Me and my mom all over again
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 01-03-2007 - 8:06pm |
Hi, I hate to introduce myself this way, but my 14 year old daughter hates me and wants to move in with her dad and I'm beside myself.
this could get long so I'l try to be as concise as possible. I'm a single mom but the girls dad is very involved. They (3 girls) have always lived with me since the divorce. I'm not a perfect mom, and I'm hard on myself about my mistakes. Everyone else is, too, but that's another story. My mistakes AREN'T things like drinking, doing drugs, bringing home men, not paying the electricity bill. I love my kids, and do the mom stuff without fail. they have never been abondoned or gone hungry. I've never beaten them except in my imagination occasionally. Some may think they are spoiled, the have nice things and have never had to live in a dump.
Now for my faults. I'm impatient. I've got a "strong personality". I'm very direct, sometimes lacking tact and diplomacy. I point things out to people that make them mad. I'm decisive, which freaks peple out who don't like change... like my kids. that's where things have really fallen apart. My kids have moved 4 times since they started school. I have gradually learned over time just how much they hated it. It's something I regret, and would change if I could. I failed them in this area. Now, I had "good" reasonas for moving each time.. a better job, buying my first house, selling house to go back to school while I can still do it on the governments dime. Not bad reasons like being evicted or following a boyfriend to Idaho. But the effect was the same. My youngest daughter is so angry with me for moving her (among other things) that she wants to move in with her dad. i know it's not that simple, that she's been building up her dislike over years, but this has brought it to a head, along with simply being a teen.
She can't move in with dad bwcause he works swing shift. Working 3pm-2am would mean she would be alone ALL THE TIME. Obviously not a good plan. She's angry and refuses to see that it would be wrong f me to allow it. Her dad is unfortunatley unable to be honest with her and deal with her anger, so he tells her that he wants her to move in with him but she can't because I won't allow it. It sucks that I have to be the bad guy all the time, but thats how it is with him. Of course she loves him and thinks her life would be swell if she lived with him. Ugh, I'm rambling, but I need to get some of this out. you can skip to the question at the bottom if you want to.
Most of us know how insanely unreasonable a teen girl can be. There is no logic at all living in my daughters head at this time. I know this is true because I can remember what it felt like to be that age and feel like that about my mom. But I can see it from an adult point of view now, too.
She has declared the following in no uncertain terms: I hate you. there is nothing you can do to make me happy. It doesn't matter if you're sorry, I'm not going to forgive you or like you or love you. I'm not going to make friends here because I don't trust you not to make me move again and leave them. the only thing that will make me happy is if you let me move to dad's. the only thing that will make me happy is if I never have to see you again.
Please understand, I believe my daughter has some legitimate reasons to be unhappy with choices I've made. I've been harder on myself about my mistakes than my mother ever was. I have not blamed her for her unhappiness. I've apologized. I understand that it takes time to get over anger and hurt. I've expressed this to her. I've also gotten frustrated and angry at her for being disrespectful to me and justifying it because she hates me and doesn't care how I feel. (her own words)
I'm at a loss. I don't want her to waste the next 4 years with me being miserable. I know that she has to decide that she is going to let it go and get on with it. I can't force her to get happy. I can only move forward and try to be patient and treat her respectfully.
Here is my question. She keeps telling me how much she hates me. I have a huge problem with this, obviously. it hurts. it also makes me anry. It feels like abuse and it also is hypocrytical because this kid who hates me has no problem accepting a gift from me that she really wants, then continuing to give me the cold shoulder and mutter about how much she hates me. How would you handle this? I won't accept her behavior, as much as I'm so sad that she's unhappy. I feel that she needs to be able to tell me how she feels, but just spewing out I hate you's feels like an attack. I also made her angry by pointing out that she takes from me without giving back the most basic, which is respect. I am torn between ignoring it and continuing to behave as a loving mother, driving her places, giving her things, and stripping it down to the basics... food, clothing and shelter, and giving her a taste of what it would be like if I really didn't care about her happiness.
I need help. My heart is hurting, and I know hers is too. I feel like I'm trying to communicate with an alien. Do I make an issue if she tells me she hates me out of the blue, r just suck it up and figure it's the price of being a parent?
help
Heather
Edited 1/3/2007 9:19 pm ET by heatherisnotaweed

Pages
Heather,
Stay on this board a while and you will see that 14 yo girls are not, for the most part, particularly fond of their mothers. When my dd was 13 we had the "year from hell". She hated me too - only I had the pleasure of discovering her tirades about me when I was doing internet monitoring. It was difficult to read those things about me, from the girl who used to love me so much she wrote me love notes on a daily basis (btw, I kept those notes). Just to let you know, they don't always have a reason to hate you, not that your dd has one either, but in my dd's case she hated me because I was keeping her from spending time at the home of her best friend - (a very dysfunctional family, long story). Her former best friend is now hooked on drugs, truant, an occasional runaway, and of course, sexually active. Her parents have no idea what to do with her because they have always given her everything she ever wanted, fearing that she might be mad at them or hate them, God forbid. Look where that got them.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you are a good mom, the way you have described yourself to be, and your dd hates you on occasion, you must be doing something right. If possible, I would definitely cut down on the moving if you could. Can you make a pact with her, kind of "concrete" and tell her you will NOT be moving again without first considering her feelings? She probably won't believe you, but it might tell her that you are considering her feelings. At her age, imo, a big move, such as one that might take her to another high school for instance, should really be considered as a family. But don't beat yourself up for making the choices you've made in the past. Some day your kids will be gone and out of the house, and you don't want to regret not making some good decisions that improved your own life. There has to be a balance.
As for the ex situation, that would make me very angry as well. It would make me angry enough to try to pin him down - for instance, suggesting that he hire a sitter while he is at work to pick dd up from school, watch her do her homework, etc. He doesn't want to pay the money? Then he needs to tell dd that.
Pages