Meeting Their Date

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2005
Meeting Their Date
20
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 4:06pm
I was just wondering what other parents do about meeting the person their son or daughter, especially daughter, is going on a date with. My 17 yo DD has only had one real boyfriend that lasted almost a year. A guy from school called her today and asked her to "hang out" with him, and I told her we would like to meet him first. She got all freaked out over it and thought it was weird to ask him to meet us. I told her to just ask him to hang out at our house and not say to meet mom and dad. She said she wants to get to know him or at least go on a date once and then have him over so she won't give him the wrong idea and make him think she likes him when she doesn't know him that well. He doesn't have his license yet so we wouldn't get the chance to meet him when he picked her up because she would be the one picking him up, which I'm not real crazy about. Just wondering what other people do...do you expect to meet the person or do you just let them go without meeting them?
Thanks

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Avatar for ivillage_sista
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: rue_16
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 4:26pm

My prefrence is to always MEET the date. Now if it is a Group thing and I know a few of the teens and they are meeting up with a few more that I dont know, then that is ok but for a one on one date I ask to meet them 1st before the date even takes place.


Good luck & I can't wait to see what others here suggest.


Real

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: rue_16
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 5:27pm
your house, your kid YOUR RULES! If you want to meet the guy before she goes out with him, then she can either agree to bring him by the house for a Coke before they go hang out, or you can go with her to pick him up. There isn't any reason for her to hide this guy, and if it's not ok for you to meet him FIRST, then it's not ok for her to go out with him. She can just tell him her mom insists on meeting all her FRIENDS, moms are just weird that way. She can tell him how lame it is or whatever she wants, but he needs to come to the house and meet you. What teen will turn down a coke and a bowl of chips?? 10-15 minutes tops, you'll have met him enough to be satified, and they will have something more to talk about (how lame her mom is! LOL) She doesn't know it yet, but she will eventually be very happy that you know her friends.
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: rue_16
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 10:29pm

My daughters don't go out with ANYONE I haven't met face to face, even if it's just a friend and not a date. I always wanted (and still do) to know who they are with and a face to match the name - I always joke to my dds that it's so I can give a good description to the police should I have the need - ;0P

You are totally within your parental rights to expect a meet-and-greet before your dd/ds goes out on a date. My God, my mother used to humiliate me in front of dates by asking them all sorts of questions. I usually only ask for full names, where they live and thier phone numbers. I save all the nosy stuff for the second date. In fact, I wanted to add, that I expect (and my dds deliver) that whoever they are going out with MUST come inside and say hello first - no matter if it's the first time of the 50th. I hate that whole horn honking business or shout outs. I want to make sure they're not under the influence or someone else. Besides, it's respectful, considerate, polite and safe. Anyone who won't come inside to meet my dds' parents isn't someone I'd want them out with anyway.

Avatar for ivillage_sista
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: rue_16
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 11:41am

LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
In reply to: rue_16
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 6:06pm
In theory, I agree with you 100% but what's to stop her from telling you she's meeting someone that you know and approve of at the local hang-out and then meeting up with the new date. I can tell you that if I pushed meeting the new guy with my DD that's exactly what she would do. I would tell her that I would prefer to meet him but you understand if she's not okay with that then insist on his name, cell phone number and his home phone number. She's 17 and has a car - at some point, you will have to trust her judgement.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
In reply to: rue_16
Sun, 07-30-2006 - 10:07am

You know, she could go out with this guy only one time and then who cares what he was like? I'd say leave the intros until she decides she might want a more permanent relationship with him. If you insist so much, she might decide to not even tell you she's going out with a guy at all (thats what I did, quite honestly). So better to keep the lines of communication open.

At the very least insist knowing his name and a little bit about him (ie what school he goes to, where she knows him from etc.) just to ensure she is being smart about the whole thing.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
In reply to: rue_16
Sun, 07-30-2006 - 10:02pm

What stops them from lying to you & sneaking around, is the knowledge that they are defying, hurting and betraying you, and that if you find out, in addition to being sad & hurt, you will be EXTREMELY ANGRY. If you ALWAYS BEGIN from a position of expecting them to follow rules with morality, dignity, & respect, then they are less likely to defy you, because that means they would have to make a conscious decision to hurt and disrespect you, as well as suffer your wrath. And hopefully that little voice in their head telling them to make good decisions, & that you will KILL THEM if they don't, will help keep them on the path. If you begin by deciding they will just defy you anyway, might as well let them do what they want, you have ALREADY abdicated your authority AND responsibility. You have failed to put that little voice in their head. And of course, sometimes they'll STILL make poor decisions, but hopefully not as many. And hopefully, no fatal ones.

BTW, the rule with our dds was they did not go out with friends of WHATEVER sex or age till we had met them, obtained names and phone numbers, & sometimes even met parents. And they NEVER were allowed to simply take the car & go to the "local hang out". We always got a specific destination, & often conferred with the other parents. And who knew.... we might just be driving by that place some time later, or have to call the parent of who they said they'd be with, & if they weren't where they were supposed to be...

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: rue_16
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 12:23pm

My 18dd's BF came inside to pick her up for thier first date *almost* two years ago. I asked him to please write down the year, make and model of his car, with license plate number and his cell phone.

After they left I picked up the piece of paper he put the info on. He added his full name and address, his home phone, his parent's name, his blood type, religion, and social security number! Wisea$$. H and I laughed our butts off!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: rue_16
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 3:32pm

The only real date my 17 yo DD had before the jr. prom was last year (so she was 16). The boy was someone she worked with. I told her he had to come to the house so I could see him, but it was just hi and they left. I don't know what I would say if I had him come into the house and unless there is something really strange about the person, what would you get out of a 10 min. conversation anyway? At that time, the boy didn't have a license, so I think his aunt had to drop them off at the movies. Then it turned out they never went out again and she ended up hating him. lol So I don't think I would make such a big deal about it.

Of course when she went to the prom, I made them come over so we could take pictures and my ex and his wife came over too. I'm sure the kid was ready to die of embarrassment, but then they had to go to his parents' house so they could take pics.

Most of the time, she hangs out in a group. I know the kind of friends my DD hangs out with. Some of them I have known since 1st grade and they are all good kids--no drinking or smoking so pretty much I trust her judgment.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: rue_16
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 3:58pm

"So better to keep the lines of communication open."

I think that by getting to know who your kid is spending his/her time with IS RIGHT in line with keeping the lines of communication open. If by making it mandatory to meet each friend my dds hangs out with is something that would shut down or hinder the lines of communication, then we have bigger problems, IMO.

If my dds (and they have at times) become unhinged because I won't allow them to go off in a car with another kid, his parents, aunt, uncle or friend of a friend, then so be it. I couldn't give a rat's you-know-what if that upsets them. Once my dd gets into someone's car, or goes out with a kid I have never met and whose name I cannot put a face to, I am taking the chance that I may never see them again, danger will come thier way, they could die in a crash, not come home on time for some reason and I'd have no way of getting hold of them or at the very least having a frame of reference (as in cell or home number of friend).

Since when does fear that our teens may get upset by our questions overrule thier safety? Even at 18, my dd is expected to give the who, where, when & why when she goes out - and she complies because we have awesome lines of communication. It is what it is and always has been. You can't back down every time your teen balks at a request, can you?

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