Lock her up or let her go?
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Lock her up or let her go?
| Thu, 05-11-2006 - 9:35am |
I've posted my woes in dealing with my 16yo DD before (HS junior). In a nutshell - good kid, made some bad decisions, easily distracted, very social, smart but unmotivated. All part of being a teen.
I don't bury my head in the sand. I KNOW there is alcohol at parties. I am 100% sure she will drink, I am 99.9% sure she won't do drugs. Now that her friends are driving, she isn't necessarily at a girl friend's house when I think she is, but at one of these parties. I have attempted to communicate with some of the


Locking her up (i'm assuming you mean at home, in her room) is not the answer. Better communication, keeping tabs on her whereabouts and with whom are. Setting curfews and giving her some more responsibility at home is important. Allowing her to invite people over more than letting her go out is helpful as well.
It is up to you to make your home environment open to better communication with your dd. You're the parent and it's also up to you to set the guidelines. It helps if you can do this together, but obviously you need to take the first step. If she says she's at Suzy's house, call Suzy's house and make sure. If she's lied to you, she suffers the consequences. Do you check her behavior when she comes home? Can you see that she is visibly intoxicated? If so, what are the consequences for that? What are her outside interests? Does she do sports, dance or anything artistic? Is all her spare times spent running around with her friends or do you plan family time or activities. Do you limit her time spent out with her friends on weekends? Do you limit her sleepovers? Maybe it's time for you to take inventory of what is acceptable time spent away from home and not. Make a schedule. Give her certain tasks to be responsible for before she can go out. Be there and awake when she gets home so you can converse with her a little to determine if she's been drinking.
Both my dd's have curfews; the 18 y/o can be out till 10 weeknights and 12:30 weekends. My 16dd has a 8:30 curfew weekdays and 10:30 weekends. Both are responsible to compete certain chores before they can even make plans and they must ask permission. There are not double sleepovers EVER in one weekend. So, if they sleep out or have a friend sleep over on Friday, then there is no sleepover planned for Sat.
I realize there is drinking/drugging going one at parties. If my 18 dd going to be at a party with alcohol and plans on drinking, she stays over - OR she promises not to drink and comes home instead or doesn't go to the party. She almost never drinks (maybe 3 times in this past year) so this hasn't been much of an issue. My 16dd smokes cigarettes - she doesn't smoke pot or drink alcohol. She tried alcohol in our house last summer with her GF, but she couldn't stomach the taste and I found the moldy beer months later behind her stuffed animals.
We consistently have discussions about drugs/sex/alcohol - what our expectations are, what thier responsibilities are to US about what they choose to do, and what the consequences are.
It sounds like you mostly just need to set up some basic guidelines which detail your expectations and the consequences involved, let dd know them and be consistent. Keep a VERY watchful eye on where she is, with whom, and what they are doing. Best of luck.
Wow! Great response --- thanks!!
To address some of your comments:
I have her call me from the house phone (rather than her cell) when she arrives at someone's house. Do they stay there or go out? I don't know.
I can't check her breath/behaviour because she sleeps over at friends - RED FLAG, right? We are starting to limit the sleepovers - but they still exist. Should we eliminate them altogether? Allow her to go out, but pick her up at an agreed upon curfew time? I like your idea for NO double sleepovers AND for chores. My kids rarely do chores because of homework and social life. We need to fix that!
Since she was cut from two sports she enjoyed after her freshman year, she has had no sports. No clubs either (geeky, I'm told). She works at an ice cream shop. They allow her to request hours. She requests after school and weekend days -- so that she is free at night. I have no control over the hours she puts in for. We do family things together from time to time. With busy schedules and kids getting older there is less of that. Family obligations (b-days, christenings, etc.. she is expected to attend).
I am not a good communicator. We have already established the fact that no matter what the issue, it turns into an arguement. We know how to push each other's buttons. I try so hard to stop it. I am beating my head against the wall with this kid. I know I have to talk more about sex and drugs, but I find it really hard to say the right things. I can't belive that it is this way!! I have read things on myspace that she and her friends and acquaintences have posted and there is a lot of sexual inuendo. It scares the heck out of me.
