Major whine, ends in vent...sorry!

Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Major whine, ends in vent...sorry!
15
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 1:09pm

I want to press rewind or fast forward or something!! I whined about basically the same things a few months ago, so I apologize in advance!

Background: I was a military brat, who moved constantly - gave up on having friends and am very introverted. I am now a military wife - dh has been gone for going on 9 months, the next 6 months he will be gone and then the following 6 months we will still be separated (total of 21 months of separation from best friend #1). We do not live near a military base, but dh's family are all in close proximity.

Anyway, dd is 14 and just started high school. I miss her a lot, especially since she is my other best friend. She and dh have the identical personality and can make me laugh so hard and right now I really need laughter! Too bad all that is volunarily spoken to me now is "I need money" or "Can I have a ride?" I miss the days when as soon as she walked in the door, I got a blow-by-blow account of her day. Now I'm lucky to get a "hi mom". She still talks to me, I guess, but I have to ask questions, and I have to be careful how many I ask since apparently I ask too many questions!

I have learned that I do tend to live vicariously through her. She is everything I wasn't as a kid. I am very happy for her that she has her friends through everything with her dad being gone, but I want to be selfish and have her to myself every now and then.

I do have a ds10 as well, but talking to him is like pulling teeth. He is identical to me and sadly we aren't as close as she and I have been all these years.

We tried the family time thing and I hope to try and implement that again - but right now with her cheerleading schedule and having her social life, I'm guessing I will be met with resistance. And to be honest, sometimes the family time was quite painful with dh not being there or when dd and ds would end up fighting.

I don't know what to do. I have come up with 2 scenarios and I'm not sure which way to go:

a) Give her her space and just wait it out. I'm guessing if I do that, I'll never see her again, except for when she needs something.

b) Tell her how I'm feeling. But I feel guilty doing that as I don't want the weight of the world on her shoulders. I understand she needs to grow up and spread her wings and find her own way. I do know if I tell her, she will do everything in her power to help me through this. I'm just guessing it's not fair to ask of a 14 year old.

A lot of our issues over the past few weeks have been over a boy. I really have to learn to keep my mouth shut and keep my opinions to myself, but it's soooooooo hard when I see her getting played. She was dating a nice guy in her grade that adored her and I trusted with her. While he was visiting family out of state, she met the school "hunk". The day after they met, he started texting and calling and wooing her big time. She was very stand offish about the whole thing with him. She wasn't taking it seriously, but she did break up with boyfriend to see where it was leading with this other guy. Other guy apparently started wooing another girl (at a different school) shortly after he started w/ dd. He tells dd, he doesn't like the other girl that she likes him and he doesn't want to be mean. The whole school knows about dd and this guy and consider them dating although it's never been made official. He tells her he loves her blah blah blah - yet in his aim info he has this other girls name with hearts and she left him a myspace message about meeting him after the football game. Yet around all of his friends he is "with" dd....holding hands, kissing her, telling her he loves her.....AND he gets jealous when dd talks to/hangs out with other guys - she has tons of NICE guys that like her. This guys brother is good friends with dd and apparently fills the "hunk" in on what guys want to date dd. Today at school should be interesting, as yesterday it was just the freshmen and today is the first day with the upperclassmen as well. I'm curious to know what happens at school, such as does he still act like they are going out while at school, or is he going to ignore her. But I know I can't ask, and I know she won't tell me......ughhhhhhhh I hate this. I know I just have to be there for her when he breaks her heart, but why do they ALWAYS go after the jerks/players???!!!!!! She's always liked a challenge, so I definitely see this as a long road sort of deal. She made the decision to "try to win him" from the other girl that he supposedly doesn't like. I just hate to see her make an idiot out of her self chasing after him.....biting tongue, taking deep breaths and counting to a million!!!!! When she first found out about the other girl, she completely blew him off and he didn't fight it too hard - so what does she do?? She calls him a few days later to listen to him bs her...................................... okay I'll count to a zillion, I know, I know, I KNOW I have to keep my mouth shut.....

I know I'm making this guy out to be the bad guy and I don't mean to. He does seem like a nice guy - he texts her every morning when he wakes up just to say good morning and he texts her every night after they have been on the phone for 2 or 3 hours just to say good night. But he did just get out of a rocky 3 year relationship apparently - the night dd first met him - and I'm sure he wants to "play the field" to see whats out there.....hence the challenge that dd needs....

