l8 yr old dd drugs or something else

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
l8 yr old dd drugs or something else
4
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 11:33am

My dd is spiraling out of control like an unguided missle. She comes home sooo beligerent. You can't have a conversation with her re; school, when she is going out, time wise, while using MY car. Nothing. She spends most weeknights out doing nothing, randoming calling every friend she can, hoping to find someone doing nothing. Most are working or home. God forbid she spends just one night home. She is chasing her bf around up at his campus every chance she gets, she is sr, in hi school and seeing him at his work.

Problem is I really truly believe this behavior is drug induced or she is manic. She came home early sr. priv. she says can u stop f;n annyonying me and used my lst name cuz she knows it makes me mad. Called me sooo f'n lazy cuz I would not fill out the college housing depo. paper I told her, I am writing the check you write the info. out. It was all her info anyway. She says I need space, and that I am soo annoying. She is never home just out chasing bf to wherever he is and comes home sooo beligerent. Not staggerin but glassy eyed crabby makes fun of me just crazy. Tired and very witchy are the major symptoms...Her and dad get along fine, cuz dad doesn't bother w. her much except to say yes to her over what she can do, cuz he knows she is beligerent and irritable and he would get into w. her too. Right now he enjoys saying oh well she hates you, just don't talk to her. WHAT????

What drug would tick her off sooo much I thought drugs were "fun". Is my talking to her wreckin her high? Any suggestions where to go. WTH I can do. Oh and btw dh got mad when I said drugs and in major denial. Anything at all would be appreciated. She is very spoiled by dad, and she uses one against the other to get whatever she wants whenever she wants.

Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2006
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 5:07pm
Have you considered talking to her about your fears? I would attack this problem with a two-pronged approach: one, I would establish clear standards for what is acceptable vs. what is unacceptable re: her interactions with you. It may be that using the "F" word is not tolerable (my recommendation), which would mean if she goes TOO far in her exchanges with you and uses that language (or whatever you determine is too far), then the conversation is over. End it. And make it clear that when she pisses you off, you are a lot less likely to help her out with ANYTHING (filling out the paperwork? How about paying the bill????? I'd be less willing to even do THAT if my daughter was so flagrantly disrespectful!). Second, I would tell her your worries. I would tell her you suspect she's using, and you are scared. If she knows you are suspicious, it might signal a concern that could be important right now. And I would be vigilent. If you are suspicious, you - as a mom - have a right to investigate. Tell her that. Put her on notice, but from a place of love and concern.
My mother always said that it is when our children are LEAST loveable that they most need our love. I would not disengage. I would be steadfast in my commitment to her, but I would also tell her that she appears out of control, and as her mom, you need to do what you can to keep her safe.
Keep us posted. It sounds like you are really struggling, and understandably. This is a rough patch indeed. It will pass.
Kath
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 5:56am

Thanks Kath....I think totally disengaging is NOT the answer either. I have told her to watch her language I am not prying into her personal life I am her mom and asking her the most begnign questions and she can't participate in a reg. conversation re; sharing the car she wants to use...

She says she can't wait to move out, and I did the check and paper work for her housing deposit for college. She was supposed to mail it on the way to school yesterday, she said she had, well she LIED to me. I went into the car and there it was on the seat. Guess she doesn't wanna move out that bad. I have told her my fears etc, and of course she denies it, I don't expect her to admit it. It is sooo frustrating. I really think something is putting her into this beligerence that she can't even carry on a conversation..with me but has no problems with friends.

DH says totally disengage she does NOT want to talk to us we won't talk to her, sounds so childish to me, like instead of teaching her how to have a conversation and act respectful ignore her and not talk to her at all. I don't know what DH expects to get doing that. I think its giving her yet more control. URGH.

Thanks and trying to hang in there.

