kid's friends who overstay welcome
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 12-16-2006 - 4:10pm |
Hi,
I'm hoping someone out there is going through the same or something similiar . . .
My daughter has this friend - she's a nice girl, but she is over 24/7 - my daughter goes to college now, so we don't have to see her too often, but as soon as my daughter is in town, she's immediately at our house.
My kids have a lot of friends - and we see them come and go every day - some have snacks and meals with us - some spend the night . . .but they know when to leave, and it's not excessive, so I enjoy seeing them - except this one girl . . .
This has been going on for a long long time, and I finally got frustrated enough to say something to my daughter - like "she has a home", "she needs to go home to sleep, eat and shower", "she needs to pick up after herself".
She comes over with a weekend bag and just parks it here for the weekend. She helps herself to meals and snacks and leave the dirty dishes for me - she takes showers here and throws her wet towels and bathing suits down, used tissues, drink and food containers and borrows things from my daughter which she never returns until I have my daughter ask for them back. I've brought pantyhose and earrings for my daughter which she didn't want and so I see them on this friend - $8 pantyhose that she somehow thinks she's entitled to!
So, last year, my daughter told me that this friend thinks I hate her - I tried to explain to my daughter that her friend was taking advantage of us - that she has to go home sometimes . . .but I felt badly, so I wrote this girl an e-mail and tried to explain without going into it that I needed some time with my daughter and that she's always here. For awhile, things were ok . . .but then last summer, it started again - she spent 3-4 nights in a row over our house, helped herself to our refrigerator even when my daughter told her that she had already eaten dinner - and when my daughter went overseas, I thought she would give us our privacy, but she stayed over that night, so I never got to say good-bye to my daughter alone.
My daughter came home from college yesterday and as expected, this girl was over. I didn't even see her - I usually try to just leave the room, so it won't bother me, but then I heard a dish break (it was my daughter's doing) and this girl started her horrible loud laugh, and I lost it - I sent my daughter a text on her phone - without using a name I said "don't encourage her to snack" (because I didn't want to pick up after her) and "can you shut the door, she's sooooo loud". Wouldn't you know, she was ON MY DAUGHTER'S PHONE and saw the text. I felt really bad - not for writing it, but because I didn't want to see it - I was just trying to vent . . .
So, my daughter's first night back from college and I made her cry - the girl ended up leaving, but she had another friend's to go out with that night - I had a talk with my daughter and apologized, but I tried to explain that I did it out of frustration. That this girl has just gone overboard and worn out her welcome . . .but that I did want her to stay friends with her, but I just don't enjoy her taking advantage of us all the time. Well, I think I patched things up with my daughter, but I still feel horrible about her friend - I didn't mean to hurt her, but things need to be resolved.
My husband does agree with me, but says I should just let things go and deal with it - I really try to, but I can't - I really resent her, and every time she walks through the door now, I cringe. I don't feel this way about their other friends, but they come and go . . .
Is there anyone else that can relate? Am I wrong for wanting this girl to have some recognition that maybe she spends too much time at our house? She's 19 years old and should have some idea about what to do and not do at someone's house. Maybe it's partly my daughter's fault for inviting her over here sometimes.
I haven't even listed everything she's done - I really could write a book - but the thing is, she's not a bad kid - and I'm glad that she and my daughter are friend's . . .
Any advice would greatly be appreciated!!!
Thanks,
Signed,
Incredibly frustrated . . .

Pages
My parents never minded us bringing friends over the house, but my brother would have friends who would practically move in. Actually when I was away at school, I think one of his friends did move in for a while. My mother made the friends do chores around the house. There was a vacant lot next door that my parents finally bought to build a garage on, but it was full of trees and weeds. So my DB and his friend ended up chopping down a lot of trees.
I think this girl is clueless and has to be told outright that she has to clean up after herself. She obviously thinks of herself as part of the family, so she should act like a family member and not expect you to wait on her. I think that behavior is kind of funny cause i know that my kids aren't the neatest at home but other friend's parents will tell me how kind and helpful they are. Usually kid are more well behaved and conscious of cleaning up at other people's houses than they are at home. Maybe this girl has your lack of rules confused with thinking that you don't care what she does.
My DS (now 11) also had a little girl he played w/ who used to live across the street. She would come over and ask directly for snacks, food, etc. I felt that was kind of strange since she could easily just go home, but I also felt bad for her. I was told by another neighbor that her mother forgot to pick her up from school one day, so maybe they didn't have enough food at home. But I had no problem w/ telling my kids to tell their friends that it was time for them to go home, that we had to eat dinner or whatever. I also wouldn't expect that my kids would be able to invite their friends to sleep over w/o asking me first.
Yeah, it's kind of hard to tell someone to go home when they are 19 years old, but this has been going on before she even had her license. She's always been kind of annoying, but more and more over the last few years. She thinks everything is so lax and we're so open with our money, house and vacations . . .
It's funny that you mentioned chores because my kids have none - yeah, I know that's horrible, but I get tired of yelling at them - it's just easier to do it by myself. My son is all grown up now and so helpful, so I know they will all be better about that lately, but the girls - ugh, they are slobs . . .I guess their friends think they can SH*T on me too - that's where they are wrong though - I'll do it for my kids, but NOT for anyone else.
I'm sure she's told all the other kids and parents how awful I am, but I just don't care anymore - I'm not friend's with any of those people anyway . . .and they can think whatever they want because they just don't understand - and if I explained it to them, they still wouldn't understand.
I love when my kids have their friends over - well, all of them except this one girl - she wore out her welcome a long long time ago. It's my house, my food, and my energy - if I never saw her again, I'd be one happy person!
You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and
I feel as though they are already set in their ways. Last summer, I told my older daughter that I wouldn't pick up after her - that I would do her laundry, but if she wanted her room vacuumed and dusted, she would have to take care of the clutter. Well, it didn't get done - and I waited a good month and then I couldn't stand it any longer - I had to go in there and clean.
What I do when she comes home for a visit though is just leave her room alone - and then when she leaves and all her stuff is gone, I go in there and dust and clean.
My son used to be the BIGGEST slob and is full grown now - he is such a big help for me now when he visits - so there is help for all of them. :)
You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and
My name is Mom not Maid. You may not like my response but here goes:
One lesson I have learned in life is that those people in our lives,(whether co-worker, family or friend), will continue to treat us in the same manner we allow. It appears you have established no boundaries, either with expectations from DD or her friends.
I have BTDT with both children, 16yo DD(at home) & 23yo DS(at college). DD has a best-friend who is over here 2 to 3 nights per week, she must ask permission for anyone to visit, even best-friend. Since she has been my DD's twin for the last 2 years she follows the same rules as DD. If you make the mess here, you clean it up. We all have enough responsibilities without taking on additional duties.
23yo DS rarely shows up at our home without his fiance in tow. This woman will be the mother of my grandchildren so I do tread a bit lightly in this area. Unfortunately, she is not domestically inclined, even to clean up after herself. She is in college as well but comes from a financially privileged background and has a maid. Several months ago I gave DS a choice he could find a way to get the point across that this is not the Marriott with maid service or I would. Apparently he found a way now they both clean up after themselves.
I feel for your position, hindsight is always 20/20. Take a moment and examine your contribution to the situation, you can only change yourself or your reaction. When the time rolls around for your reaction be prepared to stand your ground. Make your expectations and boundaries clear from the start from here on out.
Happy Parenting!
Pages