Major whine, ends in vent...sorry!

Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Major whine, ends in vent...sorry!
15
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 1:09pm

I want to press rewind or fast forward or something!! I whined about basically the same things a few months ago, so I apologize in advance!

Background: I was a military brat, who moved constantly - gave up on having friends and am very introverted. I am now a military wife - dh has been gone for going on 9 months, the next 6 months he will be gone and then the following 6 months we will still be separated (total of 21 months of separation from best friend #1). We do not live near a military base, but dh's family are all in close proximity.

Anyway, dd is 14 and just started high school. I miss her a lot, especially since she is my other best friend. She and dh have the identical personality and can make me laugh so hard and right now I really need laughter! Too bad all that is volunarily spoken to me now is "I need money" or "Can I have a ride?" I miss the days when as soon as she walked in the door, I got a blow-by-blow account of her day. Now I'm lucky to get a "hi mom". She still talks to me, I guess, but I have to ask questions, and I have to be careful how many I ask since apparently I ask too many questions!

I have learned that I do tend to live vicariously through her. She is everything I wasn't as a kid. I am very happy for her that she has her friends through everything with her dad being gone, but I want to be selfish and have her to myself every now and then.

I do have a ds10 as well, but talking to him is like pulling teeth. He is identical to me and sadly we aren't as close as she and I have been all these years.

We tried the family time thing and I hope to try and implement that again - but right now with her cheerleading schedule and having her social life, I'm guessing I will be met with resistance. And to be honest, sometimes the family time was quite painful with dh not being there or when dd and ds would end up fighting.

I don't know what to do. I have come up with 2 scenarios and I'm not sure which way to go:

a) Give her her space and just wait it out. I'm guessing if I do that, I'll never see her again, except for when she needs something.

b) Tell her how I'm feeling. But I feel guilty doing that as I don't want the weight of the world on her shoulders. I understand she needs to grow up and spread her wings and find her own way. I do know if I tell her, she will do everything in her power to help me through this. I'm just guessing it's not fair to ask of a 14 year old.

A lot of our issues over the past few weeks have been over a boy. I really have to learn to keep my mouth shut and keep my opinions to myself, but it's soooooooo hard when I see her getting played. She was dating a nice guy in her grade that adored her and I trusted with her. While he was visiting family out of state, she met the school "hunk". The day after they met, he started texting and calling and wooing her big time. She was very stand offish about the whole thing with him. She wasn't taking it seriously, but she did break up with boyfriend to see where it was leading with this other guy. Other guy apparently started wooing another girl (at a different school) shortly after he started w/ dd. He tells dd, he doesn't like the other girl that she likes him and he doesn't want to be mean. The whole school knows about dd and this guy and consider them dating although it's never been made official. He tells her he loves her blah blah blah - yet in his aim info he has this other girls name with hearts and she left him a myspace message about meeting him after the football game. Yet around all of his friends he is "with" dd....holding hands, kissing her, telling her he loves her.....AND he gets jealous when dd talks to/hangs out with other guys - she has tons of NICE guys that like her. This guys brother is good friends with dd and apparently fills the "hunk" in on what guys want to date dd. Today at school should be interesting, as yesterday it was just the freshmen and today is the first day with the upperclassmen as well. I'm curious to know what happens at school, such as does he still act like they are going out while at school, or is he going to ignore her. But I know I can't ask, and I know she won't tell me......ughhhhhhhh I hate this. I know I just have to be there for her when he breaks her heart, but why do they ALWAYS go after the jerks/players???!!!!!! She's always liked a challenge, so I definitely see this as a long road sort of deal. She made the decision to "try to win him" from the other girl that he supposedly doesn't like. I just hate to see her make an idiot out of her self chasing after him.....biting tongue, taking deep breaths and counting to a million!!!!! When she first found out about the other girl, she completely blew him off and he didn't fight it too hard - so what does she do?? She calls him a few days later to listen to him bs her...................................... okay I'll count to a zillion, I know, I know, I KNOW I have to keep my mouth shut.....