I sure wish she would find school work challenging and put this much energy into it!!!




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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 2:16pm

Reading your post makes me feel kinda glad that my dd14 doesn't tell me everything...yikes, what a soap opera. I'm soooooo glad I'm not a teen anymore.

I also cannot imagine what it must be like to be separated from your dh for so long!

Anyway, I just wanted to invite you to the book club we started down below in "polls, and games" - I would love to be your e-friend. I think a good solution to your problem would be to get out there yourself, get involved in church and community groups and start to carve out a group of friends of your own.

Also, make sure you spend quality time with ds10 - just because you've never been close doesn't mean you can't start now. Boys don't talk in the same way that girls do - but they still do. If I can entice mine into an 'argument', he'll talk for quite a while. Believe me, it won't be long before he is out that door and you'll rarely see him either so enjoy the time you have with him now. I have a ds10 too, and I love the fact that I can still hug and kiss him anytime I want.

Feel free to vent here anytime!

Marie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 2:28pm

It must be really hard to be separated from your DH for such a long time. I wish I could send my DH somewhere and get some time to myself, however. lol

Believe me, the stuff w/ your DD ignoring you and not having time for you is just going to get worse. It is just a natural part of development and don't take it personally. I have a 16 yo DSD and whenever my DH would whine that she never wanted to do stuff w/ him, I would say "when you were in h.s., did you hang around w/ your parents or your friends on the weekends?" His relationship w/ his DD isn't that good. She barely says hi to him unless she wants something.

My 17 yo DD and I have a good relationship although she can be annoyingly moody. She just called me from the car when she was driving her brother home from their dad's. She said she hoped that my DH would be home so the door would be unlocked so she wouldn't have to take the time to get out of the car to unlock the door for her brother because she was late for work. Now whose fault is that she didn't leave earlier? I miss the days before she got her license when I used to drive her & her friends to the movies or the mall and I could just listen in and find out what was going on. Now she has school, a part-time job, activites and she is just the type that does not like spending any time alone, so if she was not working this summer, she was out every night. During the school year, I see her more, cause she has to stay home and do homework. The only family time we have together is basically eating dinner or when we visit my mother. I do realize looking back on my earlier years, that I was like her and that as we get older, family becomes more important. I am still very close to my mother even though she lives an hour away.

IMHO, you need to get a life of your own and stop being so involved in your DD's love life. We both know things are probably not going to work out w/ this boy, esp. if he is so popular, but she will learn from experience, and she will probably have advice from all her friends. How old is this kid anyway? If he is older and she's only 14, I would be kind of worried and maybe watch how much time they are spending together. My DD hasn't really had a BF yet, but she will always pick someone who is unattainable for her crush. I just basically stay out of things involving her friends, unless she asks me. 2d) why don't you work on making some friends or doing some activites that you like while your DH is gone? If he has family around, I suppose they could watch your kids. I know you said you are shy and I find it kind of hard to take the initiative, but once you try, you might find out it's not so bad. Even if you get involved w/ PTA or if they have fundraising for mothers of cheerleaders, you will meet some new people in a situation where you have something to talk about and you won't need to rely on your DD for companionship.

Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 2:52pm

Yeah, I'm kicking myself that I've apparently been too over-involved all these years. I was never close with my mom growing up and I wanted to "fix" that with my daughter. Heck of a job I've done huh?? lol I've been a stay at home mom for 12 years and stupidly my life has revolved around them.

Ds and I are close in a different way - he's just not funny to talk to. DD is always embarassing herself and can laugh at herself and well tell everyone what she did/said. For example, yesterday was the first day of school for freshmen only. I picked her up after cheering practice. She gets in and says "I have all my classes with so and so, well except for 3." They only have 4 classes a quarter. It was hilarious and the entire truck cracked up over it. DS if he gets embarassed the world will end. He's just so much more serious and he's my little man of the house.

Funny you should mention the book club, because when that was first posted I looked at it. I have always loved reading, but I haven't really been doing too much of it lately with keeping up with the kids and the house. I would love to do it - I just can't do sad/depressing books right now.

I'm looking to getting "out there" just not sure where to begin. I was going to look into volunteering at the local animal shelter - then the darn thing closed on me LOL I need to do something to pass time, I just have to figure out what.

Thanks for the kind words, I needed to hear them!




Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 3:09pm

"It must be really hard to be separated from your DH for such a long time. I wish I could send my DH somewhere and get some time to myself, however. lol"

LOL In 15 years of being in the military, we've only been separated for 2 months at a time, I used to love those 2 months and if they ever got too far apart I'd be sure to ask when he was going somewhere again!!

"Believe me, the stuff w/ your DD ignoring you and not having time for you is just going to get worse. It is just a natural part of development and don't take it personally. I have a 16 yo DSD and whenever my DH would whine that she never wanted to do stuff w/ him, I would say "when you were in h.s., did you hang around w/ your parents or your friends on the weekends?" His relationship w/ his DD isn't that good. She barely says hi to him unless she wants something."

Yeah, I heard this a few months ago when I whined about it, but I guess I have been fighting it tooth and nail. I remember not wanting to be home in h.s. but I all these years thought it was because I wasn't close to my parents LOL, I stupidly thought, if my dd and I were close all this time nothing would change!!! You know, do better than my parents did!! Apparently it works the same, either way - quick learner aren't I?

"My 17 yo DD and I have a good relationship although she can be annoyingly moody. She just called me from the car when she was driving her brother home from their dad's. She said she hoped that my DH would be home so the door would be unlocked so she wouldn't have to take the time to get out of the car to unlock the door for her brother because she was late for work. Now whose fault is that she didn't leave earlier? I miss the days before she got her license when I used to drive her & her friends to the movies or the mall and I could just listen in and find out what was going on. Now she has school, a part-time job, activites and she is just the type that does not like spending any time alone, so if she was not working this summer, she was out every night. During the school year, I see her more, cause she has to stay home and do homework. The only family time we have together is basically eating dinner or when we visit my mother. I do realize looking back on my earlier years, that I was like her and that as we get older, family becomes more important. I am still very close to my mother even though she lives an hour away."

Yup, seems the only time we "talk" without me having to ask a million questions is when I am driving her and her friends around. This summer was hard. We did go on a family vacation to everyone here's part of the land (San Diego) LOL - and had a blast. Except for that - she was working, cheering, do gymnastics, having friends over, over at a friends, went on a school trip for a week, etc etc. I was not close to my mother until ironically I had my dd - now we are close, just not geographically unfortunately (or fortunately lol).

"IMHO, you need to get a life of your own and stop being so involved in your DD's love life. We both know things are probably not going to work out w/ this boy, esp. if he is so popular, but she will learn from experience, and she will probably have advice from all her friends. How old is this kid anyway? If he is older and she's only 14, I would be kind of worried and maybe watch how much time they are spending together. My DD hasn't really had a BF yet, but she will always pick someone who is unattainable for her crush. I just basically stay out of things involving her friends, unless she asks me. 2d) why don't you work on making some friends or doing some activites that you like while your DH is gone? If he has family around, I suppose they could watch your kids. I know you said you are shy and I find it kind of hard to take the initiative, but once you try, you might find out it's not so bad. Even if you get involved w/ PTA or if they have fundraising for mothers of cheerleaders, you will meet some new people in a situation where you have something to talk about and you won't need to rely on your DD for companionship."

I totally agree about getting my own life - it's going to be hard LOL but I'm taking baby steps! This guy is actually younger than her ex....this school system apparently had a thing for flunking kids at extraordinary rates as the majority of her class has there/are getting their driver's permits!! Anyway, this kid is 15, he's a sophomore but the football "star". She came to me about all this stuff and asked my opinion, apparently just so she could do the opposite. I'm doing a lot of soul searching to see what I can do about getting my own life LOL, not really too keen on getting out and meeting people since we are moving again. I do have all of his family, who I do see regularly, but I hate feeling like I am imposing.

Thanks - you were right on with everything, I appreciate every word.




iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 3:59pm

It is so hard to sit back and watch our babies learn from their own mistakes but that's what you will have to do with this guy. State your opinion once and only once unless she asks. If you do more than that, she will probably shut you out. Let her know once every 6 or 8 weeks that you miss spending time with her and see if she has time for a Sat shopping trip or picnic or whatever she likes to do. I used to get sneaky my DD and try to find things to do out of town so that we could have cartime - they tend to talk more in the car.

I can also tell you that you will get your DD back. It may not be until after she leaves home for college but she will be back. Youngest DD just left and has called on average 3 times a day to just talk.