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 7:52am

It's interesting that even when we think they are reaching the stage where they will be grown up, they aren't. I've been lucky with DS (19) that in spite of all his troubles, he has rarely sworn or yelled at me. He has not communicated, he has ignored me, he has lied to me but then there are times where I just want to hug him cause he is so sweet. DS was in rehab at 17 for drugs/alcohol and charged with thief. However, while he has turned his life around I still notice his personal behaviour goes downhill when he is upset or confused about something. He called it quits with g/f 2 wks ago and he is staying out at a friends overnight, leaving the house w/o saying where he is going and gets angry when I try to talk to him about this. He is moody and withdrawning from his Dad & I. A few yrs ago, I would have said drugs but then my older kids/counselors explained that he was high when his behaviour was good & the poor behaviour was when he crashed. He crashed a lot. Today, I know he is upset about g/f and still trying to find a way to deal with it. Being rude & grumpy is an improvement. 18 mths ago, he smashed up my car when he was dealing with a similar situation.

I did learn a couple of things that may help you. 1. Don't give up on her, she needs you more than ever right now. Life may not be going the way she wants it & she is hitting back at you because she knows you love her. After 2 1/2 yrs of h***, DS thanked me for never giving up on him & always loving him. He had made my life so miserable but gave DH very little problem. Like your DH, mine just ignored him. 2. Find a safe place for the 2 of you to go on a regular basis and tell her your feelings. Always use I feel... rather than accusing her. For DS & I, it was out to dinner. Even though he hated me, he had to eat & going out was something he enjoyed. 3. Stop enabling her. I know you want her to go to college but getting her there isn't your job. I kept buying things for DS and doing things for him in spite of his behaviour until a counselor told me that I should only be giving him the basic needs like food & shelter. Finally, she shouldn't be driving your car if you think she is using. You need to take this priviledge away before she hurts herself or someone else.

I'm sending you lots of hugs because you need them. Hold onto those happy memories of her childhood during these tough days. You should be able to get her back again when she matures a little. I would also check out her b/f and why she is chasing him everywhere.

Dee

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 1:41pm

If your mother's instincts have been correct in the past about what was going on with your dd, then trust them again now. If you think that she is using drugs or that something "is not right" then you are probably correct. Drugs and alcohol are not necessarily for "fun", they are often used to self-medicate.

I agree with Dee that if you suspect she is drinking or using drugs that she should not be driving the car. Even though she is 18 if you own the vehicle you can be held liable for her damages. You could use the car as leverage to insist on random drug tests. I would do the first one without any warning. You can buy test kits at drugstores but I don't know much about them. The Troubled Teens message board might have a link to a site with info about drug testing or you could Google it. Taking away the car would also show her that you are serious in dealing with her and how much you care. Even though, and maybe because your dd is being hateful to you right now she needs to know that you love her and are there for her. Make it clear to her that her mental and physical health are important to you and that you insist on protecting her from herself while she is still your dependent.

Another thing to consider is her "readiness" for college. If I was supposed to pay for a kid that was acting like that towards me, I would be having some serious second thoughts. While I realize that kids do grow up while away at college (and some parents view that as an acceptable reason to send their kid off to college) you certainly have the right to decide if paying for college for her right now is a good use of your money. If you are not convinced that she will use the opportunity well then you don't *have to* pay for it. You might want to carefully check out the policies of her college--even students that are failing often get several chances to improve before the school drops them so a student can get in a lot of partying before they get sent home--with no refunds to the parents. If you are truly prepared to withhold the college money then you could use that as leverage also; if she really wants to go to college/get away from home at her parents' expense then she needs to rein in her behavior for the next 6 months.

You mentioned that she was acting manic...bipolar disorder is a possibility...if that is the case then her behavior is beyond her control. But since she is 18 she will need to seek treatment on her own, you cannot force her into it and her doctor cannot discuss her case with you without her authorization. And she would need to be willing to be honest with a doctor so until she believes that she needs help there is not much that you can do about that besides pray.

The differences in opinion with your dh in handling her, and the things that he says (like that you hate her), the undermining of your authority--I know that it must be very difficult to try to deal with your dd with that going on. I've said it before, I'll say it again: I think that you need some professional third-party intervention. Dear Abby always says that if you cannot get the other person to attend counseling with you, then just go by yourself--maybe you can get some suggestions of how to proceed. Some of these problems sound like they need more help than advice from a message board.

Sorry if I sound harsh, I am not trying to be mean. It just sounds like these problems with your dd are getting worse each time you post and the current methods of dealing with it are not helping, and your dd's behavior does sound beyond the normal teen difficulties. Best of luck in this.