I know I'm making this guy out to be the bad guy and I don't mean to. He does seem like a nice guy - he texts her every morning when he wakes up just to say good morning and he texts her every night after they have been on the phone for 2 or 3 hours just to say good night. But he did just get out of a rocky 3 year relationship apparently - the night dd first met him - and I'm sure he wants to "play the field" to see whats out there.....hence the challenge that dd needs....

I sure wish she would find school work challenging and put this much energy into it!!!




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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 9:28pm

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O.M.G. We have THREE horses -- that is the 'hobby' that DH is so pre-occupied with. And you're darn right about the 'expensive' part!

And another thought ... do you think your DD is 'pulling away' because she perhaps feels you may be too needy or clingy? She may sense your dependence on her and is uncomfortable with it. It sounds like she doesn't need you as another girlfriend, she has plenty!, but really as her mother. I hope that doesn't sound harsh! I know there is a fine line between the two -- I probably rely on my DD a little more than I ought to, too. As moms, we want to be close to our DD's and have them feel comfortable coming to us with their concerns and issues, but we do need them (and us too) to know that we are independent and strong women all on our own! Oh gosh ... does that make any sense at all? LOL




Edited 8/31/2006 9:47 pm ET by hydrangea_blue

 

 

 

Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 9:48pm

Yup - as much as I love(d) riding, I don't see that in my near future!!!

What kind of horses/riding??




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 10:03pm

We must be posting simultaneously, lol.

We have 2 beautiful Arabs and a quarter horse and ride western, mostly just trail riding. One of the Arabs is my DH's and the other is my DD's, although she doesn't ride much. Her school load is enormous! Her horse is a retired Rush Creek Endurance horse that actually won a couple hundred-milers in his time. He is especially beautiful, gorgeous mane and tail, but rather bossy.

Our quarter horse is a dream horse. Gentle, well mannered and very well trained; a perfect beginner, family, trail horse. DS and I share him but once again, we don't ride often. It's been much too hot for so long and DS really doesn't enjoy it that much. I did go up today to turn them all out, give them a good brushing, etc. Anyway ... he's gorgeous too -- red dun with a dorsal stripe. His main is naturally curly/wavy, his tail is a little puny for his size, but it's several different shades of red and brown.

We are actually having some issues with the owners of the ranch where we board. They have been using him (quarter horse) regularly and as if he is belongs to them! And mostly without our permission, I might add. I'm pretty angry about the whole situation -- very long story, much too long to go into here and I'm sure you'd be bored with it anyway -- so one of my tasks this evening is to fire off an e-mail telling them to stop, without it sounding like I'm mad (even though I am) and without jeopardizing our relationship as boarders.

The only other boarding facility near here recently closed down so we hope we can get our own horse property in the near future, either here in California or if/when we move to the Colorado area.

Okay ... that's probably enough of that! I hope you have a pleasant evening. What part of the country are you living in?

 

 

 

Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 10:17pm

I'm green with envy lol

My first horse ever was an arab/morgan then from than after that we always had quarter horses. I first started riding when we lived in California and used to love trail riding out there in the mountains! I for the most rode english - started out riding hunters and doing equitation, then I got involved with pony club and got into the 3 day eventing, but mostly dressage. I did have a little palomino at one point that I did western with - he was awesome, but would go ballistic with the farrier!!

I never as an adult had to deal with boarding horses, but I remember lots of issues arising between my mom and those we were boarding with.

Right now we are living in Maine. We were in Germany for 7 years and that was killing me not to ride over there - I ALWAYS wanted a german warmblood. One of my trainers had one growing up and he was a DREAM!!

Yup extremely jealous!!




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 1:11pm
Ah, we had a beautiful boarding arrangement! We had a lovely Arab gelding and an Anglo-Arab mare, and we found a farmer who was willing to board them JUST because his wife loved to watch horses! We paid $25.00 a month, if you can believe it, plus bought the feed (but he was happy to do the actual feeding and watering). Then, of course, we moved to a different town and couldnt' find ANY boarding we could afford, and ultimately ended up selling the horses, believing we would some day, when our kids were older, buy new ones. That was 10 years ago!

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