social one of my three and I always felt embarassed. I did check in a few times but not as much as I should have and I always felt awkward asking. And all I asked was if my son was indeed invited and if a parent would be home.
Im interested to hear responses
I will say that I dont know that there is anything a parent could have done about the party in question. It sounds more like a bad match of interests and the kids were stuck because they were too young to drive away. I don't host parties but I can't see myself getting involved in what your dd describes(maybe the mess but Id have to actually see it-I'm thinking diligent parents are checking in but not there every minute and the kids would probably do the soda spray when dad was on his way out from a check)
Just a few days ago, I started a thread about just this ... it's called "Come Get me Code" for Teens ... or something like that.
Due to a situation with my 13yo DS last weekend, DH came up with a plan whereby either one of our kids (I also have 15yo DD) could call us under the pretense of 'checking in' and by his or her use of a particular 'phrase' as part of that convo, we would come get them ... no questions asked and there is no way for a well-meaning friend or adult to convince them to stay because we will make any decision about it for them.
Basically, when we get that 'check-in' phone call (and what teen doesn't have to 'check-in' with mom and dad?) we ask a specific question -- 'Are you having fun?' If we get a 'yeah, I'm having a great time' response, we know all is well. If the response includes the agreed upon phrase (which incidentially, still implies our kid is having fun, so no one listening would think otherwise) we then say 'Well, I'm sorry to ruin your fun, BUT ... somethings come up and we're coming to get you right now."
We didn't think the 'I don't feel well' response would work ... in the event a well-meaning adult overheard, he/she might offer aspirin, a lay down, etc., which wouldn't get our kid out of the situation he/she wanted out of. By our showing up due to a 'family emergency' or something, us parents are in control.
We've also told them that if we don't get that 'check-in' phone call by an agreed upon time, WE would make the call to them.
You might want to talk to your DD about something like this.
Whoops ... I see now that you've already seen my original thread! Sorry for the repeat.
Edited 3/11/2007 2:40 pm ET by hydrangea_blue
When DSs were at age 14/15, we would call the parents to be sure that they'd be home, but not when they were at one of their regular friends' homes, whose parents we knew well. Even though it embarrassed them, we'd call or ask to speak to the parents when we dropped them off. Age 16/17, when they started driving, we stopped checking regularly and did so only occasionally. We were wrong--found out kids were drinking at sleepovers or sneaking out and going to homes that allowed drinking. Back to being more vigilant. We should be checking until they are 18.
Last year when DS was 16 a friend of his spent the weekend with us when his parents were out of town. When they told me they were going to that friend's house to watch a movie, I said fine, if it's just the two of you. A bit later I called and DS told me that more kids had come, maybe 8 or 9 in all. I went over there and told them that either I was going to stay there with them, or they would all have to leave. They chose to go somewhere else.
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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
You know the problem is that even if you ask parents questions there's no guarantee they are telling you the truth or that they will follow through. Not all parents are created equally.
I remember when my dd was 14 and she went to her first high school dance. She didn't have a ride there so she arranged to get a ride with a friends mom. I was uncomfortable knowing that this friend had teenaged older siblings and I didn't want my dd in a car, at 11PM after the dance with a teenaged driver. So I called the mom who assured me that indeed she would be picking up the girls and driving my dd home.
Well lo and behold the night of the dance it wasn't the mom but this girls older sister...I was outraged. Its not that anything happened but I don't know this girl and how would I know she was okay to drive?! It seems the mom had gone out to dinner with her husband after all... Why did she say she'd drive and if she knew I made a point of asking her at least do me the courtesy to tell me her older daughter would be driving and assure me it would be okay?
So ever since then I don't take parents at their word anymore. I ask my dd about the event, all the details, all the who-when-how-what questions that annoy her and then make up my mind if its a place I want her to be and can trust her to take care of herself.
This is the hardest part of HS for me - I don't know the parents, and don't trust their re-assurances. I'm doing my best to talk to my DD - and resigning myself to the idea that there are things I'll never know about.
But, still, I do call the parents. I do ask about alcohol (hope for none) and supervision (hope for lots). And I try to keep open communication with my DD.
I have never felt as strongly about anything as I feel about what I'm going to say here...
If you do not know the parents, do not speak to them by phone - speak to them face to face.
Two years ago, my son asked if he could go to a party at "J's" house. He insisted "J's" parents would be there, and everyone would be sleeping over. I told him he couldn't go unless I spoke to "J's" mom. He fought that all week; finally, I told him it was that or he wasn't going. I asked him for her phone number and called her.
Spoke with the woman for about 10 minutes. Yes, they were sleeping over. yes, she would monitor things. Yes, she would call me if there was any sort of problem.
I did not feel comfortable (there's that "mom" instinct) but let him go. The entire night, I was nervous and upset. He did call and check in with me at about 2 am, and he sounded fine - so I went to sleep.
He came home about 7 the next morning. While online that morning, I happened to see "J's" away message (yes, that's MY way of snooping - many of DS's friends are on my buddy list). "Need to get this house cleaned ASAP - someone help me!"
Burst into DS's room like a cannon. He continued to insist that J's mother was at the party until I made up my OWN little white lie and said J's message said "parents coming home soon." At that point, he knew he was snagged and told the truth.
Turned out J's "mother" was really one of their friends (over the phone, many 17-19 year old teenage girls sound like adults, and this girl had her act down pat - I was obviously not the only mother she had spoken to). Things got out of hand at the party, there was an abundance of alcohol, much vomiting, at least one or two fights (not physical but arguments), and in general, no one really had a good time.
DS was restricted for a LONG time. When I finally did let him go out, I used to randomly show up where he said he was going (and he didn't go to another party without me for MONTHS). The friend that had set up the phone call was banned from my home forever for what I considered to be incredibly disrespectful behavior (I had never met the actual girl I spoke to, but she was banned as well), and the two friends who took him to the party were not allowed back into my home until I had spoken to them. Did I expect them to rat him out? No - but since I could see they wouldn't tell me the truth, he wasn't allowed to go anywhere with them until they both promised me that if something like that were to occur again, they at least would not participate in the lie.
Why did this happen? Because I had never met J's parents - and therefore had no way of gauging that I really wasn't speaking to J's mother. Because DS was going with people who drove, so I didn't drop off or pick up.
Needless to say, I was thankful nothing serious happened - but believe me, teenagers are quite manipulative - and if you WANT to believe them (or they've never given you reason not to) - you can be bamboozled.