Learning Lessons the HARD way. I snooped

Avatar for jupiterfit
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Registered: 05-12-2003
Learning Lessons the HARD way. I snooped
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Sun, 04-30-2006 - 9:14am
Well, my DD (16) has officially called it quits with the BF that we have been agonizing over for the past year after much back and forth waffling. Her cell phone was on the table and I looked through the messages... I know... I feel terrible about snooping. However, I found out the exBF was such a big cheaterpants and now I am worried for DD. He admitted to sleeping around during their relationship. Now, how do I bring up the fact that I am very concerned for DD; what if she has an STD? How do I get her to go get checked without revealing my reason for concern? She has been on the pill, so I don't think they used condoms. I am so happy she finally saw the ex for what he truly is... it takes so much restraint on my part to not give him a piece of my mind! I am not saying anything to DD either. Oh but it is so hard. Teens seem to think bad things won't happen to them, so I don't know if she will go to Planned Parenthood on her own and get checked. I am very concerned.
Debbie

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Avatar for momtb4
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 04-30-2006 - 3:57pm
Every woman needs to be checked regularly, use that to get her there. It's as simple as that. If it's been a year, then tell her it's yearly thing (which it is) and if it's been less than that, you can add a lie to your recent list of "bad mommy" things (I keep a list, too! LOL) and tell her it's every 6 months. They check teens for everything. Then you'll know for sure.
Avatar for jupiterfit
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Registered: 05-12-2003
Sun, 04-30-2006 - 4:28pm
But when I make the appt. do I have to specifically ASK for STD tests? Or will they test for STDs automatically including HIV?
Debbie
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Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 9:47am

DD and I have reached the point that I can and will say whatever is on my mind. She may not like it but she appreciates my not sneaking or lying. (Still do sometimes simply b/c I'm too tired to argue with her). But I would probably be open and honest with. I would tell her that I have heard that she and b/f have broken up and ask if it's true. Offer to listen to her. She probably won't talk much but she'll know you cared enough to offer.

On the STD's thing, I would either go with the routine exam suggestion or I would probably tell her that I wanted to talk to her and be straight with her. Ask her to please just listen to you - you know the b/f cheated and you concered about STD's and you are calling and making her a doctor's appt. I would also tell her that I understand she may not be comfortable discussing this with me and if she isn't comfortable responding that she can e-mail you. However, you love her very much and you seriously doubt that she can say anything to change to your mind.

If I went with the routine exam, I would make sure that I spoke with either the doctor or nurse in private prior to the exam and express my concerns. I've gone with DD for her exams and taken a bathroom break and caught the nurse/doctor. I've also called shortly before the appt and spoke with the nurse.

Good Luck and hope all backs clear.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 11:13am

Good advice.

However,depending where you live, you might run into privacy issues. Here, the doctor is not suppose to discuss a patient with anyone else. And, at 18, the girl is no longer considered a minor.

Before the appointment, the mom could call the doctor and tell him/her that she is concerned about her daughter's health (re. potential exposure to SIDs). The young woman might not be as forthcoming as she should and the doctor needs to know that.

I would also take the young woman aside and gently discuss,woman-to-woman, the possibilty that she might have a SID. Tell her it is nothing to be ashamed about. It is only a disease but it needs to be checked out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 5:26pm
Yes, you have to specifically ask for STD tests. Also, if you ask to be tested for STDs, HIV is generally NOT included. She'll have to specifically ask for a general STD scan, and also an HIV test.

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Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 5:40pm
Thank you wolverine for that information. And to you other moms for suggestions on what to say. I plan to talk to her about it tonight. Now that I think back I remember she DID mention to me one day that she found out he had cheated on her. At that point I didn't know to what extent. But at least I have something to use for a reason to get her in for an exam. Please pray for us again... sorry to ask for so much, but she still continues to call this jerk all the time. I can hardly control myself from grabbing the phone and telling him off! I don't really know what they talk about, but I did overhear a calm and lighthearted voice when she was talking to him. In the middle of the night on Saturday, when she was at the prom, he texted her and called her some terrible names (which I saw when I snooped). HOW can she be nice to him??? I just don't know. I didn't have any gray hair until going through all this with DD. Now I have several.
Deb
Debbie
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Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 8:28pm

You're right, at 18 the doctor isn't going to tell mom anything about DD's exam, that would constitute a HIPPA violation and could potentially cost him his license to practice medicine.

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 7:39am
DD is 16. I did talk to her about my concerns and said she could choose to have an exam at Planned Parenthood or the family doctor. She said she didn't know. I could tell she was really uncomfortable and we chatted for a bit about the BF being older and I thought he took advantage of her. I told her STDs are not to be taken lightly and asked her if she had any symptoms (I got pretty specific). She said no. I also told her how I really felt about the old BF; that I am really angry with him and that I hope he doesn't continue to string her along (which he did with his former girlfriends. The guy plays some real mindgames). She didn't really react in any way but she was listening. After our talk I said I didn't hear what her decision was, the family doctor or PP. She still didn't know. I said I would make an appt. with the family doctor then and that every woman should have a yearly exam; I told her mine was scheduled for June. This DD reminds me of a puppy. Although she is the oldest of our three, she never has wanted to ACT like the oldest. She is not a confident decision-maker. My next step is to talk to her about counseling again. I tried to, but she said she didn't want to go. She has really had a lot to deal with regarding this BF, and I think she should talk to someone about it and learn how to move on. Although she has a new BF, the old one continues to call at bedtime to say good-night (like old times). I do feel she still needs us; she is still a little girl inside with big issues to deal with.
Deb
Debbie
Avatar for audreyoka
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 9:48am

Deb,

I truly empathize with you. These discussions are tough to have with our kids. And as mom we hurt so badly when your children are hurt.

My 23 year old has two male friends. It's almost "funny". They both dislike the other and always tell my daughter that the other does not treat her right. The reality is both of them continue to hurt her by their words and their actions. All I can do is listen and offer my thoughts while trying very hard not to be judgemental of the two boys. Being mom is tough, even when they are older.

I know here in CA, in order to check for STD's and HIV through a private practice doctor consent must be given as there are fee's for the testing.

Audrey :)
http://www.scrapping-made-simple.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 9:50am
Yea, that's what I was getting at. Mom can add information the doctor should know about.
I just wasn't sure the age in the States.

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