kid's friends who overstay welcome

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
kid's friends who overstay welcome
15
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 4:10pm

Hi,

I'm hoping someone out there is going through the same or something similiar . . .

My daughter has this friend - she's a nice girl, but she is over 24/7 - my daughter goes to college now, so we don't have to see her too often, but as soon as my daughter is in town, she's immediately at our house.

My kids have a lot of friends - and we see them come and go every day - some have snacks and meals with us - some spend the night . . .but they know when to leave, and it's not excessive, so I enjoy seeing them - except this one girl . . .

This has been going on for a long long time, and I finally got frustrated enough to say something to my daughter - like "she has a home", "she needs to go home to sleep, eat and shower", "she needs to pick up after herself".

She comes over with a weekend bag and just parks it here for the weekend. She helps herself to meals and snacks and leave the dirty dishes for me - she takes showers here and throws her wet towels and bathing suits down, used tissues, drink and food containers and borrows things from my daughter which she never returns until I have my daughter ask for them back. I've brought pantyhose and earrings for my daughter which she didn't want and so I see them on this friend - $8 pantyhose that she somehow thinks she's entitled to!

So, last year, my daughter told me that this friend thinks I hate her - I tried to explain to my daughter that her friend was taking advantage of us - that she has to go home sometimes . . .but I felt badly, so I wrote this girl an e-mail and tried to explain without going into it that I needed some time with my daughter and that she's always here. For awhile, things were ok . . .but then last summer, it started again - she spent 3-4 nights in a row over our house, helped herself to our refrigerator even when my daughter told her that she had already eaten dinner - and when my daughter went overseas, I thought she would give us our privacy, but she stayed over that night, so I never got to say good-bye to my daughter alone.

My daughter came home from college yesterday and as expected, this girl was over. I didn't even see her - I usually try to just leave the room, so it won't bother me, but then I heard a dish break (it was my daughter's doing) and this girl started her horrible loud laugh, and I lost it - I sent my daughter a text on her phone - without using a name I said "don't encourage her to snack" (because I didn't want to pick up after her) and "can you shut the door, she's sooooo loud". Wouldn't you know, she was ON MY DAUGHTER'S PHONE and saw the text. I felt really bad - not for writing it, but because I didn't want to see it - I was just trying to vent . . .

So, my daughter's first night back from college and I made her cry - the girl ended up leaving, but she had another friend's to go out with that night - I had a talk with my daughter and apologized, but I tried to explain that I did it out of frustration. That this girl has just gone overboard and worn out her welcome . . .but that I did want her to stay friends with her, but I just don't enjoy her taking advantage of us all the time. Well, I think I patched things up with my daughter, but I still feel horrible about her friend - I didn't mean to hurt her, but things need to be resolved.

My husband does agree with me, but says I should just let things go and deal with it - I really try to, but I can't - I really resent her, and every time she walks through the door now, I cringe. I don't feel this way about their other friends, but they come and go . . .

Is there anyone else that can relate? Am I wrong for wanting this girl to have some recognition that maybe she spends too much time at our house? She's 19 years old and should have some idea about what to do and not do at someone's house. Maybe it's partly my daughter's fault for inviting her over here sometimes.

I haven't even listed everything she's done - I really could write a book - but the thing is, she's not a bad kid - and I'm glad that she and my daughter are friend's . . .

Any advice would greatly be appreciated!!!

Thanks,
Signed,
Incredibly frustrated . . .

You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 6:04pm
I can hear your frustration and totally relate to it. BTDT, except it was my DS's g/f that got on my nerves something awful coz she was ALWAYS here. Finally I said that Sunday afternoons are FAMILY TIME, if you don't receive your mail here, you're not welcome between 11 a.m. and 7 p.m. I didn't target the g/f with this, I told ALL the kids that there would be no friends here for that time. Once I actually got to spend a little time with my DS without the g/f shadowing his every move, I actually found that I liked her, and didn't resent all the other time she spent at the house. Maybe if you're very clear that x time is family time, and nobody's friends, including your own, are not welcome for that time.
Rose
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 9:17pm

Rose,

Thanks for your reply - what's with people - don't they know they are taking advantage and overstaying their welcome?

I did write her a note of apology last year because we had a problem - I told her that I wanted to spend time with my daughter and that she was always here - well, it work for a little bit, but then I start acting nice to her and she thinks everything is fine again - that she can be part of our family.

She comes from a nice family, but her parents are strict - and we are more laid back and fun - and she just thinks it's great that she can reach into our frig. and make mac and cheese in the middle of the night and have a fun place to hang out. I love when the girls have friend's over, but this one doesn't know when to leave - and she lives kind of out of the way, and we live in a good location, so she thinks it's a place where she can bring a weekend bag and hang out. She isn't a bad kid, but when she walks through the door, I just cringe . . .and she has this shrilly laugh and is loud which makes me crazy - I guess everything she does is going to irritate me because I am sick of her - if I never saw her again, I wouldn't be upset.

When my daughter goes to her house, they treat her very well - but my daughter doesn't go there all the time I used to treat this girl well too until she took advantage of us - and she's a slob and leaves things around - I don't know . . .I know she's nice and all, but if someone doesn't have respect for me or my house, it's rude.

