More advice needed on DS
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| Tue, 05-16-2006 - 10:40am |
Hi everyone!
I need more advice from all of you. I think most regular members are familiar with the situation with my DS. He will be 18 July 18 and still has not been actively looking for work or actively doing much of anything. I have given him a deadline of July 23 to either a) come up with a job or b) move out. He is aware of this deadline as I remind him weekly. His life now consists of sleeping odd hours, usually during the day, getting up, showering, having something to eat, maybe watching TV with me for a bit, then going over to his friend's house that is 19 and doesnt work or do much of anything besides play video/computer games. (This boy's dad passed away about 8 months ago, left him and his mom a huge amount of money so the mom buys this boy everything he wants so he has no reason to work). The mom does deliver morning papers so most times at 3 in the morning when she picks up her papers, she drives him home (my son said she likes him) or he spends the night. (When I wake up for work at 6 am and see his shoes arent at the door I pretty much figure thats what he did).
Why July 23rd deadline you say? Well, for a few reasons. It gives him until the Sunday after he turns 18 to come up with a job - he always says when he's 18 he'll have more opportunities (probably another excuse). We live in a small town so not much here for him - he has to go into the city. I also am planning on buying him a beater car, insuring it for a few months so he has no excuse about transportation. Also, my 13 year old daughter will be away at summer camp during that time and I dont want her around if there happens to be any confrontation. She is an anxious child as it is and doesnt need anymore stress.
So in the interim do I just wait it out for a couple more months until this deadline? He isnt doing drugs, I'm 99.99 percent sure of that, however they probably are drinking a bit but not much. He's never been much into the drinking scene and has cut off friendships with other kids because THEY were doing drugs. They are both really into gaming and since this kid's mom is always buying him the latest and greatest games every week, I think thats all they are doing. I do check his computer in his room regularly (he doesnt know I know his password) on what sites he's been visiting, email, etc. and nothing out of the ordinary there.
The thing that is probably bugging me the most is his lack of consideration. He just comes and goes when he pleases. Last night when I went to bed, he was in his room at 10:00. I asked him if he was staying home and he said yeah. I woke up this morning at 6:00 and he was gone. I phoned his friend's house this morning and he was there of course. When I asked what he was doing he said playing video games. I got angry and said next time to leave me a note or wake me up - I dont care what time it is. He said Why? I said because I'm your mom, you live under this roof and you can't come and go as you please all the time - he just said whatever. He spends every evening there and I've asked him if he has ever heard of "wearing out one's welcome". He said they dont care that he's there, his mom likes him and if his friend didnt want him over he'd say so.
So you can all see what I'm dealing with. (My husband is useless and has just chosen to close his eyes to all of this). Do I just wait things out for the next 2 months until his deadline and then act as planned or do something now?

I wonder if throwing a few questions your way might help. If you remind him daily about his upcoming deadline, do you think it will help him? When his deadline comes, are you really going to show him the door, knowing he has no job and no money?
When I was a kid my parents let it be known that either we attended school or we had a job. For some reason, all 3 of us took them seriously and either had the job or were enrolled in school.
I went to high school with a boy whose parents had the same rule. He chose to ignore the rule. When he turned 18, he was shown the door. He hated his folks for a few years. He truly lived in his car for some of the time. After a few years, he grew up and reestablished a relationship with his parents thanking them.
My own daughter is 16. While I'll still remind her of some things, there are other things I just let go. Sometimes our kids have to make some mistakes in order to learn and in order to make decisions. I always look at me. I made tons of mistakes, but I turned out quite ok. While it's tough, I do let her make choices and decisions that I don't agree with. Sometimes she comes back and says she knows it was a bad choice, and other times she comes back and tells me she's glad she made that choice.
Not sure if my words have been helpful. I know the choices you are making are very tough ones.
Audrey :)
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Audrey :)
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Hmmmmm. My inclination is to stick to the deal. Does your kid really believe you will toss him out? A friend of mine is dealing with a similar situation, except her son is a big loser who quit HS. She keeps threatening to throw him out and gives him deadline after deadline. He of course doesn't believe she will actually throw him out, and of course she never does. They are both in a sick relationship, but thats not your question.
Does this kid really believe you're serious? It might make it more real if you gave him some empty boxes, you know, to help him get ready to move. Not in a confrontational kind of way, just matter of fact. Here you go honey, you'll be needing some of these. Maybe even pack up a couple of pots and pans and a dish towel for him. My parents never kicked me out, I left the MINUTE I graduated. My mother was merciful and bought me some cheapo starter stuff to make it easier for me. It was very humane. You forget how expensive it is to start out. Plates, glasses, salt, towels, alarm clock, a chair, a can opener.
I agree with the OP's, but I have to add that I think you need to do something now. He sounds very immature for his age, and he needs a big wake up call. I don't think I'd have the heart to throw my kid out on the street without a job or a place to stay. I sincerely hope you have the strength to follow through, because you should realize that if you don't, NOTHING will ever change. He will not believe any threats you make again. When you make a threat, be prepared to follow through.
You asked if you should do something now - like the OP said, either a job or school. Why wait until the deadline to find a job? He should be working now- he will need some time to save up money to get into an apartment. Sit down with him and look over the ads for apartments, etc. Help him with a budget. Go with him to establish a checking account; teach him about balancing, etc. He doesn't sound like he's in any way, shape or form ready to go out into the world. I would not be able to send mine into the world without some help and preparation. Good luck.
I agree to start looking at apartments with him. I know you dont feel you should not have to do it all but taking this step will show your resolve(and perhaps strengthen it)
Set up a day or two in advanace with him that you will be checking out apartments Thursday at 5(whatever time works for you and he is least likely to try to head for the friends)IOW give him warning like you would give an adult(as opposed to 'get off the couch-we are looking at apartments NOW' which is, of course what you WANT to do)
Otherwise, I would not remind him; honestly, he probably sees it as a sign of weakness. Find concrete ways to show him you are serious like the boxes someone suggested-going through his clothes to see what hes outgrown so he has less to carry-going through your linens and giving him the old ones("are you planning on getting a furnished apartment or taking your bed-we really need to know what size sheets you'll need")
You get the picture
The friend is the fly in the ointment.
I wasnt happy when the mom of my sons GF took them in but she did end up charging rent after awhile(I think they skated a few months)
And the lack of privacy(she runs an in home day care)drove them out. They just got their own apartment last Thursday!
But yeah, I was upset with that arrangement-I felt like I was being thwarted in my attempt to give him a much needed dose of reality- but I dont know what you can do except hope they wear out their welcome. My son too was well liked(I think there were some rather slanted stories about his horrible parents to help things along ;))
So yes, I think you should be doing something to move things along now but keep it businesslike and factual like he has already made his decision(which he has by not doing anything)
And bite your tongue when you want to say "you know we wouldnt be having to do all this if you would have just......"
Come tell us instead
My poor guy wiped out his savings for security deposits(extra because they have a pup)-months rent ahead(and he IS a saver so he had a stash)Moved in the apartment Thursday and Saturday his car died-needs 1000 bucks worth of work
WE told him to come over tonight to talk and we'll do what we can to help
He IS working and doing CC part time; hes come a long way from the way he was at 18 up all night playing video games. I figure he has earned our help but it took me calling and offering-he didnt ask for a red cent
Im proud of him
There is hope!!! Hang in there