Last minute-NEED advice urgently PLEASE
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| Sat, 07-28-2007 - 7:39pm |
Dd15 has been invited down the shore with a 15yo girlfriend from school. We think we trust this family; their dh has driven the two girls to school most of the year with NO problems.
Well their vacay is in a week and I told dh I wanted to invite them over to talk about the trip beforehand. They're coming tomorrow. I know what I want to know but don't know if I should ask these questions, or how to ask.
I'm concerned about guns, alcohol and drugs. And money. And safety. I want to know that the kids will always be able to reach the parents if there's a problem.
We are a no-gun family and as far as I know, all of our kids' friends' families are no-gun families too. We are also not big drinkers. We use wine for blessings on the holidays, and once in a while we will serve a glass of wine with a special meal, but we don't drink recreationally like many people do. I also wonder what kind of supervision the kids will have.
I've been vacationing in that same town all my life (I'm 47, if ya must know ::snicker::) both as a child and with my own family as a parent. As parents, we've vacationed with our best friends for years, whose kids are all around the same ages. Usually, we let them go off in pairs or more, on their own. Once in a while we stay further away from the center of town, and then we don't always let them go on their own, dropping them off closer to where they want to go, and picking them up. Also, on our own family vacay, the parents set the main activity of the day, and then whoever wants to, joins us, and if more than one person wants to do something other than staying home, then they can go do an alternate activity. We always know the what/where/who of what the kids are doing while we are there. It's not a high-crime town by any stretch, but at least once every few years there is either a murder or other violent crime. At least now, cell phones make that a bit easier. I also want to know that the rules of the town are followed, such as no fireworks, playing on the beach at midnight, underage drinking, drugs, that kind of stuff (it's a big party town, and many people think it's fun/okay/cool to see what and how much they can get away with).
One more Q--it seems like they are more extravagant than we are on vacations. The friend has already told dd that they have watepark passes and mini-golf passes, and amusement ride wristbands. And they are going to be having dinner in one of the most popular restaurants -- one I've never eaten at, ever. So do I ask the parents how much money dd needs to bring? Do I offer to take their dd with us when we go there over Labor Day weekend? Would we have to provide all the same activities for their dd in return?
I want to be tactful with the parents but I don't want to come across as overprotective or insecure about my own dd, and I want to feel comfortable with her going with the family.
TIA; sorry this got so long.
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In peace,
Max

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I'm going to start at the beginning...
First off, I hope your DD has a great time!! These kinds of trips can make lifetime memories for the kids.
OK, I'm not sure what gun/no gun family has to do with the vacation.
First of all, if I didn't feel that your Gun statement and the worry about drinking wasn't over the top I would understand some resonable questions for a trip with another family but....because of that I feel you should hear it from the other side.
We took a child on a ski trip with us the yr that my son was a freshman, and the parents came with us with all of those kinds of questions. The one that upset me the most was the how much do you drink. If you don't know these people well enough....don't send your dd. We do drink with dinner and sometimes on a beach vacation if we aren't going out for dinner we will have a frozen drink on the beach in the afternoon. On our ski trip we took this child and we felt like we had to "watch" what we were doing. I hated it :( This yr we took our sons BF to the beach. We know the parents well, and they know us. No questions before the trip we all had a great time....he is just one of the family!!! Again, if you don't know the family well enough to trust them.....don't send her, its not fair to them. If your not comfortable that is understandable, but don't put that on the other people. Just my opinion.
Julie
Rose, thank you for answering so quickly. And for being so level-headed in my last-minute panic. I suppose the reason I panicked has more to do with another incident with a different friend who we all thought was going to be dd's bff (they met when dd was in 2nd grade & the new girl was the new girl on the bus in 3rd grade); a year can make a big difference sometimes in adolescence, and we have reason to suspect the (former?) bff is involved with kids who are into drinking/smoking etc. And dd was there at one point when they almost did go "party"; I don't want them to grow up that fast!
I don't know what I was thinking about guns, though. You're right, they're not going anywhere where guns would even be an option! D'uh on my part.
I know she'll have a great time. 1, she's constantly chomping at the bit so being away from the house is something she needs right now and 2, she's at the beach -- how bad a time could she have? As I tell my kids when something goes wrong on vacation -- where would you rather be while this (rain, cold, whatever) is going on? Here on vacation, or at home? I always get the same answer ;D.
I'm not worried about the actual trip. Dd has gone to Israel for two weeks in 8th grade with the whole grade and staff, and only 2 non-staff parents were along -- 1 was for a child with special needs and 1 was the religious guide so even that was in a quasi-staff capacity. She also goes to overnight camp every summer for almost a month. So I guess I just need to calm down a little here!
You are right about how to approach the whole thing. I don't know if we would become friends with the parents, but it would be nice if dd has made a new friend who turns out to be a bff. Especially now that her first bff might want to end their friendship. That's a whole other story ::SIGH::.
I don't want to imply that they might get falling-down-drunk every night, though. In fact if my body hadn't betrayed me starting when I was pregnant with dd#1 (23 years ago), I still would love a icy-cold beer on the beach or a frozen pina colada by the pool! But alcohol now just makes me sleepy LOL. And I'm the only driver in our family so I have rarely been able to enjoy a drink with dinner at a restaurant. I think a drink a day would have been a choice on a vacation.
In peace,
Max
Julie,
I might be reading you wrong, but the message I get from your post is, if you decide to let DD go on the trip with this family, you can't impose your own values on them.
Thanks, Julie, for the fast reply! After reading the previous response, I think I'm going to drop the gun issue! I feel stupid for even thinking about that.