I don't think I'm going to have to worry for awhile about her coming over because she's probably avoiding me at all costs and hates me for what I said about her. I think she just doesn't understand where I'm coming from. We've taken this girl on a cruise with us too (she paid) and we had to take her to the ship's doctor because she got sunburned - she's not the brightest . . .and has no life - and I think she thinks the world of my daughter and thinks our family is exciting . . .it's too bad that her parents are strict, but it's not my problem. Whenever I ask my daughter where something is, she said this girl borrowed something - she takes clothes and movies and players and other things and just never returns them.

Thanks for replying . .. I'm so incredibly frustrated and feel horrible about this whole thing, but I don't know what else to do . . .it had to stop.

Thank you for your support!!!!

You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 1:37pm

Ive never been that house where the teens accumulate. I dont consider myself a strict parent but a very private one-the idea of schlepping downstairs in my PJs one morning, unrestrained boobs flopping to my waist, and discovering a couple of teenage boys in the kitchen? Dont think so. Nor do I have any interest in fully dressing to make myself a cup of coffee-this is MY home

I appreciate those families that are more open(world would be boring if we were all the same) but, I have to say, your situation sounds VERY open to me. Showing up with a duffel and staying for multiple nights without anyone asking? It isnt just that I cant imagine my sons friends doing this-I cant imagine my son promoting or going along with it

I understand this particular girl is getting to you but I think your family as a whole might just need to revisit boundaries. Your dd didnt want the earrings and pantyhose you purchased so does she understand what she was supposed to do with them-return them? Give them to you to return? Donate them to charity? Im betting SHE gave the girl the items as opposed to the girl helping herself to them-I mean, it just doesnt add up that this girl rummaged through dd's drawers and happened to to take what dd didnt want.

If dd is in college, it is a good time to re-establish rules. I dont know if you have other kids at home but, in any case, you have developed a different lifestyle with her gone. I've had to relearn shopping and cooking as my oldest is out and my middle is at college-Im sure you have made some similar adjustments

I would use that as a springboard to open the discussion and come up with some guidelines and clear expectations for the future-and they should be GENERAL, not directed at this girl as no one IMO should be showing up at your door unannounced with a suitcase

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 2:19pm

First, I'd like to offer my sympathy! I came home last night at a little past 11:00 (after being gone since 4:00 with my DD) to find a huge mess in the kitchen and family room and since I don't like waking up to a mess in the morning, I took the time to clean everything up. It took me 45 minutes. Ugh. Not happy. DH and DS were responsible for the mess and you can bet they heard about it first thing this morning.

Second, I think it is wonderful that your teens' friends feel welcome and comfortable enough in your home to make themselves at home, but you're probably not going to like what I have to say now.

The reason this has gone on with this girl as long as it has is because you have allowed it to. IMO, if she is going to come into your home and behave as if she's one of the family, you should treat her like one and tell her to pick up and clean up after herself. There is no reason why you couldn't have said "Jane, you left a huge mess in my kitchen. Please go clean it up before you do anything else." or "Jane, you left wet towels and a swimsuit on the bathroom floor. Please go hang them up before they start to mildew." It's what I say to my kids when they leave a mess behind.

DS has had a good buddy since 1st grade and he spents a good amount of time here. When they swim, I tell them both to hang up their towels when their finished and it's now something DS' friend knows to do and he does it -- probably better than DS! If they take a snack up to DS' room to play PS2, I remind them that the trash and dishes need to come back downstairs when they're finished. Neither DS nor his friend is offended by this, nor do they have reason to be.

Also, there is absolutely no reason why you can't tell Jane to go home! "Jane, we have family plans tomorrow night, so you'll have to leave in the morning" or "It's not convenient for you to stay this weekend, so you'll need to go home after dinner". I also think your DD should have been more inclined to get her friend in-line with your family expectations -- especially since she has known how her friends behavior bothers you.

I don't think this girl should be offended, she should be embarrassed! By 'teaching' her how one behaves in someone else's home, you would be doing her a great favor, since her parents haven't seen fit to do so.

I'm sorry your DD is upset with you, but she and her friend have taken advantage of your generousity and good nature and they should be ashamed!

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2006
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 2:51pm
hey! I'm a teen, i'm 16, and i just thought i'd give a little different perspective. I totally understand that you dislike having her over all the time, but it sounds like rather than taking care of that yourself, you're putting the responsibilty on your daughter to make her friend "behave". It's just kinda weird for someone to tell their friend to put her dishes away, especially when your dd probably doesn't care about the dishes. It wouldn't be rude for you to ask her to help clean up, to leave, etc. But your daughter can't/doesn't want to be responsible for her friend, get what i mean? you should deal with the girl directly rather than through your daughter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 3:54pm
You have a point, but OTOH, my kids know what my expectations around the house are, and I expect them to live with them, whether it's them or their friends making the mess. It's not unusual for my kids to tell a friend "we gotta clean this up or my mom is going to freak." It's the kid of the house's responsibility to let friends know what mom's expectations are IMHO. Unfortunately, this has been allowed to go on for so long now, that it's going to be really tough for the DD to say anything to her friend.
Rose
Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 4:03pm

Rose - I'm right there with you. DS has his friends clean up after themselves and bring dirty dishes to the kitchen - no luck yet getting them to load the dishwasher with their stuff, but I figure that's close enough!

