Maxed out on stress-need suggestions

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Maxed out on stress-need suggestions
17
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 11:36am

Ok, you know I can't tell a 'short' story (haha), but here's the short of it.

I've been sick w/ respiritory crap for 2 wks. DH is sick with the same thing, only sicker. Dh broke arm 3 weeks ago and my helping hand is gone, my kids SAY they understand and will help out, but when asked, it is like pulling teeth. I need a root canal, DH needs a root canal, my housework is WAY behind (this doesn't usually stress me out, but it's out of hand at this point) and then we put Sunny to sleep.

yes, I know it sounds like every day life to many of you, but I'm used to the wonderful help of my DH--I'm USED to not shouldering everything on a daily basis----I'm ready to break this morning. I know it is because I'm so very tired.........DH was up all night coughing, I was up all night listening---my dog is gone, so it has been a stressful 36 hrs--so much of what I'm feeling is a result of being TIRED.

How do I get my kids to get off their healthy, fit REAR ENDS and help out........I hear that 'it's my house, so my rules' doesn't fly with many of you---so how do you get them to SEE that my stress level is maxed out (for the time being---until I can sleep again!!)and get them to HELP ME OUT......they argue over having to help, they argue over why THEY get chosen to do certain chores ('You KNOW I hate to do dishes....). They argue with being ASKED to do extra stuff................

So tell me, oh wise parents, how to get them to help out without standing over them making forceful demands, and threats. That causes just as much stress as doing it myself.......

I have a very nice life. I have lots of help at home (from hubby), and nobody stresses if the house isn't perfect---if I want to watch tv instead of housework....I do---no problems.......that is until now.........I can't keep up, and I can't get any help (DH has an excuse) I feel sooooo terribly under stress right now (which is not a common situation), so what do I do?

i also know it is temporary, so that helps a little, but for goodness sakes, wouldn't you think that able bodies kids would understand the need for a little 'pitching in"? Ok, yes they are teens, yes you are laughing, yes I know I'm wishing for the impossible.

I have a date with nyquil tonight, so maybe my attitude will have a full adjustment tomorrow.
thanks for the vent time.
Shels

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Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 11:58am

Okay, when I am at the point that you are at, which I was on Saturday...same deal, H and I have been sick, house is a wreck, dishes piling up, dogs smell, etc....I usually DO take care of everything, but I was literally at the end of a short rope and needed my perfectly healthy and capable dd's to H.E.L.P, A.S.A.P.

So, I did what any relatively normal, usually fair minded parent would do. I had a fit. Yup, I threw a big hissy fit and put an immediate halt to ALL of thier activities until OUR home was in ship shape order, everything cleaned, put away, all dishes washed and dried and put in the cabinets, dogs bathed and brushed, yard work done, laundry washed dried and folded and placed on everyone's bed to be put away. And you know what? Because I almost never throw a hissy fit and make immediate demands, it freaks them out and they hop to it. No questions asked.

I made a list of what needed to be done. I said it needs to be done well, to my standards and it needs to be done by Noon. I told them they could divvy up what needs to be done, but no one was leaving the house until everything on the list was completed to my satisfaction. And they did it. Even H who felt like crap got busy. I mean, I did too, but it was an entire family effort and we finished ahead of schedule - the house was spotless by 11:30 and all that was left was some laundry.

I normally don't make them do things my way, but if I didn't at least say I wanted it my way it all would have been done very half-assed, so I made that one of my demands. And you know what? I don't feel bad about throwing a hissy fit because I know that all the rest of the time I am available for driving them here and there, making dinners, cleaning up thier messes, making sure thier laundry gets done, and going food shopping. I enjoy doing yard work, so I do that also. But I really needed help and when you need help, you should be able to rely on your family.

So, go throw a hissy fit and whip those kids into action! It's not like you do it all the time...and I hope you feel better real soon. I am still sick.

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 12:11pm

First off, {{{{shels}}}}. Second, any chance of even a 1/2 hour nap? I took that chance Sunday when ds was at the peak of his fever and dh was watching football, and it felt great. Remember, ds has a broken hand and the high temp, but he's always terribly helpful (not always timely but he is considerate). And dh is home, but getting him to think intuitively of what should be done (like put washer stuff in dryer, put new load in washer) just doesn't seem to be something he does consistently - cracks me up, but also drives me nuts! (and of course all the cat mess is mine...) My guys are pretty good at helping (my job has gotten terribly demanding this year) but sometimes I just have to beat them over the heads with the obvious. But they don't seem to mind that, so that's the best I can do!

