Leaving 18 yr old home alone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Leaving 18 yr old home alone?
13
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 1:50pm

My DH & I are going on vacation (w/o kids) for 3 nights. I usually have no trouble getting my ex to take my kids, and I always have my mother for backup. I was not seriously considering leaving my 18 yo DD home alone, but I am anticipating if she asks. Her father only lives about 20 mins. away and as of now, she's not working, so as far as I'm concerned, she can sleep at his house. She has a car and can go visit friends, so it's not like she's trapped there.

My first concern was that I would worry about her safety if she was home alone, and this is what I'll tell her. She likes to come home late at night and if something happened, noone would no if she didn't get home. We live in a safe neighborhood, but you never know what could happen. I don't think her dad would really want her to call & check in at midnight when he goes to work at 4:30 a.m. either.

Another reason is that I couldn't really be sure that she wouldn't allow her friends to come over when I'm not home & drink alcohol. Not that she's a big partier, but I know they drink sometimes. That's all I need, to have someone get drunk, get in an accident and sue me. I'm not going to say that to her because it will put her on the defensive, but they did rent a vacation house after the prom for the weekend and I know there was drinking going on. I have heard nightmare stories about kids only inviting a few friends over and word gets around and it turns into a wild party. Now since they all post everything on facebook, what would prevent everyone she knows from coming over. I could just see her posting a message "yeah, parents went away and left me home alone."

DH came up w/ a wierd reason, that I would never consider and I don't think is even remotely possible, that her friends could steal things from us. I mean these are generally good kids that she has known for years. I can't imagine any of her friends looking through our room for jewelry or anything they could steal. He is worried because he has a lot of medications, but he could lock those up and they aren't the kind of pills that people could get high on, like painkillers. I don't think people generally want to steal high blood pressure medication.

How old were your kids before you ever let them stay home alone? I remember one story about a local judge (who was controversial anyway). She left her 18 & 16 yo sons home alone and I think they had a party & got arrested. Maybe I'll just say, if y ou want to be home alone, get your own apartment!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 3:27pm

I think the answer of what age is ok depends a lot on the teen.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 3:29pm

Well . . . I would say it all comes down to trust. What has gone on in the past to give you an indication of what your dd would do if left alone? In my case, I am 99% comfortable with leaving my kids alone for a week-end, and they are 15 and 12.

Amelia

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 4:41pm

I would never consider leaving kids home alone overnight who are under 18. I assume that you have someone in the neighborhood they could go to if there is a problem since they aren't old enough to drive. What if there was a fire, someone got sick or there was some other emergency?

My DD is generally trustworthy and maybe if I told her not to have anyone over, she wouldn't. I don't really know. She is alone during the day time, but I have never left her alone overnight. She is going away to college, but she won't be alone, since she will be in a dorm with other people. Just the thought of a young girl coming into a house late at night alone scares me. My ex used to work the overnight shift and even though I was an adult, I wasn't too thrilled to stay alone every night, then after a while I got used to it. I do know that she & her friends drink on occasion and I wouldn't want something to happen. My DH (her stepfather) seems to look for any occasion to find fault w/ her and will make a big deal about anything. They have been getting along ok, so I don't want to open that can of worms. I don't want to spend my whole vacation worrying about what is going on back home.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 5:20pm

I think she will be fine and it would probably be a good experience-for you, I mean ;)

Surprisingly, even my challenging middle child has done okay alone-no parties that we know about and I cant imagine I wouldnt have heard or noticed SOMETHING!

Will your neighbors fill you in? Our neighbor came over when we returned from vacation and said "your son watered your flowers EVERY day-EVERY day! How do you do that?" My response "Money!" He chuckled but it also told me he would have filled us in if there was a huge party!

