Let my son have it tonight...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Let my son have it tonight...
4
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 9:41pm

Many of you have seen my rants about my son. 17, bad grades, bad (not violent or vandalism) behavior, disrespect, blah blah blah. I know I ramble and probably irritate people because of it, but this is really interesting (well, at least to me).

His manipulation of his friends is unique and unbelievable. To make it short, DS 17 was dating BF 20 for a little over a year (#1). He broke it off because he "didn't want a relationship" and within a week, was dating BF 21 (#2) within a week (on whom he'd had a long-term crush). #1 did not go away - demanded as much of DS's time (phone, text, together time) as when they were dating. After 3 weeks, DS and #2 broke up, but instead of going back to #1, spent ALL his time with #2 (who he was not "dating" but "seeing"--???????). #2 left to study abroad for a semester, and THAT relationship fell apart fast..in the meantime, DS-an actor-did a show and met #3, who is TWENTY-EIGHT YEARS OLD!!!!! He was living with his 39 yo BF. Within 2 months, they split, and this is my son's new "BFF." I like the boy, but I don't trust the relationship because it's shady. There are hours of late night phone calls, texting out the you know what, and all kinds of myspace pics and messages--but they're NOT DATING (I wish I could be not dating ONE - let alone THREE). All three of these relationships are now "friendships," but all three of these men spend money on my son - who refuses to get a job (like it isn't enough work keeping these three guys juggled together). Moreover, because he's "not dating" these guys, there is no real physical affection (other than hugs)--he has found Nirvana! The guys that pay without getting any!!

Realizing that he's going to be 18 in 2 weeks and therefore, I cannot control who he dates, I've told him that while I do NOT condone the relationship or accept it, I can't stop him, and no, I won't throw him out. I will, however, be very disappointed and angry, and will consider making him leave, if he continues the sneaky behavior and I find out he's been lying all this time. I will not tolerate lying, because it means I can't trust my son in my house.

I found out he had "ommitted" some things - and confronted him today. Immediately, I heard what a bad mother I was and how I should never have had children and how sad it was that he hated me so much - and what did I have to show for being a mother (by the way, before I got divorced, I was a Donna Reed clone--well, except for the pearls). I told him I didn't want him to be unhappy, so if he truly was upset with me, I would pack his things (in a grocery bag, because he was taking no clothing that belonged to me, his brother, or any of his friends--which compiles most of his wardrobe--another incentive NOT to work) and take him to his father's. Let's see what his father (who is FAR stricter than I) would do. He told me he'd behave at his father's, because he'd already have been thrown out of one house, and without him, I'd have no life.

That is when I snapped. I don't think I've ever used that many four letter words in my son's life. I let him know exactly what I thought of adults who rambled through life blaming their parents for mistakes they were making at 50...if I was that bad a mother (and it wasn't possible to be a worse mother than he was a son), get over it - he was 18 now and it was time to fix his problems on his own. He wants so badly to be an adult, this is the way adults do it - and by the way, if he stayed in my house, he could expect to be charged rent, pay for his own groceries, do his own laundry, etc., because I wasn't supporting freeloaders. I told him I didn't give a sh** anymore, and if he were my age and acted the way he does, I wouldn't be friends with him. I didn't think people HIS age should be friends with him, but for some strange reason, they are. He started to interrupt me, and I yelled "Shut the f*** up or get the f*** out. Your choice - but I'm not listening to you anymore." Then I hung up (this all happened while I was at work).

An hour later, my phone rang. He was sobbing. He was calling on a completely different subject (which is par for my son, who will not show vulnerability by admitting his shortcomings) asking my advice. It was not an apology, but it was the closest thing I've gotten in a long time. And my house was clean--really.

Oh, and I also told him that I'd had quite the adequate life for 28 years before he was born, and I didn't think I'd have a problem having one now - at least there'd be no more stress, no more tension, and I wouldn't have to walk on eggshells in my own home.

And I let him know it WAS my home.

I think I scared him.

And yes, we're in therapy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 9:48am

I'm sure it was hard for you - but it sounds like it was the right thing to stand up to your son and ask him to take responsibitlity for his actions (toward you and toward others).

Hang in there!

(((HUGS)))

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 10:21am

FWIW my oldest(now 21)went through a blame the parents stage around 19. I think it was precipitated by moving him out of the house-which we did gently with like 6 mos notice.

Anway, it was a very painful time(already hurting from him moving out as I feel closest with this son)

But, it passed. It took him getting out and being around a variety of people to learn that everyone parents differently and some of the exact things he saw as 'horrible' other young adults would have wanted in their lives.

One thing I did with my son that seemed to make a difference was to give the "you didnt come with instructions" talk. I explained we did the best we could and we knew we made mistakes but we loved him and we were continuing to strive to be the best parents we could.

I swear it made the biggest difference of anything Id said up to that point, which was all defensive, of course-it's our natural first reaction

But I DID makes mistakes-there are things I would do over if I could-but I cant. It's okay to admit that

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 9:08am

Man...it sounds like your son is a tough one. Although I haven't had to deal with any child behavior quite that hurtful, in the past I have had to deal with a narcissist (one of my son's soccer coaches). Sounds like your son has some of the traits. You may want to check out this link if you haven't already done so.

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/general.msnw

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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 7:20pm
Mamarose, are you finding that therapy is helping? My son turned 18 three weeks ago, and he cannot seem to follow my rules. He hasn't graduated from high school, and at this rate it doesn't look like he will. I got home from work today and he'd gotten his lip pierced -we had a blowout and he's stormed out. I've no idea where he is, and I am torn between worry and fury. He's been sullen and miserable for the past couple of years, refuses to do schoolwork, lies frequently - sounds like you know what I mean. Of course, he may not come back ever, so who knows about getting therapy. I have "ruined his life" and everything that's wrong in his life is all my fault - so he says. But I really identified with what you said about just letting him go - he's 18. I hadn't looked at the ivillage boards before, so I hope I'm doing this right. Thanks for listening, anyway.