Sue, who can definitely relate

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 12:25pm

Oh, you made me smile---Thank you!! I think I will throw that hissy fit---I may even add some guilt! I spent yesterday doing all the boys' laundry--I was uptight and nervous over the dog thing, and felt the need to 'do something' for them......so I did what THEY ususally do--their laundry---it was so nicely folded---socks matched (they just throw them in a drawer and match them up as they need them....and if they don't match, that is ok with them too)........and my youngest had the NERVE to get mad at us for 'going in his room and messing w/ his stuff......" I nearly blew a gasket over that one....but anyway, I may throw that little chore (they dont need to know I had tons of nervous energy and felt the need to do something nice) back at them in my hissy fit.

After the hissy fit I'm going to get gussied up in an oversized t-shirt, meet my main man NyQuil, watch Amazing race and GO TO BED.

Shels

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 12:37pm

Don't you just hate it when everything all hits at once! I would suggest that and DH sit down with kids and simply say "We can't do it all at any point in time but certainly not right now. Dad has broken hand, dad is sick, I'm sick and we're all upset over loosing our pet. Please give us a few days of help without arguing. I know some of things I may specifically ask each of you to do are not your favorites - they're not mine either but they must be donee. I don't ask alot of you so please help us out here so that we can get well and things can return to somewhat normal around here." Honestly, that would work with my kids - at least for a couple of days.

The long-term fix is much harder and you probably need to start assigning specific chores to each child (I too need to do this). And maybe rotate them around every now and then so that no one person always has to scrub the toilet. I used to attach chores to allowance but somehow that has gone by the wayside - may have to revisit that.

Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 12:40pm

No nap today--working. I have two 'exciting' dates today, tho....one with the endodontist (for my root canal eval----don't want one, can't afford one.......but need one), and then as I mentioned in my other post, this evening with my main man Ny Quil---he's a life saver. He's there when I need him, he's comforting, and the quiet restfulness he provides is a dream! He sort of leaves a fog the next morning, but it's worth it. haha.

Why is it when we are tired, we get weepy? OR at least I do........I am not a cryer--MY DH and I had marital problems 10 yrs ago, and I went SO FAR out of my way to not let him see me cry, and that little issue has stuck w/ me over the years........but when I'm tired, the waterworks start. It's insane. Had I not been up all night listining to the cough factory and feeing blue about my doggie, all the other stuff would be so much easier to deal with. Rationally I know this, but do you ever have those moments when you KNOW you are being irrational and are powerless to stop it? You know you are being unreasonable and NUTS, but you just keep right on? That's where I'm at today.

I'm sorry your son is so sick. Is it just the crud or is the flu starting already? We haven't had fevers, just achiness and lots of coughing.......I hope he's feeling better.

My DH finally today went to the Dr and was just told that it is an upper respiritory infection-----gee,that's helpful.......as if we didn't already KNOW that.............hmmmm, I suppose the deep, severe coughing gave it away...........

Shels

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 12:49pm

Tobylady, I did do that--I told each boy that dad is out of comission (this is before he was sick) and I would need help. They both SAID they'd pitch in without complaint. Well, you know the ending of THAT little fairytale.........

We reap what we sow, and I've never made my kids to alot. They do their own laundry, one cleans the bathroom floor and our foyer the other takes out the trash and does a few extras now and again as asked. They took turns with dishes over the summer---other than that, they behave as if I'm abusing them for asking for anything else. I know it is normal for kids to do this, but where is the compassion? Can they not see that that I really need to count on them? Nope--I remember being that age, and if it wasn't about me, then it didn't matter..............what a shame (for me doing that then, and them doing it now).

I'm just being a baby today---I know it---but you are right, when it all hits at once it's a mess.

This has just been my 2 days to boo hoo, I suppose. I am a true believer in 'tomorrow will be better'. I'm sure counting on that!!

Shels

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 12:56pm

DH and ds said that school said strep is rampant. I hope it's not leading to that; so far, just chest congestion, nasal congestion and fever; down around 99.6 today, so a bit better. Creeping crud.