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 5:33pm

You are just too funny!

Well, we are pretty open here, but I'm a private person too - my daughter's friends just know that they need to be polite - which they are always. They are good kids.

This girl didn't rummage around in my daughter's drawers and pull the pantyhose and earrings out of the drawers - the girls were both getting ready for a dance together, and this girl conveniently forgot to bring pantyhose - and then thought she liked my daughter's earrings better. I wasn't in the room, but I know these girls - they make themselves at home, and this girl probably asked my daughter if she could have them and my daughter probably said yes. I later told my daughter I wanted the money back for the pantyhouse. I don't support her friends and don't want to. The earrings were a separate time - I walked out to my daughter's car outside and saw them off before they left - and there were the earrings that I just bought my daughter in this friend's ears - what could I do? I couldn't ask for them back - I just figured after she wore them (I could have returned them though), I could get them back, but I never saw them again.

My daugher is in the room - oops - got to go - thanks
Ive never been that house where the teens accumulate. I dont consider myself a strict parent but a very private one-the idea of schlepping downstairs in my PJs one morning, unrestrained boobs flopping to my waist, and discovering a couple of teenage boys in the kitchen? Dont think so. Nor do I have any interest in fully dressing to make myself a cup of coffee-this is MY home

I appreciate those families that are more open(world would be boring if we were all the same) but, I have to say, your situation sounds VERY open to me. Showing up with a duffel and staying for multiple nights without anyone asking? It isnt just that I cant imagine my sons friends doing this-I cant imagine my son promoting or going along with it

I understand this particular girl is getting to you but I think your family as a whole might just need to revisit boundaries. Your dd didnt want the earrings and pantyhose you purchased so does she understand what she was supposed to do with them-return them? Give them to you to return? Donate them to charity? Im betting SHE gave the girl the items as opposed to the girl helping herself to them-I mean, it just doesnt add up that this girl rummaged through dd's drawers and happened to to take what dd didnt want.

If dd is in college, it is a good time to re-establish rules. I dont know if you have other kids at home but, in any case, you have developed a different lifestyle with her gone. I've had to relearn shopping and cooking as my oldest is out and my middle is at college-Im sure you have made some similar adjustments

I would use that as a springboard to open the discussion and come up with some guidelines and clear expectations for the future-and they should be GENERAL, not directed at this girl as no one IMO should be showing up at your door unannounced with a suitcase

You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 5:53pm

I do appreciate everything you said - and I agree with you. We should have said something a long long time ago . . .but that's when things were kind of turbulent with my daughter anyway, and I used to kind of tip toe around her moods. At that point, I was just trying to be nice to her. Be mistake, but you are right.

I did always tell them to pick up their wet towels and stuff, but they don't. I really wish I was more forward, but I kind of shy away from being assertive with others - I don't really have a way with words and everything would sound much worse than it was.

When I try to explain things to my daughter, she tells me that her friend's parents love her and let her eat anything she wants when she goes to her house. Well, the big difference is that my daughter doesn't go over there too much, so of course, they love her. My daughter is polite and quiet too. This friend - oh, she has this loud shrilly laugh that just makes me crazy -

I haven't seen this girl since she saw the text message, so that might have done the trick, but it wasn't the way I wanted to explain things to her. My daughter doesn't want me to talk to her about it, but if the subject does come up, I will have to tell her the way it is - the problem is that I should have done all this early (like you said), so if I tell her everything that bothers me about her, there's just so much - I could write a book !

The way things stand right now is that she probably thinks I'm a bitch, but I haven't seen her either, so this is fine too.

Thanks!!!!!

You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 6:01pm

Thank you for your input - I think you are right - it shouldn't be my daughter's responsibility to keep her friend in line - and I'm not quite sure if my daugher really understands how I feel because she isn't the one who cleans or pays for anything -

We should have said something long ago - I did want to, but my daughter was about your age or a little younger when the problem started - and she wasn't exactly thrilled with me those days anyway, so if I would have said something to her friend, she probably would have flown off the handle at me. I really tried to keep peace and make her happy - I'd bend over backwards for her and do anything for her including put up with her friend.

Well, at this point her friend probably thinks I'm the biggest bitch, and I haven't seen her since she saw the text. I think if the subject does come up and she talks to me, I'd love to tell her everything, but there's a huge list of things she has done over the years - and I think she'd just flip out hearing everything. She's not the brightest and just doesn't have a clue - her parents are pretty strict with her - and not that we let our kids do everything, but it's relaxed and not so many rules - the kids have enjoyed spending time with us - but other friends come and go - this girl takes a weekend bag and parks it at our house - eating our food, taking showers and sleeping over night after night.

It's hard . . .but I thank you so much - it's good to get another view from someone younger!!!

You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and

Pages