more on the subject of teenage drinking

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-1999
more on the subject of teenage drinking
8
Fri, 11-07-2003 - 2:44pm

We are really having issues in our house about going to parties where there is known teenage drinking, and I would like some more opinions about this.

                        Calmama54, from the beautiful


Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Fri, 11-07-2003 - 7:03pm

Cal, my girls are 19 & 22 now, & I can count on ONE hand the # of parties serving alcohol, that both of them combined attended during HS.

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Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 11-07-2003 - 9:15pm

I have to agree with you, sabr.



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Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 11-08-2003 - 9:05am
Our parenting style tends toward a lot of close supervision freshman and sophomore years, and then gradually loosening up through jr. and sr. years so that on graduation day we pretty much cut them loose and it seems to be working so far. Though S didn't live with us until jr year and he *needed* more controls and restrictions at that point than J had, just to get him on the right path. I don't think parents should be serving alcohol to minors or underage other than their own kids, which is legal here. I could serve my 12 y/o if I wanted and not have any problem, but I don't believe she's ready for that and neither is my 16 y/o. We don't serve alcohol to any of the older boys friends unless they're 21...which caused some disagreements when we were planning a graduation party for S & J last spring, but we all lived. If it kept some kids away it makes me question whether they would have been coming for DSs or for the booze. I know, especially sr yr, both S & J were at parties where there was alcohol, but never did they come home that I could tell they'd had any. That doesn't mean they didn't drink, it just means that they had enough respect for our expectations (which is not drinking at all, and *definitely* not drinking and driving) to keep it sensible. Couldn't smell it on them, they didn't act under the influence, and of course they're going to *say* they didn't even if they did. Neither one is a real party animal now that they pretty much come and go as they please, though the other night S called and said he wouldn't be coming home because he'd been playing video games with a friend 30 miles away (his new g/f's brother, who has been his friend since elementary school and is also 19) and they'd had a couple of beers while doing it. He didn't sound like he'd had anything at that point (it was nearly 2 a.m.) but I do appreciate his honesty and good judgement not to drive. As far as younger kids go though, I wouldn't allow my 16 y/o to go to a party where I knew there was alcohol or if I knew the parents weren't home. Thank goodness most of his friends have parents who have the same values and expectations as we do, so it really hasn't been a problem thus far.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-1999
Mon, 11-10-2003 - 2:34am

Thanks to all here, and at the AIK board, who responded to my post.

                        Calmama54, from the beautiful


Avatar for heartsandroses2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-10-2003 - 9:58am
Sabr - you are right on the money! My older dd doesn't even ask unless she has all the info: Who, what, where, when, and why...she also knows that I will check, if I feel it's necessary. She is 16 and she tells me where all the druggies from school hang out, where they get their dope, and why she's not interested in any boys (sadly, because I know she wishes there was a better pool to choose from) - it's because most of them are druggies. They all drink and have sex apparently, also. She was honest enough to tell me that while she's curious about trying a drink, she's more afraid of how it will affect her and what we will think of her. She chooses good kids to hang with and I know their familes well enough to know that they are of like mind. I am a little extra cautious and curious when a new friend enters the picture, however.

My younger dd, on the other hand...lol...she seems to gravitate towards many of the 'losers' in her grade (she is in 9th and 14). She goes into the basement to talk to her friends on the phone, she lies about stupid little things, etc. I know she's tried cigarettes, because one night she broke down in hysterics about it and how horrible she felt about lying about it and she was afraid she'd become addicted (she no longer smokes). I have to be extra careful about who she's with and where they are going and what they are doing. That's just the way it is for her. I have to say that I can't really trust her all that much and I hate that, but this is my job and I love her.

That I ask so many questions, sends my 14 dd over the edge - it drives her nuts. But too bad. Yesterday, I allowed her to go over this new girls home....and when I picked her up she went on and on about her friend's mom being so cool, and how they don't act like mother and daughter, they act like best friends, yadda yadda yadda. I just kept the questions lite and commented how nice it was that they were so close (because I didn't want to draw conclusions). Anyway, my 16 dd then said, "You mean like mom?" and 14 dd just gave her an ugly look! So, even though I'm an informed parent and demand to know all the W's, I'm still cool - lol - at least my 16 dd thinks so!