Thanks again for your post and your great ideas. I can definately use some of them!!
Well, obviously you can't lock her up or forbid her from going out altogether. If she can't learn to control her behavior now, what happens when she's 18? I told my 17 y.o. DD that if she wanted to try alcohol, she could do it at home. The big thing I would be worried about is drinking & driving. My DD's friends don't drink but I would tell her that if she was ever to drink not to drive and if her friend was drinking & driving, not to get in the car. If she is sleeping over a friend's house then at least you don't have to worry about that. I would also explain to her that it's one thing to drink in moderation, but that a lot of kids seem to feel the need to drink to get drunk and what could happen if people do that, for ex. acting out and doing things sexually that they otherwise wouldn't do.
I think the only thing that you can do as a parent is communicate w/ your kids and give them advice, not nagging. If you get into an argument every time you talk w/ your DD, then obviously you need to change the way you talk and not let her push your buttons. You are the adult and have to be in control. (I know how kids can push your buttons more than everyone else.) Maybe you could read some books on parenting and get some ideas. I know a friend recommended "how to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk." I also have "yes, your teen is crazy." I know our school dept. will give some lectures on how to parent teens also.
There was an article about myspace in our paper recently which talkied about the dangers of posting there. A lot of girls don't seem to realize the message they are sending, but also it seemed to say that girls are "trying out" what it means to be sexy and it doesn't mean they are actually doing things in real life. But I think it's more than time for you to have a talk about sex w/ your DD not to preach at her but to help her make the right decision.
>>I have her call me from the house phone (rather than her cell) when she arrives at someone's house. Do they stay there or go out? I don't know.>>
That's why you should wait an hour or so and call back. If you have doubts about her being there, be sure to call and check up on her. When she begins to exhibit responsible behavior then you won't have to check up on her - TELL HER THAT.
>>>I can't check her breath/behaviour because she sleeps over at friends - RED FLAG, right? We are starting to limit the sleepovers - but they still exist. Should we eliminate them altogether? Allow her to go out, but pick her up at an agreed upon curfew time? I like your idea for NO double sleepovers AND for chores. My kids rarely do chores because of homework and social life. We need to fix that!>>>
Yes, a RED FLAG, but it doesn't mean she's ALWAYS drinking while out; Eliminate all sleepovers, no. Limit them? Yes. If there is a particular friend you're wary about, suggest they have the sleep over at your house instead. Offer to take them to rent movies and buy snacks, etc. Chores? Kids NEED chores. WE need the help = it's a perfect solution. I truly believe that chores make a difference. You must be consistent and make them responsibile for the chore, how often and to what specifications. It can't be shoddy - just to do it so they can go out, KWIM?
>>>Since she was cut from two sports she enjoyed after her freshman year, she has had no sports. No clubs either (geeky, I'm told).>>> What about tennis lessons or gymnastics or an art class at your town rec or local art school or community college? A lot of community colleges will allow students 16 and older to take certain course for fun. I would check into it. How about a volunteer position someplace like an adult home or a child's program? Check with the HS and find out if students are required to have some community service hours to graduate.
>>>She works at an ice cream shop. They allow her to request hours. She requests after school and weekend days -- so that she is free at night. I have no control over the hours she puts in for.>>> If she has other things to take up her afternoons, perhaps she will be forced to work a Fri/Sat night each week?
>>>We do family things together from time to time. With busy schedules and kids getting older there is less of that. Family obligations (b-days, christenings, etc.. she is expected to attend).>>>
I know, scheduling is really tough here too. But including them in as many family events as possible is great.
