Lying Teen
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| Sun, 01-22-2006 - 4:11pm |
Out of my league here. My daughter is 13 1/2 and I just can't get her to stop lying. Its been all about phoneuse but I don't want a pattern to start. Littl background she is daddy's girl and I'm the discpline parent. She has a boyfreind who is alos 13 he used to go to her school and then he moved so he nows go to another school. they were talking on the phone constatly and I let her within limits, I don't think she needs to be so wrapped up in this boy. She has no cell phone and only uses the home phone. I took her phone a way for week because she did not follow the rules eg, was on the phone when she was not supposed. This started in Late Novemeber. I took the phone away for a week on a Friday and that Sunday when me an my husband were doing gardening I came in and she was on the phone, she had not heard me come in. I was so mad I took the phone away for a month. Well my husband works in a hospital and he gets up at 4;30 in the morning and he heard her on the phone, she had taken his cell phone out of his car and was on the phone. Of course I was livid. We are also in the process of planning her quincenera which is going to be very expensive and it will be a big sacfrice money wise but it something thats important to us in our family, well after that last phone incident, I took away the computer and her new ipod for a week, the phone for a month again and told her taht her quincenera was on hold until we decided if we shoudl do it based on her behavior. Everything was going good for the the last two weeks, if we forgot our cell phones in the living room she would even make a point of bringing them into our room before we came to bed no other phones in the hosue right now. Well my husband just called from work, she used his cell phone last night. He had left in the car and she took it out.
I'm at my wits end. This is the middle of January and this started in Novemeber.
She is basically a good girls she gets good grades, helps out at home, file sin my office at work two days out of the week. SHe does not go out with freinds as she lives far from school. So she is with us basically 24/7 other than school, but I just don't understand what the big deal on this boy is she has seen him only twice in the last 6 months. ANy advise would be helpful. Sorry this was so long but it helped just to vent.

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Well, this is just mho, but I think your punishment may have been a bit too harsh.
If she broke the rules you set out, you were right in punishing her. Taking away a teen's phone use for a month though, seems extreme.
You say that she lives far from school and doesn't really ever get to see her friends. How can she socialize or interact with her peers if she can't speak with them on the phone? Socializing is truly a *need* for teens (and people of all ages). If I was a teen, and all opportunity to interact with my friends was taken away from me, I would be devastated. It sounds like over all, she is a good kid - so why prevent her from speaking with her friends?
My fear would be, that her friendships will start to fall off if she isn't given the opportunity to maintain. School-time alone isn't always enough to build strong friendships, and she may come to be seen as an 'in-school friend' and not a 'life friend' by her peers. It just happens naturally if she is never available.
Have you talked to her about *why* she is sneaking phone use? As a parent, you have the right to establish and enforce rules for your household, but I do understand why your dd is finding it difficult to abide by this particular rule concerning phone use. Perhaps you can come to the root of the problem (which I guess would be the fact that she feels isolated from her peers, as you say she is always at home). Addressing the source of the problem, instead of the behavior may be the key in this situation.
best of luck to you,
Becca
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Have you asked her what the big deal is? It seems like the more you are forbidding her from talking to him, the more she's sneaking around. Why? If she's far from school, and has little social life outside of school hours, she may feel like he's her only outlet. This is an age of great insecurity - maybe she feels special because he wants to talk to her so much. Is there something happening at school that gets her so wrapped up in this boy (like problems with other friends)? This seems like a topic that needs to be explored more.
A while ago, my DD14 was involved with a boy who she called a "friend with benefits". That meant that they kissed in the hallways between classes or after school, but were *not* bf/gf. I was NOT happy about this, but couldn't get anywhere if I tried to forbid it (unless I followed her around school, lol). Instead I talked and talked and talked about how she was worth more than that, that she was getting the short end of the stick, etc. At first she seemed to not listen, but eventually she saw that she had more to offer than just someone to kiss.
Not really the same thing as your DD *except* that I think talking about this boy, and what she's getting out of the friendship, and why you're concerned may go further than forbidding and punishing.
