"misdirected kids"

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
"misdirected kids"
1
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 10:20pm

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I just read this in Daddioes post about the song lyrics. I can't remember offhand who posted it but WOW i couldn't have said it better. That line had such an impact on me. Not only are these kids sent to us to learn but also to teach us.
A while back I posted about my daughter dating a misdirected kid and how very involved in his life we had become. He had a horrible homelife and had seen more than his fair share of trouble. We absolutely fell in love with this kid and did everything we could to give him a better life. We even offered legal help to get him out of his mothers care because she is an abusive drug addict. After his guidance counselor advised him to "stop wasting his time and just quit school", we fought like crazy to keep him in school. We helped him get a job and were planning to get his permit. Unfortunately the effects of drugs in his life had a greater impact on him than we could. He felt he didnt deserve to be treated so well to be a part of a "family". He had never felt so much love and acceptance before, he couldnt handle it. Two days after Christmas he decided he needed time to think. Nobody had heard from him for 2 days and finally after a series of frantic phone calls we found out he had been staying at a friends. He was so overwhelmed by everything we had done for him it scared him. He confessed that he had been lying to my husband and I about many things all along, the biggest of all was the fact that he had not given up his drug habit. He decided that although his own family was not perfect he needed to give them a second chance, which I completely understand. However, he broke up with our dd (which in the long run we have seen as a blessing) totally devestating her. He promised to keep in touch because I was in his words, more of a mother to him than his own. It has been almost 2 months, both my dd and I have spoken to him maybe twice, only because we made the first call. He has not been around to visit and we hear from friends that he has made some very curious changes in his life.
My daughter has been through such a depression because she loved this kid so much. She finally has decided to get on with her life and has been goin out with friends to have some fun. I walked around for weeks crying everytime I heard some of his music or when someone would bring up his name. I did run into him once with friends and I froze,I could not speak, I went to my car and cried my eyes out. I later heard it had upset him too because he thought I hated him. I feel as though one of my own children has died, he was that special to me. I have been told so many things that he had done while he was a part of our family, so many truths are coming out now that I should hate him but I cant. I was in denial to the fact that he could have used us and hurt us as badly as he had. I truly believed I could still help him but am now realizing that he needs to WANT the help. I am slowly accepting the fact that he is no longer one of my "children", it still hurts like crazy and despite it all I still love him as my own and worry like crazy about him.
I cant even begin to explain how but I have learned so much from this kid and the whole experience. He will forever have an impact on my life.

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 12:16pm
It was I who posted the "misdirected kids" thing. After a few years with teens now, I really think we need to try do help some of the kids' friends who don't seem to have much guidance. If they are uncomfortable with it, they will leave (which is fine). But some of them really just need a place to go where they are listened to and treated with respect. Hopefully, they will learn respect too. Sounds like you got pulled in really deep and had a hard time giving up. Sometimes kids want to change their situation and sometimes they don't. Give yourself a break, you did the best you could. He didn't want any more. Not your fault. Let him go; it is your dd you are ultimately responsible for and if he chose not to abide by your house rules and could not share affection, then he is better off not around you. If, however, he decides he made mistakes and would like to change a few things... that is a different story. You have to have your standards.
Debbie
Debbie