Long Vent from Frustrated Mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Long Vent from Frustrated Mom
10
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 11:38pm

Things have been going pretty good for a while with dd14 who has given us some trouble this year, as some of you know. Recently there was an incident, however, on the lovely internet that caused us much concern. Very inappropriate conversations with boys. This time my dh addressed this with her - and boy, did it hit home. She was mortified I'm sure, but hey, maybe that's what she needed! Sometimes I honestly can't believe this is the dd I raised. My dissapointment runs so deep.

Tonight on the way home from her "group therapy" (which I'm starting to wonder is just a place to get together with her friends at $80 a session!) we got into it for the first time in some time. It was all about allowing her older brother ds16 privileges which she doesn't get. It doesn't help to remind her that she's 2 years younger and that two years ago he also didn't have those privileges. No, nothing helps. It's all about the fact that I must like him better. I tried telling her that I did not make this stuff up - about the last year of the cutting, the lies, etc. etc. That brought up H's mother, because she's the one that walked in on dd cutting and chose not to tell me. I still don't trust her fully because of this, and other lies I believe she has told me. DD started taking her side, and defending her to the tune of she's had such a hard life, and I don't understand, yada yada yada. In other words, all of her problems, alcoholism and otherwise are because she's had a "hard life". Would someone please tell me why my dd has such compassion for this woman and not an ounce of it for me? She does not even understand why I wouldn't trust my dd with a woman who lied to me, and who has been previously arrested for drunk driving. She also told me that H. is not always mean to her mother (mostly what I've seen) but that she hugs on her and kisses her sometimes. My dd has not kissed me since I can't remember when! What have I done wrong? Should I take up boozing and carousing? When did up become down and right become left? I'm so angry I wish I could just give her away to that family so she knows how good she's had it here at home. I do so many things for her that she takes for granted. For one thing, I became a parent and stopped going to parties and drinking and having a good ol' time like I did before I had any responsibilities! Can you tell I'm venting?

Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 10:51am

Hey mom_dragonfly,

I'm a bit pressed for time this morning and don't much for a decent response, just wanted to send some hugs your way. And maybe some chocolate? A glass of wine? Bubblebath? A one way ticket to Paris?

Please don't think that your DD's attitude toward you is your doing. It's not! I think it is quite common for teens to feel some sort of resentment and irritation with us and what they perceive to be our power and/or control over them. And we do have some, whether they like it or not! They think us decrepit old people just don't understand! I mean, after all, none of us have ever been teenagers with raging emotions and hormones have we?

You're a wonderful and caring mother and it's just an unfortunate fact that most teenagers don't appreciate all the things their parents do for them, nor understand the sacrifices we made when we brought them into our lives. BUT ... I believe they will appreciate us eventually, and I believe your DD will with you too.

Saying this with all the best intentions now, but have you considered therapy for yourself? I hate to see you take on the responsibility for your DD's attitude and behavior. I's just not your fault and I don't want you to feel guilty. It seems your DD is just wired to be a bit rebellious!

More hugs ... I've got to run. I do hope your day gets better! I'm sure others will have some good advice for you.

Jules

 

 

 

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 11:23am

{{mom_dragonfly}} My goodness, please don't blame yourself for dd's attitude...she's still figuring "it" all out. She probably won't appreciate you until she has her own children, when they are teens and the tables have turned!

I know she's had her fair share of issues this past year and you're doing it all right. It's time for you to garner some support from others...perhaps seeing a counselor would be a good way for you to not only vent, but also gather some helpful ways to deflect dd and her rants and crazy ideas.

I think it's difficult for us, the moms, to NOT react to everything our kids throw our way. Just because they have something to say, doesn't mean we need to respond. We can just nod, or do nothing in response. Sometimes they need to vent, even if it's an opinion we disagree with. We can set up boundaries of what types of language they use or methods they use to vent thier own frustrations and anger, but we do not have to always have a comeback. Sometimes, no response is better for everyone. The kid can't argue with herself, after all, can she?

You are a good mom, and you've expressed your concerns here for dd many times - you love her and want to guide her and point her in the right direction. That's what moms do. We're right there along side you! The hugs, kisses and thanks will all come later. Just be patient, do something for you and chin up. We can only do our best and the rest is up to them.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 11:32am

I just wanted to add that I know how you feel in regards to your dd's solidarity to the one person who couldn't be a worse role model for her! My exh is someone that my 16dd tries to emulate and it drives me nuts. It seems that all the stupid things that come out of his mouth, including all the BS lies about his pathetic life that irritate me and make me just want to puke are the very things that dd thinks are so funny and feels that she 'missed out' on. Her plan after graduation next year is to move into the shotgun shack next to her father's house and try to get a job and go to school (yeah right). I can't tell you in words how that eats me alive, especially in view of everything I've done for her over the years, in particular, the last few years to keep this child on the straight and narrow. I mean, talk about support - holy crap. I'm her support, her confidante, her advisor, her advocate, everything; I can't even count all the doctor visits, therapy, bills and meds - makes my head spin some days. Her bio-dad hasn't lifted a finger for her since the day she was born. Yes, he contributed the sperm and the occasional support check, but it has been ME and H (her stepdad) who have literally been there for her every step of the way. And yet, she thinks the sun rises and sets on her bio-dad. Part of me, like you, wishes she WOULD move there and live near him.....then maybe she will see his true colors and that what she thought she was missing, isn't much at all.