I hear you on the crying. For me, dh will just say, "It's after 9:30(pm) - we can talk tomorrow" - he knows I can get totally irrational or definitely more emotional if kept up late! But yeah, I definitely have also thought inside my brain, "Why am I doing this?" when I know it's not the rational thing to be doing at the moment. Hormones? No clue, but it drives me nuts. I don't cry much, but on occasion I can yell for no apparent reason. Weird. But when I DO cry, dh ignores me, which to me, makes it worse.

So they both decide to call me at work and just ramble on this morning after I've been in 2 hours of meetings...and I'm swamped with work stuff. They're driving each other nuts at home, both avoiding things they don't want to be doing, as if I have that option when I get home. Calgon....

Anyway, I can definitely commiserate.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 1:10pm

Shels,
I do all the housework chores except killing bugs (dh handles that task) and the few chores that dd handles. Last winter I tore my ACL (not skiing or slipping on the ice as I was repeatedly asked in ER but.... well, I tripped over a chair in the movie theater much to dd's everlasting mortification!!). We simply told dd that she had to help with house things before she did anything else. This meant before computer time, before tv time - even homeowork.

As to the arguements. Calmly tell them ahead of time that they might not like it, but you are simply going to tune them out if they complain because the work has to be done no matter what. Then clap your hands over your ears and hum or do whatever zen magic necessary and disengage.

Be firm. Don't ask - tell. And, if all else fails, throw yourself one heck of a hissy.

jt

ps Have fun with Mr. NyQuil

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 1:10pm

You know I did wonder to myself why would my kids respond to that. I came up with the oldest is just incredibly responsible (she no longer lives at home so she's not much help) and the youngest knows that if the job doesn't get done, I will call her at the most inconvenient time and make her come home and do it right. Did that not long ago - b/f was in town and she rushed through cleaning her bathroom so she could leave. She also didn't put up her laundry that I did. So I called her and asked her why she didn't do those things - she said she thought the bath was fine and she would get her laundry later. I simply said the bath's not fine and later is now. She asked what I wanted her to do - I said come home and finish what you are supposed to do. She whined a little b/c b/f was in town. I told her she could come home and finish her chores or come home and stay home - her choice. She shut, made the 30 minute drive, came home and did her chores and then left again.

I hate being that way but she does things pretty well know when I ask her - I just wish I didn't have to ask her! she can see - it needs to be done and it's her mess. But we are making progress.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 2:26pm

Hey Shels ... sorry you are having a crummy day. Well, crummy THREE days I guess.

I'm much like heartsandroses, and do just about everything around here. Comes a time though, when my alter-ego, PsychoMom, takes over my brain and body and it's typically not very pretty. Puts a whole new dimension on the term 'hissy-fit'. Sometimes a moms' gotta do what a moms' gotta do and I must say, it works.

I don't exactly tie chores in with allowances but give my kids allowance mostly to teach them money management skills (DS is failing miserably, BTW) but do also tell them it's not exactly a 'no strings attached' gift. When I ask them to do something, I expect them to do it without whining and complaining. There was a time when there were entirely too many socks floating around the house and I started dinging allowances .25$ for every sock I found. Kinda sorta worked.

I once knew a mom once who took that a step further and deducted 10% of her kids' allowances whenever chores/jobs didn't get done, i.e., 'if that garbage can is still overflowing when I come back from this errand, 10% of what's left of your allowance will be gone." That totally worked for her.

But ... back to PsychoMom ... Sunday night I could not sleep. DH was snoring so I gathered up my equipment and headed downstairs in the dark to the couch. Tripped over a pair of roller blades, knocked over DS' bow and quiver of arrows that were propped up against the couch causing quite a ruckus and ended up lying on DS' sweatshirt which was wadded up into the corner of the couch. Ugh! I was not happy!

PsychoMom intervened. DS heard ALL about my nocturnal mishaps on the way to school yesterday in a not very loving tone, I'm afraid and was in tears by the time I got him to school and I felt perfectly awful! Rode the mommy guilt train around all day long.

When he saw me sitting there waiting for him after school, he just about burst into tears again and said "I'm so happy you're still alive". He was so sad all day, he said. He was convinced that because he was mad at me when he got out of the car that morning that that would have been the day I was killed in a car crash, and that he would never see me again and never again get the chance to tell me he loved me. OMG! Now, that was a little tear jerker.

I took him and bought him the game for his PS2 that he's been wanting.

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