HTH
Sue
I haven't read the other posts, I'm just jumping in with my 2cents.
You have a power struggle going on here. I don't think it's about lying as much as it is about control. Please don't be offfended, but maybe you should consider lightening up on the phone thing. Our dd also lives far from her school and her friends are scattered over about a 50 mile radius. She doesn't have a cell phone, but we bought a calling card at Sam's Club and, as long as she uses it, she has unlimited phone time. We have two phone lines in our house, so this might be easier for us. The way I figure it is: 1. She's home. 2. We know who she's talking to (and OFTEN it's a boy! - but we KNOW who it is). The unlimited phone time has one restriction (making it not unlimited, I guess). Homework and household obligations have to be finished. If they aren't she has to make the calls quick.
You say that she's a good kid. Consider rewarding her for that. It sounds like the phone is sort of a lifeline for her. And, I'll bet the boy and the phone will be a little less of an attraction when they are less forbidden.
Good luck to you.
jt
I'd have to agree with the other posters. This is one of those situations where 'pick your battles' comes into play. Is it really worth the power struggle over phone calls? Over a harmless relationship with a boy? She's not seeing him, so she's not sneaking out or he's not unduly influencing her to display bad behaviors, so what's the harm in marathon phone conversations?
Having teens and dealing with issues that come up is SO hard--harmless phonecalls are the LEAST of a parent's worry..........
I agree that the sneaking and lying are issues that could be problematic, but look at what she's sneaking---phone calls......not drugs, not sex, not smoking............so maybe ease up and her desire to be on these calls will dwindle! If it isn't interfering with her schoolwork or chores, then write it off as one of those things teens 'do'.
Good luck!
Shels
First of all thank you all for all your advice. I see the common thread that everyone seems to think that I am over reacting and I guess I am. I have to reconsider. She is in the dog house. Last night she cleaned house without being told, did laundry and helped her sister with her homework.
Rainey
Rainey
proud owner of:
I too had a lying DD. Our form of punishment was usually a major chore for each time she lied to us - like washing windows, cleaning the garage, etc. She also wasn't allowed to go out on weekends - one weekend night for each lie. She normally wasn't allowed anywhere except church on weeknights anyway. I think for DD complete grounding would only frustrate her more and would just have made the problem worse. It worked for us - she isn't 100% forthcoming about every single thing in her life (but what teen is) but she will answer my questions honestly now and does tell me most of the important things. It took about a year or a year 1/2 to break this but I think we've succeeded.
Good Luck!!
Well I took everyones advice and decided to give her back her phone. I told her I had overeacted but that did not excuse her lying. I gave her back the phones with certain conditions. I asked her to make her phone calls before 10:00 and not to be tied up on the phone all afternoon. I also noticed that since I had taken the phone away she was losing touugh with all her other friends girls and boys and when she did sneak the phone she would just call her " boyfriend" so in a way I was isolating her and making her more dependent on just talking to him. I think taht by allowing her to talk to other people she wil not be as focused as she is right now on just one person. So we see how that works.
Rainey
Rainey
proud owner of:
jt
I have a similar power struggle with my 13.5 yo DD. Unlike you we only have 1 phone line at our house. I, too, want the boyfriend to become less of a focus but with 3way calling and all the other things available I know it's a losing battle to try to reduce/restrict her talking to him. Plus she's home by herself 2-2.5 hrs/night after school.
So our rule is that she is allowed 1 hr of phone time per night (between 6 and 9pm because we don't get home til then to help monitor her) and in 15 min increments. Since we share the phone she has to set the timer and get off the phone in 15 min to give someone else a chance to use it, check messages, whatever. She is off the phone for the night at 9pm.
On the weekends we loosen it up and she can talk more often, but still for 15 min at a time. We've used the timer for almost a year now and she doesn't fight or question it anymore. It seems to work for us.
Good luck! I completely feel your pain--we have some of the same challenges in our house.
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