Last minute-NEED advice urgently PLEASE

Avatar for mom3girls2000
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2000
Last minute-NEED advice urgently PLEASE
17
Sat, 07-28-2007 - 7:39pm

Dd15 has been invited down the shore with a 15yo girlfriend from school. We think we trust this family; their dh has driven the two girls to school most of the year with NO problems.

Well their vacay is in a week and I told dh I wanted to invite them over to talk about the trip beforehand. They're coming tomorrow. I know what I want to know but don't know if I should ask these questions, or how to ask.

I'm concerned about guns, alcohol and drugs. And money. And safety. I want to know that the kids will always be able to reach the parents if there's a problem.

We are a no-gun family and as far as I know, all of our kids' friends' families are no-gun families too. We are also not big drinkers. We use wine for blessings on the holidays, and once in a while we will serve a glass of wine with a special meal, but we don't drink recreationally like many people do. I also wonder what kind of supervision the kids will have.

I've been vacationing in that same town all my life (I'm 47, if ya must know ::snicker::) both as a child and with my own family as a parent. As parents, we've vacationed with our best friends for years, whose kids are all around the same ages. Usually, we let them go off in pairs or more, on their own. Once in a while we stay further away from the center of town, and then we don't always let them go on their own, dropping them off closer to where they want to go, and picking them up. Also, on our own family vacay, the parents set the main activity of the day, and then whoever wants to, joins us, and if more than one person wants to do something other than staying home, then they can go do an alternate activity. We always know the what/where/who of what the kids are doing while we are there. It's not a high-crime town by any stretch, but at least once every few years there is either a murder or other violent crime. At least now, cell phones make that a bit easier. I also want to know that the rules of the town are followed, such as no fireworks, playing on the beach at midnight, underage drinking, drugs, that kind of stuff (it's a big party town, and many people think it's fun/okay/cool to see what and how much they can get away with).

One more Q--it seems like they are more extravagant than we are on vacations. The friend has already told dd that they have watepark passes and mini-golf passes, and amusement ride wristbands. And they are going to be having dinner in one of the most popular restaurants -- one I've never eaten at, ever. So do I ask the parents how much money dd needs to bring? Do I offer to take their dd with us when we go there over Labor Day weekend? Would we have to provide all the same activities for their dd in return?

I want to be tactful with the parents but I don't want to come across as overprotective or insecure about my own dd, and I want to feel comfortable with her going with the family.

TIA; sorry this got so long.
---
In peace,
Max

In peace,
Max       

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Avatar for mom3girls2000
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2000
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 12:56pm

Thanks, Dary, you gave me lots of good suggestions. I hope I can remember all this when they're here. ::Gulp::, they're supposed to be here in about an hour.

I didn't know what to offer other than coffee, so I sent dh to the store for a cake, and dd made her specialty, devilled eggs. Then we cut up some cheese and put that on a plate with crackers, and cut up some strudel from Thursday. Fresh cold iced tea for me and anyone else who wants a cold drink rather than hot coffee ---

I'll post back later after they leave LOL.
---
Thanks again,
Max

In peace,
Max       

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 4:11pm
Hi--I'm sure you'll do fine. You are making such an effort to be gracious to them, I;m sure they will see you are a nice person. I always try to keep in mind that the other mom doesn't want anything to happen to their child either. So, I hope you can relax now. I know how you feel. Although I never thought of the guns or drinking even. I don't drink or have a gun. I don't think most people have a gun--or let a kid near it if they do. I tell my kids just stay away, far away if you ever see one in a house. As, for the drinking, as long as they don't drink and drive or really get sloshed , you are ok. Can you text your daughter's cell phone. I find that better than calling It's less obtrusive--as the phone doesn't ring and they can quietly text you back. I just had my 14 year old text me and tell me the exact location they were sitting in the theatre. All the others with her are younger than her. So I texted her back saying I know you'll all be fine with you in charge. We are afraid of the outside world harming our kids. But I think it's key we let them know we trust them. Also, don't worry about about tit for tat payback. It all evens out. Also, he drove your kids to school. That's a biggie. Safety on the highway is something you can feel reassured about--and that's one of the biggest risks of all. Let me know how it goes and feel proud! Dary
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 12:10pm

Dear Bunnie:

I think people who live in urban and rural areas have very diff. thoughts about guns. I can see that people who are from rural areas, like your family, have grown up w/ guns, hunt and know how to use them resonsibly. Where I live in the suburbs, I wouldn't expect that most people own guns, unless they are in the police or military, or unless they practice target shooting. My ex owned a gun once for target shooting, but he didn't do it for very long, but since he had been in the Army, I wasn't nervous about it. You always hear these sad stories about irrespoible parents who don't lock up their guns and some kid finds it and accidentally shoots his friend. But in the city, it's all kids who have guns and they are using it to shoot each other. But it's not something I would think of asking someone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 12:21pm

When my kids were little, I really did know most of the parents, because they were in the smaller elem. school which is only about 1/2 mile from our house, and just because you tend to see them at the bus stop and also because the parents have to drive. My DD just graduated from h.s. and there were over 400 kids in her class. She has many close friends who didn't come from our neighborhood and I have never met the parents. So just because this girl might become your DD's bff, doesn't mean you are going to become the parents' friends, although I hope you will all get along. There is only one family I have become friends with through my DD, because they used to live 2 houses away, then they got divorced, but then as a coincidence, the mother married the son of the people who live across the street from me, so now I see them bringing the kids to the grandparents' house.

Another thing about alcohol, I really wouldn't offer a 9 yr old a taste of alcohol, but I wouldn't make it such a big deal that if you had a 20 yr old kid, they couldn't even taste a sip of beer at home. I know people have diff. opinions on this, but sometimes the "forbidden pleasure" makes it so much more appealing. When my DD was 16 or 17, I told her if you want to have a drink in the house, I'll let you (but I wouldn't supply it to any friends). We hardly ever drink at home, though I might have a drink if I go out to dinner. It's just not that exciting to me. I wouldn't want to be w/ people who think a good time is to drink so much they get wasted, but I wouldn't want to be dictating how other people enjoy themselves on their vacation. My concern would be that they don't drink & drive (but I don't think most parents would be endangering their own kids) and I wouldn't want them giving my kids alcohol w/o my permission.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 10:01pm

You make a very good point about the guns musiclover.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 2:51pm

I am sorry to hear about that terrible accident. I just hate to hear about anything happening to a child.

Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 7:41pm

Jumping in late in the day - hope your visit with your DD's friend's parents went well.

I have to say that I am with you on the drinking thing. We are not drinkers - and I would definitely want to at least have an alchohol-related discussion with anyone taking my DD overnight. Sorry if that puts a damper in someone's vacation. Tough. I am not an anti-drinking person, but I don't understand people who are unable to have fun unless they're drinking. IMHO, a family vacation, when you're responsible for your own children and the child (or children) of other people, is not a good time to be drinking.

Also, I'd be more worried that people who drink every day create an atmosphere in which teens think it's OK for them to drink, and where they have alcohol available to them. This is certainly true of my DD's friends - it's already come up where she knows which friends I'd rather have *here* and which I'm comfortable with her at their houses.

Sue

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