I've always been one of those parents who are regarded as nice, fair, but strict (translation: informed). I take my job as parent very seriously. I wish my parents did when I was growing up - it probably could have saved me a lot of grief. They let me run amock, I had loose curfews and was allowed to smoke cigarettes and pot, they knew what drugs I was doing and they knew we all drank - they even let us have the parties in my yard (my mother's position was that at least she knew where we were). I can recall wondering what it will take to get mom to stop and see what was happening. She was so focused on making sure I didn't have sex, that she let everything else fly. I don't want to parent blindly - and I think that saying "they are going to drink with or without our permission" is a farce. That's giving up and copping out - whatever you want to call it, but it's not parenting. Parenting is not a popularity contest, it's not placating your kids so there are never any waves. Our job is to love and guide, and that's where rules and boundaries come into play.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2003
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 5:33am
First of all I also live in California, Sacramento and I know that it is ILLEGAL for any parent to supply a party of teens alcohol. My daughter has been to a few parties where there is alcohol served, she chooses not to partake. I have told her that I know that these parties are out there and that if she chooses to drink I hope that she also chooses NOT to get into a vehicle with someone who has been drinking and that if she needs a ride to call me. I will not throw a fit, I will simply bring her home and thank her for calling me instead of getting into a car with somoene who is drunk. IF you want you can press charges against the parent's of the kids who have the liquor but that could only backfire on your child. I also went to alot of parties as a kid where there was drinking and drugging...and yes I took part in all of it...which is WHY I can't tell my daughter not to. The one and only time I got drunk however was after I had gotten married (I was about 28)I felt so horribly for three days after that I made a promise to myself that I've kept every since NEVER to get drunk ever a gain! One thing I don't do is that I don't try to fix everything. I know my daughter has to make her own mistakes and I let her. It's not always easy but that is how she is going to learn about life in the real world.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
Mon, 11-17-2003 - 12:36pm
I am a fairly liberal parent, and considered by my kids to be a "cool" mom. But, I do not approve of them drinking, I never have alcohol in my house, and they know I feel strongly about it. My son, almost 18 (lives with his dad), does go to parties, mostly at his best friend's house where I know they are drinking, and he always stays over, and no one ever drives when they are there, everyone who has been drinking stays over. He is very responsible and though I don't really like it , he is almost 18 and I know I really can't stop him. My daughter, living wiht me, is 15, and though I know I don't always know what she is doing when she is out, she knows if she ever comes home smelling of alcohol or visibly drunk, she is in trouble. She did pull this once when she was only 13, they had gotten into some vodka at a friends house, and I went wild, she was grounded for a long time, got her dad involved also, etc. I think part of my worry is also that there is a strong history of alcohol problems in my family, and I don't want to see either of my kids go down this path. Also, I did my share of partying as a teen, and know what can happen, and trying to avoid seeing this occur with them if I can. I also preach to them a lot about drugs, I know they are always accessible in high school, they both swear to me that they aren't into that, also they had their cousin die of a heroin overdose, so they know firsthand the dangers and don't seem to want to be involved in anything dangerous, so hopefully they will steer clear of that area.

Wendy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2003
Mon, 11-17-2003 - 11:12pm
I don't drink alot, I occasionally have a bottle of wine in the fridge, when my S/O is here I get him a bottle of Grand Mariner and a 6 pack of Corona, yes my daughter Has had beer and wine here at home under MY supervision. Her grandparents are Italian and most of the kids have been brought up drinking diluted wine and my daughter was no different. During my early 20s I was quite "fond" of a white powdery substance but smart enough to realize where it could lead me. Many of my friends weren't so lucky, some are still in prison, other's in mental hospitals and I have taken her to visit them. That has been quite a learning expierence for her. When she goes to parties where liquor is served she has a choice to make and so far she has chosen to stick with soda or water and then she keeps her eye on whatever she is drinking just in case someone decides to try and slip her something, if she has to put it down at anytime she will throw it out.