Lying-I think

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Lying-I think
11
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 11:14am

Ok, we're back on the downside of the rollercoaster.
DS 13 has gotten back into the rude, snotty, disrepectful responses, which is bad enough.
But I feel like he's started to fib about things. Just little things, but honesty is a BIG thing for me and I don't like feeling distrustful.

This AM he was told to get $$ for lunch, because he has left his lunchbox at school for 3 days and that's our rule. I asked several times before leaving home and in the car. He insisted loudly that he had gotten money. Too loudly. I told him to show me the $$. He called me weird, bitched, and dug in his pocket. No money. Then he pretended he had lost it and was angry that I was calling him a liar (which I never actually said.) I do know his teacher has told me he frequently hits other kids up for food, when he was supposed to have bought his lunch. And he is a tightwad. So what was I supposed to think?

As for the lost lunchbox, well, first it was forgotten, then it was lost, then the story changed to "so and so took it". I told him he would have to BUY a new lunchbox himself regardless (he's lost several in the past 2 years), which created another drama but that's a different post. The migration of the story seemed fishy.

He also "forgot" to show me his progress report which he usually shoves in my hand. I didn't know the kids had them untill another parent mentioned it. He had a huge drop in one class grade because of 2 missed homework assignments. He says he did the first one and turned it in, but his teacher's assistant "lost" his workbook. I'm wondering why he didn't ask for it and raise an alarm when the second assignment was due. Suspicious. Especially since last year he insisted someone had stolen another assignment... which later turned up in the car trunk.

And, of course, there was the recent myspace site that he swears someone else made (which I mostly believe.) But even if he didn't, he knew about it and kept it from me when he knows my feelings on myspace.

And the situation when the neighbors paid him early and 3 times what was agreed on for a house-sitting job. All of which he told everyone but ME (of course, I later found out.)

These are just a couple of numerous things lately that aren't earth-stopping, but just strengthen the tickle in my feelings of mistrust in him. I do think he's trying out a new direction that isn't great, but I can't be positive so I'm not sure what to do. Things just don't feel right.

And no... I'm not normally so weird.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
In reply to: karenlk10
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 12:04pm
I don't have an answer for you, but I'll tell you that you are not alone. My DS who is 13 is a very sweet and mature boy in many ways. But we cannot believe a word he tells us. He lies about so many things--even things that don't really matter. I caught him in a whopper recently, which involved some not-so-great Internet activity on his part--and he actually broke out in hives when we confronted him. At least when it's serious, something gives him away! In any case, I'll be interested to see what others suggest here. I know we haven't been great about imposing consequences on our son. Partly, it's because this happens so often and it's so hard to sort out what is true and what isn't.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
In reply to: karenlk10
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 12:09pm
Yes! That is the HARDEST part! Trying to sort out the truth from the fibs! How does one do that?
Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
In reply to: karenlk10
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 12:36pm

Welcome to the world of the young male teen - at least your ds sounds a lot like mine. He tells little lies too, and that just drives me nuts. For instance, a couple of weeks back ds14 and a buddy and others were talking about going to the movies - he wanted to see Wild Hogs; I said fine. His buddy wanted to see Grindhouse; I said no. Well, buddy's mom came and got ds and apparently she'd already bought tickets to Grindhouse, so they went (and ds hated it and really didn't want to go, but felt stuck). He got home late, saying that Wild Hogs was later than anticipated - well, I already knew for a fact that it wasn't even at the theater they went to. I told him NEXT time don't lie; call me and tell me that the mom already got tickets to (whatever) and that you're kinda stuck and what your new timing is - obviously I can't really stop it at that point, so I'd have to just let him go ahead with it, but at least he'd have been honest. He 'got it' and promised not to do it again. It's just those little things that drive me nuts.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
In reply to: karenlk10
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 12:38pm
It helps when they break out in hives! LOL. But seriously, you have to constantly be questioning everything they say. That's what is so disheartening. I don't like not being able to trust what my own son tells me. I don't even know why he does it. We aren't harsh when our kids do something wrong. I think in our case, he's just very, very reluctant to disappoint us in any way. I also think he has a very active imagination, which is why he makes up stories even when there is no reason to lie.
Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
In reply to: karenlk10
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 1:23pm
I am so glad that I am not alone!
Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
In reply to: karenlk10
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 7:59am
Hey all,
I read all of the responses so far and it is great that we're all in this together :) I will say that DS started all of the same stuff at about 13. i recently read a book called Stay Out Of My Life, But First Could You Take Me To The Mall. It's something like that guys, I lent it to a friend. Anyhow, It is a great book and I wish I had read it earlier in his teen years. One thing it talks about how this is so normal. He is now 16 and just finally in the last few months the little "fibs" have cut down, I'ld even say stopped..but who can be sure LOL. The reason for this, is that I started driving him nuts with "trusting but verifying" Everytime I could verify something I did. The result of that was catching him alot in his little white lies. It really embarressed him, even though what he showed me was anger. I was constantly reminding him, that He was killing my trust, and over some of the dumbest lies. For example, I got in close touch with all of his teachers via e-mail and found out that most of his excuses weren't true. Anyhow, the good news is after a few months of this, not only has the "fibbing" stopped, he is doing better in his grades again too :) Hang in there everyone with little fibbers :) I felt sick when it was going on, but it does get better!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
In reply to: karenlk10
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 8:29am
JB,
Can you give some examples of how you would verify things? I mean, some things I can figure out. Like when he said he had gotten money for school and I made him show it to me (oops, no money!)
But other things feel so intangible. I've no idea how I would verify some of the things he says.
I'm sure this makes me sound like I'm stupid... LOL I think having a 13 yo is starting to make me stupid!
k
Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
In reply to: karenlk10
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 9:28am

First, Don't feel stupid :) There are so many of them that you can't verify. When my DS was 13 It was even the little things. Did you make your bed? He would say Ya as he was running out the door. For a long time I would just shrug my shoulders and make the bed. I finally started making a big deal out of that one little "ya" being a lie. As I said, school was a big one for us. When he would say, I didn't know we had a test, the teacher didn't tell us, it was a pop quiz. I would actually e-mail the teacher, and find out that they got a weekly written schedual. Sometimes, he would tell me something about a friend, the next time I would see that friend, I might just mention it to them... here's an example. Mom, can I go to the movies with a group of kids? No, Im not ready for you to go to the movies without an adult (this was at 12 or 13.) "Everyone elses parents let them go" I would call a couple of moms that I knew that wasn't the case, then I would let DS know that saying "everyone elses parents let them go" was really a Lie. You have to get a bit creative. Find even one thing that they seem to "fib" about, and drive it into the ground. I wish I could come up with more tangable examples....it felt for a while that I was "verifying" all of the time....and now, I can't come up with "verifying" what LOL. I hope that helps some....but most of all, Don't let your teen get you down. This too shall pass, and I really never thought I would go through some of what I have, when my boys were little....they were such good boys :) You know what though....they are still "good boys" :)

Julie

Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
In reply to: karenlk10
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 9:57am

We too use the verify method.....as well assume guilt when it looks like he is guilty.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
In reply to: karenlk10
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 4:47pm
It also helps to try to start thinking like your son. For example (and this seems humorous now), one morning I asked my son to strip his bed and re-make it with clean sheets. He cracked open his door and handed me the rumpled-up sheets, but I had a sneaking suspicion (what would I do if I were him?)....and it turned out he had taken a set of clean sheets, rumpled them up and gave them to me so he wouldn't have to change his bedding! I was really mad at the time--not just because of the lying but because I have enough laundry to do without washing perfectly clean sheets!

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