Hang in there - it does get better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 5:39pm

Have you ever read the Debbie Macomber Cedar Cove series of books? They are "light like a feather" reading. I just read "50 Harbor Street". Picked it up at my gym, which does a book exchange. I'm an average reader but this is so easy I will finish it in 3 days, and it's alot like reading a soap opera, but nothing too heavy or dramatic ever happens. Kind of unrealistic, but hey, sometimes you read books because you want to get away from "real life".

Does your ds10's school need volunteers? You might begin there, even if it's in the front office helping answer the phones or copying. One of these days when I have more free time I would love to volunteer at the hospital - in particular, holding the preemie babies. Talk about getting your baby fix. I get mine by working in the church nursery the first Sunday of the month. I love holding the babies as it's been awhile since there was even one in my extended family. If I had more free time, I would take a class or two at the jr. college/extended education or maybe even online. These are just some ideas to get you going...

When you were young, before kids, what did you dream of doing? Maybe start there...


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 8:15pm

Hi ... just sending {{{hugs}}} your way. You've gotten some great advice and feedback already! In some ways, our lives are a bit similar. My DH isn't deployed anywhere but has a very demanding job and a hobby he is absolutely passionate about and that keeps him away from home. So, the major responsibilities of house, home and children fall on my shoulders.

I have a near 15yo DD who is a wonderful girl and to whom I am quite close. She is in hs now (10th grade) and attends a school that is an hour away by car. For convenience sake, she stays on campus until DH gets off work. His office is much closer to school than our home, so this just makes sense. DD is away from the house a great deal during the school year.

I have a 12yo DS who is home with me most often. He likes video/computer games, cartoons, etc. Things I really have no interest in. Yes, it is usually more fun to do girly things with our girls, BUT you can have fun with your DS too! He and I play tennis together, and he (unlike my DD, surprisingly) LOVES to shop, so we'll often go to the mall to wander around and see what's new. He doesn't like to shop for anything I like to shop for, but we have an ice-cream or something and cruise around. It's amazing how much you can find to talk about there!

Also like you, I am pretty lonely. We live in a community that hasn't been particularly welcoming. We've been here 8 years and I don't have friends. Plenty of acquaintances, but no real friends to have lunch with, chat with, etc.

I have found that I depend pretty heavily on this board for 'companionship' so to speak and feel like I have made some real friends here. I'm one of the people behind the book discussion group that is starting up. I've wanted to participate in one for a number of years, but have no friends to get one going with IRL, so thought I'd try it here. As Marie said, give it a try!

ANYWAY ... know that you are not alone in this world!

 

 

 

Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 8:46pm

Are those "happy" books? lol I will have to look into those. Thank you for the suggestion.

As far as volunteering at ds's school, I will look into it. I know they were asking for volunteers for the library. I'm *shockingly* one of those that is really uncomfortable around other *younger* kids, although when ds was in kindergarten I volunteered in his class and had a blast!! I had thought about the hospital as well, but it could be a little depressing under certain circumstances (can you tell I am "the glass is half empty" type of person!!) I was a legal secretary in my other lifetime and one of dh's aunts is a real estate agent, so I may look into volunteering at her office. We live in New England and I hate driving in the wintry conditions so we shall see....

When I was young I was very into horses and I rode horses all my life. I would love to get into that again, but for the fact it's an expensive sport and my bones are a lot older!!




Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 9:05pm

Thank you so much for your words of advice/comfort!

Our ds's sound very similar - he and I have discussed in the past working out together - running, buying a punching bag, etc so maybe that is something I should seriously look into. I've tried all the tricks with this kid trying to get him to talk - playing video games, holding him captive in the car, eating - he's just not a talker LOL

Our community, well how do I explain it - these people NEVER leave the area!! And it's all (much) older people and drinking is quite popular. I hate drinking.

I keep trying to mesh in with certain boards, but I'm not a very good advice giver so I feel so much like a taker and feel guilty not giving back.

Again, thank you :)




Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 9:17pm

I guess it's a learn as you go type of deal - I've done good tonight LOL - haven't stated my opinion AT ALL lol....haven't asked any questions either :( I'm officially out of the loop.

Car rides used to be our best times - now I have to ask questions or a word won't be exchanged. The music gets jacked up and I just sit there annoyed!

Like I said, I either want to rewind or fast forward time - I know I'll get her "back" eventually, so I guess that is something to look forward to!

Thanks you are right on with it all....




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