>>>I am not a good communicator. We have already established the fact that no matter what the issue, it turns into an arguement. We know how to push each other's buttons. I try so hard to stop it. I am beating my head against the wall with this kid. I know I have to talk more about sex and drugs, but I find it really hard to say the right things. I can't belive that it is this way!!>>>
Well, the good news is you can change it. There are over a million excellent books at your local book store that can help you learn new techniques to communicate better with your dd. The first step is to listen more. When she starts complaining, validate her complaints with something like, "I can understand your feeling like that. Please try to understand how I feel as well....". You will have to bite your tongue at times and not fight fire with fire. Let her throw a tantrum if she wants to. Let her cover her ears if she doesn't want to listen to you but you must FORCE yourself to address these issues with her. The first couple of times it is so uncomfortable, I know, but you just have to block out your own discomfort in order to get your message to your dd, KWIM? After a few times, it won't be so uncomfortable for you. And with practice, not every conversation has to end up in an argument. My 16dd was like that. Now I can read her pretty well and when I see her getting all annoyed with me, I gently remind her that I'm just doing my job, that I love her and that I just want to 'talk', not argue. Just because one of us has something to say that we know the other will not like, doesn't mean it has to be an argument. We're all entitled to speak out mind. What your dd takes away from a conversation is up to her. But you need to get it out to her.
>>>I have read things on myspace that she and her friends and acquaintences have posted and there is a lot of sexual inuendo. It scares the heck out of me>>>
Well, you're preaching to the choir when it comes to MySpace - I'm fairly certain that most parents hate MySpace, me in particular. My 16dd was lured off the internet last year and sexually assaulted. It's been almost exactly a year since the date (5/21/05) and we're seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. My dd has made great strides this past year and so I have to admit that out of a really terrible situation came good. My dd communicates with me better, she doesn't hide much from me anymore, she isn't interested in smoking pot or drinking and she lost all her bad friends. She's home more, yes, and she's still a typical teen PIMA, but she's learned - the hard way - to be more careful. I hope your dd doesn't have to learn the hard way.
The short answer to your question is that of course, you have to let her go. I've been through a rough year with my 14dd, and sometime last year I came to the awful realization that I was not going to be able to "control" her anymore....she's no longer my little girl. After almost a year of grieving that little girl, she and I have started re-building our relationship and trust. I still have a way to go with the trust, but as I continue to computer monitor, to my delight, I am finding that she is telling me the truth. I accept that she is not going to talk to me about the boys and the "drama", maybe not until she's much older, if ever. She's just not that kind of girl, it's not that she and I don't have a "good enough" relationship, I know alot of teen girls that won't talk to their moms about these things. That's girlfriend talk, KWIM? I love my mother dearly, and she's one of my best friends, but there is certain things you don't talk to your mom about...
Anyway, what I hear in your post is that part of you wants to let go, but you're struggling with it. It sounds like you're doing what you can to establish rules and limits...making her call you when she gets to a friend's house from a landline. As hearts said, then you gotta call back in an hour and see if she's still there. Okay, but how far do we take this? Are you gonna call at 2 am to make sure they didn't sneak out the window and go somewhere else (and I say this b/c dd has a friend whose bedroom window in a one-story faces the front of the house and she sneaks out...when I found this out that was the last straw for me. DD can't ever spend the night there again.) I don't know if dd ever sneaked out with her...but now that I know this goes on, how can I allow it? The point I'm trying to make is that at some point, yes, you have to let go. Unless she has violated your trust so repeatedly, then you should eliminate sleep overs (at others houses) until the trust is regained.
I think that teens and moms do have a way of pushing each other's buttons. It seems that nature designed it that way. ;) If your dd is at all close to her dad, this is the time to get him involved in a big way. Unfortunately, my dd has always been a "mommy's girl" and as much as she argues with me and we push each other's buttons, to this day she admits I'm her favorite. I wish she had a better relationship with dh, but I can't do anything about that...out of my control.
One more thing: I disagree with OP that you should allow your teens to drink in your home. We've argued about this off and on here for months, but statistics show that it does not stop your teen from drinking irresponsibly elsewhere, and opens you up to liability. Enough said.
It's been a few days, but I wanted to thank you all for your wonderful responses. Much of what was said is information I can really use.
We actually started talking the other day. She initiated the conversation (a good sign). We discussed Prom and what the rules are. I agreed to allow her to attend a party after the prom only if parents would be home, and that I would call. I also agreed to allow her to go to the beach the next day for an overnight at a friend's grandmother's house providing that I could talk to the parent who was to be there and in charge.
Communication is the key. I have to work on it.
Thanks again!