Letting kids have more freedom

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Letting kids have more freedom
15
Wed, 10-17-2007 - 10:36am

The other day my 17 yo DSD asked her dad if she could go w/ her friends to Salem, MA.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 10-19-2007 - 2:52pm

I agree w/ what you have said here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2003
Fri, 10-19-2007 - 4:43pm

Well, I'm not suggesting you do what I've done in terms of prohibiting friends. This is a drastic action based on some very bad and illegal behaviors that I caught her in. I don't really think based on what you've stated here, that T qualifies as a "bad influence". However, the kids in my dd's life that I expect her to no longer associate with are any that use drugs or alcohol. This is based on *any* system of sobriety. You want to stay sober, you don't hang out with people who use and abuse. That's why I'm doing what I'm doing, among other things I found out my sweet, loving honor student was up to.


I have told her a couple of things. One, if she wants the freedom of choice of being an adult and making adult decisions, then she can take an adult punishment. Adults answer to the police when they get caught. I handed her a list of what her potential charges would be based on what I knew and what she had confessed. I also informed her what the penalties for said charges would be. Or, I told her, she could be accountable to me. She could acknowledge that she is, indeed, still a child and that she answers to me for her actions. She considered her options and decided to take the consequences that I handed out, because in comparison, it was a *lot* easier on her. *My* decision was that hanging around negative people who encourage her to engage in illegal, immoral, and dangerous activities was counter-productive to everything she was trying to achieve in her life. She could speak to them during school hours if she chose, but that would be it. Right now, she no longer has her car or her phone, but she has given me a comprehensive list of the people she *was* hanging out with and doing these illegal things, and I will cross-reference that list with her cell phone. As I also have digital phone service at home, I can tell if any one of those numbers ever pops up either on her phone or at home, ever again. I will also be purchasing a GPS for her car and possibly her phone, using her money. She will not know what they look like, how they work, or where they are located. I will, from now on, spend time with and get to know *every* new friend and their parents, she will check in everywhere she goes, I will basically be hanging over her shoulder for a long time. I know it sounds horrible, but she will have to learn that the trust is *completely* severed and she has a lot of work to do to get it back. And in the meantime, I will be double-checking absolutely everything. She is lucky she is not in jail. She is lucky that *I* caught her and not the police. That would have completely ruined her life and she would have never seen those kids again anyway. She's decided that this is the better option for her and she will comply. She is going to focus on her positive friends and bringing her life back into a positive place for herself.


And you're right about not knowing just from the outside what these kids are doing (like the girl B). My dd is an honors student, appears to be obedient and sweet and kind, and my bf is a cop! But she was behaving very badly for the last several months, completely hiding it from me (although I had given her a lot of freedom and was trusting her a lot).

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2003
Fri, 10-19-2007 - 4:54pm
Oh, this has not been an easy decision. I've wanted her to get away from these kids for a while. Well, the ones I knew were into bad stuff. The most recent kids I didn't even know were bad because she kept all that from me. When I say bad kids, please don't think that I dislike these children in any way. I just don't like what they do. But I let her make her choices and decisions about who to be around because I think they need to make their mistakes. *However* when the choices she made were REALLY REALLY bad and were influenced by the behaviors of these other kids, then at that point, I decided it was no longer her decision. Most adults realize that your friends *do* have an influence on you. Most adults realize that if you want to remain clean and sober, its best not to make all your closest friends those who use and abuse. Children don't necessarily know these things, but if they screw up big time and its a result of making bad choices in friends, well, then, in some instances, those friends have got to go. I don't personally advocate this tactic. I think it's risky and kinda hard-core. But in my situation, with this particular child, I feel its the best thing to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2003
Fri, 10-19-2007 - 4:58pm

Yeah, it should be interesting. Today she came home bright and cheery saying that she had talked to one of her old friends again. This is a sweet girl who does *not* drink and who plans to be an anesthesiologist! I just want her to reconnect with her positive friends again. Trust me, I know its a risky maneuver but I feel its a step I have to take. She's a really good girl overall and we have a pretty great relationship so I have hope that she'll see the wisdom in avoiding the kids that party and nurturing friendships with kids that have clean and sober lifestyles like she used to be committed to and wants to commit to again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 10-22-2007 - 12:45pm

I feel that your motivation is really to save your DD from bad consequences of her behavior and since she is willing to abide by your rules, then she must believe that you are right too.

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