I guess part of my panic is because these are not family friends, nor a longtime friend of dd's. I never even met the parents, just the dd. Dh has waved to them when they pick up our dd for school; he walked dd out to the car every so often to try to get the Dad to accept gas money thinking that he might not have taken our dd's offer but might from the parent. So the two Dads have met briefly.
Dd's first bff HAS BEEN part of our family. Even though she comes from a more financially comfortable family, she has come to realize that when she's with us, she doesn't get to have everything she thinks she wants, and can still have a good time. I hope my dd has come to feel part of her family.
I hope this new girl becomes a good friend to dd. I suppose we will see if the parents want to add us to their friend list after the summer when we're all back home post-vacays.
Is there a way to ask my questions about their entertainment plans without making them feel that they have to watch what they do? I just feel like I lack these kinds of social skills. Thanks for your help!
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In peace,
Max
In peace,
Max
I'm sorry if I sounded harsh in my first post. I guess it was because I felt so put out by this family that really asked us some questions that I felt were innapropriate, but we felt stuck to still take their son when I guess we answered all of their questions to their satisfaction. It really put a damper on our vacation.
But to be honest, if I didn't know someones parents well enough to know if they would be going out to dinner on vacation and drinking and driving....I wouldn't send them. Do you see my point?! I wouldn't want my child to be with someone whom I didn't trust, even if it is because I don't know them, but I would'nt feel it was my place to ask them personal questions about their choices either.
I am afraid you are in a bit of a delemma in that you really don't know much about these people. That would be a hard call for me.
I think that what rose told you would be good questions. I never meant that you couldn't ask any questions, but as rose re-stated what she thought I was trying to say....was true. You can't impose your values on another family.
General questons like she suggested. I wouldn't even mind knowing what rules they planed on placeing on the girls. Will they be able to be alone, the cell phone etc.
Sorry again if I sounded harsh....I think it hit a hot button with me. The family that did this to us actually knew us pretty well...it really seemed that they were trying to get us not to do things that they didn't like....like drinking a beer or glass of wine in front of their child :)
Good Luck,
Julie
"Is there a way to ask my questions about their entertainment plans without making them feel that they have to watch what they do? I just feel like I lack these kinds of social skills."
I find it difficult sometimes to ask questions when my kids have a new friend and I don't really know the parents well too. But you know I just suck it up and do it. Kelsie used to get mad at me when I would call a parent to be sure there would be adult supervision at a party. She thought that it would sound like I didn't think what they were going to do would be acceptable. I never once had a parent be upset with me, usually they would thank me for calling, for one they knew from that point that I certainly wasn't going to have a non supervised party at my home.
I think if you just ask what type of entertainment they have planned and what she needs to bring for clothes etc. you will be fine. Tell them that your vacations are very casual and you don't know what other families do. I'm sure they will be fine with it. You never know, they may offer some of the info you are wondering about without even asking.
I'm sure your dd will have a great time, she knows your rules and as Rose said they have to learn to make their own decisions.
Don't you just hate this growing up thing sometimes, I know I do! LOL
Kristie
That's why I came here for advice. In the past, the kids have only been invited to spend this kind of experience with have been friends of theirs for a long time, or friends of ours for a long time.
I also don't see a problem with adults having a drink in front of the kids, just that whatever attitude the parents have is demonstrated to the kids. For example, our friends who we vacay with who we've known since our own adolesence, we buy a case of beer at the beginning of the vacay, and it lasts us 4 parents the whole week. Sometimes we'll take some to the beach, sometimes with dinner, sometimes after dinner. Now that my older kids are 20 and 21, and their older one is 20, we'd never think of offering them one. It's for the parents, and no more than 2 or 3 at one time. (Well, if my 21yo lived at home and did still go on vacay with us, and asked for one, I'd ask her if she was sure she wanted one and if she did, I wouldn't say no, because she is 21.) However, my own sister (we are identical twins, she has no kids of her own, there is her sdd from BILs first marriage) drinks wine coolers; when we've been there for barbecues and picnics, she thinks nothing of offering my kids a taste if they admire the bottle or flavor. IMHO, that's inappropriate. I found out sis was doing this when my youngest was 9 and I told her that this is inappropriate and my kids can taste wine coolers when they are 21. A 2-oz. glass of wine on a religious holy day is part of the service, not enough to get drunk on anyway. And lately, we've started using mostly grape juice anyway, because most of our guests don't want the alcohol as well.
All that said, I don't expect to impose my values on another family, just hope that they will respect them and hopefully dd will stick with the values we've tried to teach her and they won't make her feel less for doing so. Does that make sense? I don't want them to feel they have to monitor their OWN behavior. I don't WANT to ask personal questions!
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Max
In peace,
Max
>>Don't you just hate this growing up thing sometimes, I know I do! LOL<< OMG YES! I think it's often harder on us than on the kids, although I'm sure they will disagree!
>>I'm sure your dd will have a great time, she knows your rules and as Rose said they have to learn to make their own decisions.<< She does know our rules, she even relates incidents to us when she knows there were touchy situations! Having also a 21yo and a 20yo, you'd think this would have come up at least once, but it never has. The families that have invited my older kids in the past have all been from a closer-knit group either by the parents, or by the kids from our synagogue who've all grown up together and we know the families better even if the parents aren't exactly "friends" -- kwim?
Thanks, Kristie, for another level-headed reply! Now, where's the message board for parents of 20yo and 21yo kids LOL?
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Max
In peace,
Max
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