More Driving Issues - WWYD?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
More Driving Issues - WWYD?
4
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 3:52pm

Lately, ds16 (17 in October - egads) has been catching rides to the mall which is about 20 miles from our small community, with the neighbor kid he's friends with. Anyway, it turns out this kid has only had his license for 7 months, not the required year with the new law. It seems this has been going on for sometime, and the kid gets away with it because parents are always working, never home! It's a sad commentary that they live across the street and we have never met but you have to understand newer California neighborhoods to get it - (Julie, are you listening?). I know my kid is not the one breaking the law, but still...ds is "aiding and abetting", and so am I for that matter.

Anyway, I really do not want ds riding with him anymore but am afraid if I "lay down the law" with ds he will only start sneaking around the way the neighbor kid does. And also, should I tell the parents what I know? This kid has been giving rides to his friends all summer! I hate being in this position!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2006
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 8:26pm
Just me, but I would say something. You probably would want them to tell you if the tables were turned and it would give you a chance to team up with the parents and let them know that you can work together to keep the kids from breaking the law. Don't be afraid of putting down the law out of fear of your kid sneaking around. The owness is on him to KNOW and OBEY your rules - if he doesn't, it's his fault, not yours.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 10:54am

We are going through this right now with DD except she is the driver. The law here is only one passenger in the car for the first 4 months and the passenger has to be over 18 and licensed. We keep explaining to DD that the more distractions she has in the car the more likely she is to get in an accident so she needs this time to get more experienced which is why they came up with these laws. However, I must confess that I am guilty of letting her give her best friend a ride to and from school with the understanding that they aren't out joyriding or making trips to the mall. DH and I both felt that this was ok considering the school is about 1 mile up the road and her best friend's house is on the way and the friend's parents are aware of this and have allowed it as well. When I was bringing DD to school I couldn't believe the masses of kids that were piled in their cars and they would drive right by the police that patrole the school every morning and nothing was being done about it. The fact that these laws haven't been enforced in our area did play into our own decision but either way you look at it this is still illegal and we are breaking the law. Areas of grey??

Before DD had her license we did have one rule about riding in cars. The rule was that she was not allowed in any car until we knew who the driver was and then we would decide whether she could go with that driver. So if you are uncomfortable with letting your DS get into that car then I would go with your instincts.

As to saying something to the parents, in my experience, most parents don't like it when someone confronts them about their own child. The last time I did confront a parent it was out of total concern for her son because he was doing drugs and he needed help. She didnt want to hear it and was completely rude to me and told me that if her son was on drugs she would know about it. I've learned that a lot of parents are not like the ones we see on this board.

Sorry I don't have better advice for you. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 2:58pm

Here in MA, the rule is no underage passengers in the car for the first 6 mos. after getting a license. Accd. to my DD, I was apparently one of the few parents to enforce this rule. If the kid is caught, the first time it's a 30 day suspension of the license, 2nd time 60 days, etc. I always felt that I should tell my DD that we had to obey the law, no exceptions (after all, I'm a lawyer and what kind of example am I setting if I say that she doesn't have to obey the law?) We did survive the 6 mos. although after that was over, I did get confirmation from her that sometimes she did drive w/ a friend in the car, although I never caught her. I figured she would try to get away w/ it some times, but I was not going to endorse it.

Now she still has to obey the rule that until she's 18, she can't drive after midnight. The other day she called and said she was at a friend's house a very short distance away and they were watching a movie which would be over at about 12:15 and could she come home late? I said no and to her credit, she was home before 12:00. I actally amended her curfew to 11:45 because she has this tendency to run late and I figure that will give her some leeway in case there are extra red lights or something and she won't be tempted to drive faster to get home. I actually don't care if she gets home at 11:45 (which I didn't tell her). I just want her home before midnight and when I am looking at the clock, it gets me nervous the later it gets. There was only one time that she stayed out late. I happened to get up at 12:30 and she wasn't home. I called her on her cell phone and the excuse was that she had been downloading some music and "lost track of time." I told her to come home immediately and waited up for her and she hasn't done that again.

I feel like if you don't completely enforce these restrictions, it becomes too confusing for the kids and you end up getting into a lot of arguments. My rule was that you can't drive w/ your friends in the car cause that's the law--end of discussion. Now you know that your DD isn't supposed to drive w/ a friend in the car but you allow her to drive to school w/ her friend. Well, then why can't she drive to a store close by w/ a friend? When is it ok to break the law? when it's convenient for you? I'm not getting down on you, but it is kind of inconsistent.

As far as other kids, I didn't monitor who was supposed to be driving and who wasn't. I told my DD that I was in charge of her and I couldn't be keeping track of who got their license when and who was allowed to drive w/ kids and who wasn't. That was their parents' problem to enforce. If I definitely knew my neighbors' kid across the street was driving w/o permission, I'm not sure if I would say anything if I had never even talked to the neighbors...if it was someone I knew, I would probably tell. I have mentioned to my DD that I didn't think it was fair of her to put a friend in the position of getting a ticket or a license suspension if they were driving her illegally.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 4:00pm
Looking back I think the only reason we allowed it was because DD was honest enough to tell us that she had been picking up her best friend every morning since she drove right by his house. We weighed the safety issues and the consequences and circumstances. So we allowed it with the understanding that she knew exactly what would happen if she got pulled over and we made sure that his parents knew as well. Whether she drove straight to school or stopped for breakfast first I guess I won't find that out until a much later date. But your absolutely right, the law is the law and what kind of example is that setting to choose which ones to obey.