She still has the cell, correct? Check in often-you could even have her call as she was entering the house that first night.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 5:33pm

I've left my kids home alone since the oldest was maybe 15 or 16 without any problems.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 6:17pm

I think this has more to do with you and your anxiety than with your daughter. Both of your posts were more about what you are worried about (what if there's a fire?) or about that you yourself are afraid to be home alone. While a healthy degree of worry is good - and helps us keep our kids safe - too much can be stifling for us and our kids.

IMHO, you and your DH should think the "worst case" scenarios all the way out, and then come up with reasonable ways to address them - a neighbor to check in, father to call, etc. Then give your daughter this experience, before she's at college, and give yourselves a chance to see how she *would* solve some of the problems.

My DD16 has somewhat more freedom than many other kids her age, because we live in NYC. She travels around the city on the subway - both for school and for fun. When she started doing this, I was a WRECK! I could imagine every sort of evil happening to her!! But we called each other often, and I got calmer. She's come to see that calling me at every transition makes me calmer, and makes her life easier! Now I see her as so confident and capable - and I know she knows she can solve alot of what life throws at her.

We haven't left her alone yet - but if it came up, I'd probably WANT her to have a friend here, just for company, with some very clear rules about what's OK and not-OK.

HTH

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Sat, 07-14-2007 - 10:31am


The problem is not with the child and with the close friends but who the friends know. A few years back, my sister left her 17-year-old home alone for a weekend. She told him he could have his two best friends over on Saturday night. Unfortunately, one of his friends mentioned to other kid that my nephew's parents were away and that he was having a few friends over. The news "snow balled". Kids started showing up at the house for the "party", kids my nephew didn't even know. He lost control of who was entering the house (didn't know half of the people) and ended up having to call the police for help when his guests would not leave.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Sat, 07-14-2007 - 10:35am

Hi. I guess my only concern is remembering what I was like at that age and having my parents go out of town. To be quite honest, my parents did the same thing and I had a huge party at my house that got completely out of hand. I hate to say it but I'm very lucky that house did burn down or something. As a result of knowing my own stupidity of doing something like this, I will never leave my dd home alone overnight. I think that the temptation is just too much. Plus I would be concerned about my dd not even staying home but staying at other kids' houses and not having any supervision. I would rather have my dd stay at a friend's house and the parents being aware of the fact that we're away.

Best of luck on whatever you decide.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 10:43am
I think I might go for it, but my DH (stepfather) is an extreme worrier and since the relationship between him & DD isn't that great to begin with, I don't want to invite any more problems. I could have my neighbors across the street watch out. They are my friend's in-laws. I wouldn't have her call me when she got in as she tends to come home at midnight or 1:00 a.m. and I don't stay up & wait for her anymore. I am pretty sure she is trustworthy but as the OP said, word could get out to friends of friends and a small gathering could develop into an unexpected party. I guess that since her dad is available and only a short distance away, and her brother will be there too, why not just stay there? I guess at some point, DH will have to realize that she is old enough to be trusted being home alone. It takes him longer to figure out that the kids are growing up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 1:18pm

I have a 14 yr old son and a 17 yr old son. I am making them both come on vacation with us. My hubby and I might go away for 3 nights alone and my mom will come to stay, even though she has to use vacation time. It's been a LONG time since we've asked her to.

Frankly, I do not trust my 17 yr old son, or his friends not to use the house for parties. I'm also afraid he would have girls over doing things I don't want to know about... We considered letting them spend time at their friend's houses, but I would still have to lock them out of my house. My son and his friends dirve, so what's to stop them from coming over, even if her is technically staying with a friend.

Next year he will be 18, and guess what? I still won't trust him. It will be the first year in many that we don't travel 600 miles to Myrtle Beach because I know he won't want to go. I'll settle for the Jersey shore where I know he'll have "fun" but I can still watch him and pretend I'm in South Carolina!

P.S. It's not like he's done anything wrong, but I'm afraid I just haven't caught him. He is out A LOT and is very social. I worry constantly about who he is with and what he is doing, and whether it is legal, could there be a fight, will his car break down. It's killing me since he got the car!!

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