kids' friends at the house
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| Fri, 04-27-2007 - 11:13am |
I read something on another post (dating) from heartsandroses about how she knows her DD's friends because a lot of kids hang out at their house. I didn't want to get that thread off the topic, so I'm starting a new one. When I was in h.s., I always had friends over the house, just doing innocent things. I would even play the piano and we would sing together. It was the same at their houses, so I felt like my close friends' parents were like more parents. I knew all their relatives too. BTW, none of us got into any trouble either.
My DD is graduating from hs now and I really regret that she has felt like she has not been able to have friends over due to my DH. Not that he has ever said that she can't have people over, it's that you never know about his unpredictable behavior. He wouldn't think twice about yelling at his DD whether her friends or my DD's friends were there or whether he is embarrassing people. I guess kids' feelings don't count to him. When she was little, she constantly had friends sleeping over on weekends. Then I got remarried. The last time I can remember that she had friends over was maybe a year ago. It was on their Feb. vacation. She had asked if some kids could come over & watch TV. We said ok. DH & I went out to dinner and when we got home, he freaked out because he tought 2 kids (one boy & one girl) were going to be there and he saw 3 cars. A boy that DD worked with had called her and since the other kids were there, she asked him to drop by also. It's not like they were having a party--they were just watching TV quietly. DH wasn't even mad that the other kid came over, it was more like when I called home to say how is everything going, she didn't tell us IN ADVANCE that he was there and DH, due to his mental illness, can't take surprises. If she had told me on the phone that another kid was there, even though she didn't ask permission ahead of time, apparently that would be ok. (Don't try to follow the logic of a MI person, there isn't any.) So since that time, she has not had one friend over the house, not even one girl to sleep over. I notice that DH will ask his DD (almost 17) many times, why don't you invite one of your friends to come over or sleep over, esp. when my kids are at their father's, and she never does either.
I always wanted to be one of those families where the kids could hang out any time. I would put up w/ extra noise, etc. just to know my kids were safe at home and not on a street corner somewhere. But to DH, it's more important to him to get his sleep, not be bothered, etc. It is really too bad.

Hey {{musiclover}}. When H and I were first married, he had to make an adjustment to having kids around. And then, as they got older, he REALLY didn't like having all the pre-teens at our house all the time. I will be honest, it was a little much for a few years there and I even had moment's I wished I didn't have all those kids around! But, I grew up in a chaotic home and was always out at my friend's homes instead of bringing them home and I swore that my kids' friends would be more than welcome at my home. And they are. I recall years ago, H telling me that when he was a kid he wouldn't bring friends home because his father had a knack for yelling at him and humiliating him in front of the friends so he stopped bringing friends home. It worked for him - he was always out also. He pondered aloud one day, "Why do all the kids have to hang out here? When I was their age, I was always out of my house!" and I responded, "They like it here, they are comfortable here and I wouldn't have it any other way. Get used to it or go apartment hunting because I'm not telling my kids they can't have friends over", which I realize now sounds a little obnoxious. Haha -
Anyway, we came to some compromises. It was agreed that we would occasionally throw in a 'kid-free' weekend, where there would be no or less kids hanging around. We also agreed to a noise curfew - our house is small and you can hear everything - of 11PM on weekends and 10 PM on weeknights. If kids were over on the weekends, the noise had to end at 11 and the kids had to leave by Midnight (or lights out at 12:30AM). It worked for us and H has come to really enjoy and love having kids over all the time. He enjoys conversations with some of the kids now that they are young adults and embarking on life! And he will sometimes say, "gee the house seems quiet today". Now, don't get me wrong, he hasn't gone all soft - he still relishes the peace and quiet when the kids are out of the house, but he doesn't mind the noise so much anymore.
With dd19 at college our teen traffic has been cut in half and the house does get quiet. I will really be at a loss when both dd's are out of the house - I love the chaos and noise that goes along with having a housefull of nutty teens! lol-
Have you ever discussed this with dd? I think it would be okay to broach the topic and just see how she feels about it. It may be that she's not altogether as unhappy as you think she is about it. Hugs~
We had almost the same situation. My DH (who moved to a new job in the DC area in June) could never stand all the noise--had to get his sleep. He, too, would sometimes yell at DSs in front of their friends. But now, even with him gone, DS17 rarely has friends over. I think it's because I check up on them--at age 15, I caught him and 3 friends with a Smirnoff Twisted one of his friends grabbed from our landing, and I sent his friends home. It was clear no underage drinking would be allowed in our house. And it could also be that I embarrass DS by wearing sweat pants--he's asked me, "Why can't you dress like a normal mom?" (He is quite particular about how he dresses.) But I'm stubborn in that, in my own home, I need to be comfortable, and I'm not comfortable in tight jeans or fancy clothes at home. And I really want him to know that it's okay to be your own person and not do what everyone else does just because that's the norm.
DS will have his gf over, but never his guy friends. I share your sadness. It's nice to be able to get to know our children's friends, and I miss that. Maybe we'll just have to wait until they're older and they understand why we had to make the restrictions we did. But in this moment, we have to do what our guts dictate, even if it means our kids are always at someone else's home.
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I had this issue growing up. My parents did not and could not tolerate my friends being over. It wasn't that there was any mental illness or anything in the family. Its just that they were, quite frankly, very particular and very fussy about their home and messes and noise and hours and getting to sleep on time etc etc. It meant that I had very few friends over ever. My sister is 6 years younger than me and they loosened up a bit more with her by the time she was in university. But by then she was bringing adults home -- not teenagers.
And I believe that this is one of the reasons I never really established alot of close, lasting relationships with my teenage friends. To not have this regular interaction as well as not return courtesies of inviting friends to my home when I had spent time at theirs eventually degraded the relationships. Not to have the freedom to have friends over or privacy when they were over drove my sister to quickly leave my parents home when she was of age and I strongly believe led to my marriage at a very young age. (She was 22 when she left I home; I married at 22 mainly to leave home). I loved my parents but I could not handle the oppressive atmosphere.
So now with my kids things are much less stringent. My 11 yo son has his friends over to play and they have the run of the house. My 15 yo dd has had friends over for movies and pizza plenty of times and I regularly encourage social activity. I want them to grow up with plenty of social experiences and I want them to feel welcome and free in THEIR own home because its not just MY house. They live here too so why wouldn't I make it a fun, safe place for them and their friends to be as well? To put up with a few evenings of noise and friends and mess and having to stay in another part of the house is no huge sacrifice on my part...