So, mom_dragonfly, I just wanted to vent along with you so you're not alone!! lol - hugs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 11:41am

I'm sending you major hugs!!

I'm sitting here looking at pictures that my DD has strewn all over the desk of the last few weeks of her senior year. She's definitely not the sullen, argumentative, unhappy 15 y/o that lived in that pretty girl a few years ago. It took alot of patience, control on my part, counseling (more for me than her), and sleepness nights to get through it but we did!!

I will say that I actually saw some progress on your DD's part in your vent. She's taking her frustrations out on you instead of herself in the form of cutting. I think that shows some progress. I know it is still very hurtful and frustrating to you but I often tell my DH he had 18 years of drinking to alienate our oldest DD from him and he can't expect to undo it all in a matter of 4 or 5 years. Please keep in mind that this is a very slow process but it is a process.

She defends her g-mother b/c she comes from her g-mother. She may see herself as a part of her. It's much easier to see someone that you don't live with more objectively so it's easier for her to be more compassionate with her.

I agree with the others. My attendance with the counselor helped me to handle all my emotions (hurt, anger, distrust, etc.) and it also helped me to learn how to help my DD with her problems. I learned to control my responses to her anger and to not her push those buttons of mine. I swear sometimes I think my buttons just heard the tone of her voice and starting waving a bright red "push me" sign. Once I learned not to respond to her tantrums and outbursts, they became fewer and farther apart. Now she will tell me she wants to do something totally stupid or inappropriate and I just sit there silent. First of all, i've learned that I may not have to be the bad guy - some other parent may not let there kid go so that ends it. Secondly, she's learned that my silence means I'm not initially okay with this but I will think about it and that silence does not equal yes. Please be very careful that you don't fuel her tantrums.

Good Luck and things do get better. I have pictures to prove it!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 12:37pm

I will never turn down chocolate...and I guess I'll have some whine with that too, LOL.
I think you are all right in that I could use some counseling myself and as soon as I have time I will look into seeing my pastor again. I'd rather see a woman, though.

Things did take a turn for the better last night. DD had cried herself out (when we got home, she was actually hyperventilating) and came to me later that night looking very apologetic and wanting to "reconnect". She's having a hard time b/c H. has been sent to the "relatives" in another state and she has had virtually no contact with her for almost two weeks. The intensity of their relationship worries me. It's not like she doesn't have other friends...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 12:39pm

I can see you really understand my position. Of course, I would never let dd go live with H and her mother but sometimes I wish she could see things would not be at all the way she imagines they would be...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 12:46pm

I just wanted to clarify I'm not talking about her grandmother, that would make a lot more sense. Both of her grandmothers are wonderful stable people. I'm talking about her best friend H's mother. You all know about H. She (the mother) has been arrested before for drunk driving and God knows what else. DD was in the car with her when she was in a minor accident; dd swears up and down she wasn't drunk. Don't get me wrong, she's had a hard life (lost two children) and her oldest is in Iraq. But she is no one's idea of a role model, and she has absolutely no part of my dd! The one thing I do understand is that dd feels compassion for her in her situation, and that more than anything else makes me realize that dd is alot more like me than I realize sometimes. I've gotten in alot of trouble before not being able to discriminate between feeling compassion for others and not being "taken in" by them. I guess I'm trying to save her from this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 11:27pm

Sorry - It was late and I took it H to mean husband. I'm glad DD is doing a little better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 8:41am

Re your dd's attachment to this other person...it could be that your dd has feelings of sadness and depression that she can't fully explain and this other person's situation or drama provides a sort of "focus" for her feelings. Its almost like providing justification for her thoughts ie "how can I be happy when this person is going through all this???".

Hopefully the therapy your dd is in is getting her towards allowing herself to be happy and feel okay. Life is full of drama and problems and events that distress us (just read the news every day and you'll find plenty of reasons for hopelessness). So you dd needs to get to that point where she cares about herself enough to hope again. The relationship with the other woman is not healthy for her because she will continue to wallow in sadness and disappointment.

But be careful not to make this woman even more attractive by criticizing her or trying to keep you dd away from her. Instead of doing that, try to get your dd to see other more hopeful situations in life. This is why I always appreciated my very large extended family growing up. Sure there was always someone who was in some sort of trouble but there were also so many other good things like births and weddings and parties that balanced everything out and provided something happy to look forward to. Your dd needs to see examples of people who overcome obstacles in a postive healthy way -- she needs some everyday heroes to look up to.

Good luck!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 2:09pm
I just wanted to send some hugs your way. I don't have any great advice for you, but I think you will make the right decisions for your family, you always seem to handle things well.
I also think pastoral counseling would help you. Me and DD have been seeing a pastoral counselor at the church we just started attending recently, and I think that combined with other things we've been doing is really helping, for now. One thing I'm trying to learn is to not get on the emotional roller coaster with DD.
Hugs,
Amy