Looking for advice for parenting a 16yo

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Looking for advice for parenting a 16yo
2
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 6:12pm

Hi, I'm new to the board and am jumping in with both feet. I'm a bit lost as to how to handle this new phase of dd's life.

We have a 16yo dd. The past two years with dd have been great. Yes, we had our moments, but overall she was a joy to be around. The past month, OTOH, has been one drama after the next.

Dd has been dating her first real boyfriend for the past month. I'm not sure if our problems with dd are a direct result of this boyfriend or if her attitude is just a coincidence. Dd and her boyfriend work together. He is a year older than her (he'll be a senior next year; dd will be a junior), and he lives only two blocks away from our house (too close for my comfort!).

I only found out about her boyfriend because I checked her Myspace page. He had posted a comment on dd's page, something about dedicating the music on his page to her, so I then went to his page. There was a comment on his page that tipped me off (sorry if that was confusing). So I talked to dd and asked her what was going on. It turned out that they just started dating a couple of days prior to me finding out. Because dd wasn't very forthcoming from the beginning, and because of a few other things that had recently happened, I decided to install monitoring software on her computer.

Through the monitoring software, I've come to learn that dd has lied to us and has been making some poor decisions. I've discovered that when dd and her boyfriend went to a graduation party, they snuck out of the party to make out in the guest of honor's bedroom. I've also found out that dd and her boyfriend were at her boyfriend's house alone and made out in his bedroom. Dd knows she's not allowed either here or at his house without parental supervision. I have since called this boy's mom when dd was over there to make sure a parent was home while dd was there.

Then last night I read that dd's boyfriend is trying to talk dd either into sneaking out of the house to see him or sneaking him into our house after dh and I are in bed. Luckily, dd had the sense to tell him no and that she'd be in a world of hurt if she got caught. So then her boyfriend said that they can sneak out the next time dd sleeps over at her friend's house. Well, how on earth am I supposed to okay that next sleepover, knowing what I know, without tipping her off about anything?!

Sometimes I worry that I'm going too far with protecting dd (is that possible?). I'm not sure where I cross that line from protecting her and keeping myself informed to just snooping and being nosy. How do confront her about things that I learned from using the software without her knowing about the software?

Another "problem" that I don't know how to handle is the boyfriend. Like I said, they've only been dating for one month. Almost from the very beginning, they've been telling each other "I love you" and "I don't want to lose you" and "I don't know what I'd do without you." That on top of all the making out is making me think they're rushing too fast and will quickly become sexually active. I've talked and talked to dd about waiting until marriage, safe sex, sex and love, etc. How do I trust her to make the right decision to either not have sex or at least have safe sex when I can't even trust her to tell me the truth about not being alone with him at his house?! Is it out of line to have dh talk to the boyfriend to let him know explicitely what our rules are and how we expect our dd to be treated? Is that too weird?

I guess I just don't know when to step back and let dd make her own mistakes or when I need to swoop in.

Thanks, and sorry for the epic post. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 8:55pm

Sounds like you and your DD are in the process of big changes - both in how you relate to each other and how she relates to boys. My DD is a year younger, and hasn't had a real serious boyfriend (some boys that she's kissed, like at a school dance, but no more than that).

I don't think of reading myspace as "snooping". I tell my DD that I read myspace, and sconex, and facebook. These are public spaces, and she needs to know that I can read them. I know her passwords, and would block the websites if she changed the password (this might change when she's older, but that's what it is right now).

So, I think you could say to your DD that you are browsing these sites and what you read.

Monitor what she does and where she goes. Alert other moms about "sneaking out". Be upfront with your DD that sneaking is not allowed and tell her why you're concerned. Not a lecture on "no sex", but why - the physical and emotional risks of sex for teens.

And then there's the part about letting them move on. LOL that's the REALLY hard part of this teen thing. Making out with a boyfriend at 16 is not so out of line - even sneaking out of a party to make out. We parents don't want to think of it, but many of us did similar things as teens. Help your DD find the boundaries, and help her follow through with her bf, but be realistic that those boundaries may be a little further than you feel comfortable with.

(((HUGS)))

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 1:59pm

I have a 17 y.o. DD who so far hasn't had a BF, so I haven't had to deal w/ those issues yet. In realty, I guess there is only so much you can do because kids who are determined to have sex will find a way. I don't think "making out" will necessarily lead to sex, since I enjoyed making out a lot in high school, but never went further until I was 21! I guess if you have tried to give her some moral values and have told her about birth control, there's not much else you can do.

I don't think reading myspace is like reading a diary, since it is a public thing that anyone could read, but you are still going to have major issues about snooping around. All that is going to happen is that she won't publish these things on myspace anymore if she knows you read it. They can just make plans on the phone.