More on myspace...what's a mom to do?
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| Wed, 02-08-2006 - 7:26pm |
Like many others I went to my space to see what was going on with my daughter and her friends. I was shocked to see that not only did she have a page, but she had posted her picture, what school she attends and said that she is 18 (she is 14). I have never had a problem with her. She follows rules, etc....but was shocked to see on her profile that she said that she has drank alcohol. I am in shock and am torn on what I should do. I know I can't let her keep the page with her picture and school, but, I would like to be able to read and monitor what is going on. She has a Sadie Hawkins dance on Saturday, and I would like to tell she is not going and let her know why. I am just stunned and need someone to give me a little shove to get me moving.
Do I confront her? Do I keep her from attending the dance, keep her away from friends who say they have been drinking too? This just has to end. God, I am not ready for this.

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As far as reading her myspace site, are you saying that your daughter doesn't know you have been reading it? If so, don't worry about it. Just tell her that there has been a tremendous amount of media coverage recently about the dangers of myspace (which there has been) and that a TV show gave instructions on how to find anyone's space. Just tell her you found hers through a simple search. Then ask her about the things you read about her. If you keep your tone of voice calm and your demeanor non-confrontational, she will probably open up a little.
Just lay it all out in the open for her. Gather some recent magazine and newspaper articles about myspace and read them together. Be very frank about the problems with personal web sites. And DON'T BE APOLOGETIC ABOUT SNOOPING!!! She might try to put a guilt trip on you for that, but don't fall for it.
None of us are ready for this, but here we are!
You should definately confront her, but try to approach it from the angle of a concerned and loving parent. These kids just don't get how dangerous the internet can be. When dd had a myspace, we allowed her to post a photo with a couple friends in it (who know and agreed), but we did not allow any identifying infromation (school, town, etc) We also had her set it to private and she had to give us her password. Our other rule was she could not post anything that she would not want her Nana or our parish priest to read. Sh
If your dd knows you'll be checking, she will probably seriously tone down the content. About the alcohol thing, kids make up all sorts of drama in their profiles. My niece's pro said she'd tried alcohol and she was referring to the time she asked for a sip of her dad's beer and he let her. She immediately spit it out in the grass, but somehow that didn't make it into her profie!
As to the dance, if it were my dd i would let her go. However, if the same thing happened AFTER I'd issued the myspace warning, I might not. I'd give her a chance if I were in your shoes.
One more thing, be sure you are monitoring her so she doesn't set up a new account under a different name.
Good luck!
jt
I have a 15 year old daughter and she dose have a myspace page with pictures too. I do check on hers alot I have her pass word and go look at her and I also check out her friends some of the things they say that they do. I think it's just to fit in. At this age they don't want to be know as the goodie too shoe even tho we want them to be. I feel that this is a way my daughter expresses herself. And if there is something I really don't like I tell her. Just lately she started showing me some of the girls that she know there pages and how bad there's are. I wish all parents would take a look at there childs page, the pictures of some of the girls looks like they should be in a men magazine,
Just keep your eyes open
"Do I keep her from attending the dance, keep her away from friends who say they have been drinking too? This just has to end. God, I am not ready for this."
Well, the reality is you can't lock her in her room and keep her from going to dances or outings with her friends forever or even until she 18. You have to lay down the guidelines, mean business, create consequences for lying about things or going outside the guidelines and then stick to it. Try to be fair - completely limiting her will undoubtedly make her act out even more. Make sure she understands that you will not tolerate underage drinking or promiscuous behavior. Stick to a curfew, hold her accountable for who she's with and what she's doing. And talk, a lot. Ask questions, but also give her the opportunity to ask you questions. You can find a balance if you allow her to stretch her wings a little but still be there for her and set reasonable limits.
"Do I confront her?" - Most definitely. Drag her over to the computer and show her what you see. I took it one step further and printed out some of the things I found on my dd's myspace and started reading it aloud to her. She was mortified. The fact is they would hardly say or do any of the things they post on thier myspace but the internet has a great sense of anonimity that they all enjoy so they feel free to post whatever. DOesn't make it right, but that's part of the reason. I'd also tell her that you will be checking it randomly after you make her remove her private information and change her age. Don't be surprised if she changes it all back again or creates a new page that you don't have access to, however.
Best of luck - we're up against a lot more than our parents ever were.
....deep breath....all of this is very sound and makes sense. I think I will try the "come take a look at this approach when I get home. We have always been able to talk things through and I don't want that to stop now.
Thanks, momtb4
chaparoning the dance is a great idea! She doesn't know I have been on her myspace. We have discussed myspace and the dangers in the past, but she assured me that her page was "private" and no one could see unless she allowed it. I found it just by plugging her school into search criteria.
I will let you know what happens.
Thanks Pam, I don't know for sure if she has tried alcohol or not. I have never expected it in the past. I am driving for the dance so I should be able to keep a close eye on things. I am also going to check into chaparoning.
Thanks for the great cool-headed response. Last night I was just freaked out. It is probably a good thing I waited to act until today. I will definitly confront her. I have always told her that once I don't trust her life will become very difficult. I will let you know what happens.
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