lost my son - for now? forever?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
lost my son - for now? forever?
8
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 4:47pm
What happens when you have a troubled teenager, and then give him all the power to make all his own decisions as an adult would? Well, my "son" has been mine for 2 years - first through foster care and then through private guardianship. We've been having issues lately - after coming SO far - with interference from one of his biological relatives (an alcoholic Schizophrenic, who abused and neglected him for 8 years but still wants to run his life). Anyway, his Social Worker volunteered the information that at 16 he is legally entitled to move out on his own - Supported Independent Living (not something most of our 16 year olds would be offered - but sounds pretty good to a kid...no rules, they give you money....) He was considering slowly transitioning into that over the next several months, with lots of help from me. As much as I think it would be better for him to stay here, my husband and oldest daughter have really reached the end of their rope with him, so I was trying to see this as a positive compromise. Then things came to a head two days ago - we had a terrible fight that started with this bio-uncle saying some pretty poisonous things, and then taking $100 from Austin to buy him a truck - something I'd already said was NOT allowed, but uncle says "You can't tell me what to do with my own son!" (uh..nephew. And all your rights were terminated - you don't even have a legal right to visit -but whatever). Anyway, Austin went into a terrible rage - screaming and throwing things, telling me he hated me and never wanted to see me again - and in his anger called his Social Worker and demanded to be moved immediately. Again - most of our kids couldn't just get mad and leave, but under the circumstances this one CAN, even if he realized an hour later that it was a terrible mistake. He's always been so loving and sweet - lots of hugs and "I love yous"- I can't believe he really hates me and wants me out of his life all of a sudden. SOO...here's where it stands right now. He's in a temporary home 30 miles away with a single-dad foster parent who currently doesn't have any other kids. He leaves on Friday to go to another province for a sibling visit for two weeks. Most of his stuff is still here. I'm wondering if he'll phone when he calms down, and really missing him. I'm concerned because he didnt' take his medication with him, and likely this new FP doesn't even know he's supposed to be taking it. I was supposed to take him to the doctor on Thursday to talk about the meds (no one else knows quite what the scoop is), he's supposed to register for school on the 29th and I doubt they know about that...etc. I guess I'm having a really hard time just suddenly NOT being his mom, especially when I know that no-one else is really doing it. And the advice that I've gotten from my friends is "just bag up his stuff and drop it off at the CW's office with a list of his appointments and forget about it".
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 6:05pm

Many hugs to you!

Avatar for coldfingers
Community Leader
Registered: 04-30-2000
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 6:54pm

I really want to

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 8:51pm
Thanks, Rose - you know the weirdest part? It is even other foster/adoptive parents saying this! But as you know, hardly any really "gets" why ANYONE would take in a teen. For the appointments and stuff -yes, I'll do it that way. Guess I was hoping he'd call before I had to relay info through a third party. And what strikes me as really weird in the whole "guardian" thing is that even though they aren't adults here until 16, they CAN choose to legally emancipate themselves basically just by saying so. No real court action necessary if they've been wards of the state and not legally adopted. There is actually nothing to prevent him from going home to uncle right now, except that he'd lose all financial supports from Children's Services.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 8:57pm
Thank you, Cheryl. I understand your story about your foster kids - I hear some version of that so often! But people do seem to see this as different since HE walked out - not a little kid taken from me to be RU'd with parents *sigh*. And he is NOT diagnosed Schizophrenic, but I have to admit it keeps crossing my mind. "dad" is actually an uncle - so a little less dna there, but on the other hand his sister (A's mom) was pretty troubled herself but died young and so might very well have BEEN Schizophrenic and never diagnosed. No info at all on A's bio dad except that he was also an alcoholic and extremely violent (she was only 19 and ran away from him when she found out she was pregnant). Maternal grandma seems nice and mentally healthy enough - but bio grandpa is ALSO an alcoholic and left Grandma many years ago. So who knows? Not that it helps a whole lot right now, but it does show that I really don't know what mental stresses might be affecting my boy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 7:36am

Oh, I know there are a lot of people out there who can't imagine someone WANTING to foster parent teens - especially teen BOYS!

Community Leader
Registered: 12-16-2003
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 7:42am
No advice here, you have gooten some great ideas already. Just ((hugs)) and know there is a special place in heaven for foster parents.

Ramona  Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 10:01am

Probably a repeat, but I agree with the others to ignore what your friends are telling you. So many ignorant people feel it's okay to treat insolent kids as throw-aways, especially if they have been in foster care or adopted and that could not be further from the truth. Your son needs to know that despite his harsh words, you still care for him and are in his corner should he choose to be in your life again. Call the SW and let them know about the meds and the appt. Neatly pack his things and put them in plastic storage containers so that they will be available for him should he choose to pick them up.

It's a shame that his bio-uncle is such an abusive person and is interferring in his nephew's life. He apparently has a skewed idea of what it means to love someone and behave in their best interests. Refuse contact with that vile man - he is evil and is misleading his nephew to believe that you are the bad one and that because he's 'family', nephew's loyalties should be with him. Again, furthest from the truth. I prefer to believe that 'family' is in the heart, not the blood.

Be strong, hold onto your faith and just wait this out after you've spoken with the SW. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 3:27pm

So, so sorry to hear that you and your family are going through such a tough time. Your DS is luckier than he realizes, and one day (sooner or later) he'll realize that very few people in life will continue to love you and care for you *no matter how badly you behave* and he's lucky to have you in his life.

I hope things calm down and the connection to your son is made again, so he can continue to have you in his life.

(((HUGS))) to all involved.

Sue