More vexing venting.. agggh...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
More vexing venting.. agggh...
19
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 9:24pm

So..I called DD at the last minute to say I'm disappointed I can't go snowboarding with her this weekend as my plane was delayed. She says no problem, I'll call Shawn and see if he can come. I say no, Shawn is not allowed on this weekend trip. (An overnighter at an activity center quite far up in northern MN with our church group).
She goes into ballistic hysteria. Why not!! WHAT do you think we'll DO ! It's chaparoned!
Asks Why not? 47 billion times. I calmly explain, "because it's not allowed"
Then says I'm being an "ass"and hangs up on me....

Wow.. This is some new 15 yr old behavior...
Name calling?
So.. Once again, putting her behavior completely aside for a moment, was this an acceptable restriction? How do you handle overnight youth activities? Even though the guys sleep on the other side of the building and "opportunities presenting themselves" would be highly unlikely here, I think "couples" at these events are unfair to the chaparones donating their time, and causes undue stress.
But... others may see it differently.
I recently gave advice to someone that teens are very good at making us second guess ourselves, and shouldn't be allowed to sway your rules or your focus.
That's worth one large Daddio harrumph.. Talking about someone else's kid seems so darn easy...:-)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2006
Sat, 02-25-2006 - 6:03am
i wouldnt really worry. it's a trip with a CHURCH group. it's not like their going to a swingers club...let her have a good time snowboarding with her sweetie. if you're worried about stuff happening, well, even if not on this trip, it will someday. maybe with him, maybe someone else. it's a fact of life. just hope you prepared her well enough to make educated decisions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Sat, 02-25-2006 - 8:15am

Yes, daddioe, it is MUCH easier giving advice about other people's teens! I recently posted on that subject, as a matter of fact.

In your case, I think you were absolutely right to stick to your guns. Sometimes, as parents, we make decisions based purely on our gut feelings. Your decision may not be "rational" to her - but it doesn't have to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 02-25-2006 - 8:37am

i guess i come from a different background.... when i was growing up - in quite a provinical town, in a country that was pretty provinical - i went to a jewish-orthodox youth movement (in those days, everyone belonged to a youth movement - some were religious, and some weren't, they were mostly affiliated with some political party).


anyway, we went to 3-7 days sleepaway camps every summer, and 2-3 days hikes on other school vacations. all the 'rules' pertaining to separation of the sexes were strictly enforced. its funny now that i look back because this particular youth movement has become even MORE 'religous' and i do know that they still have sleepaway camps etc.


I guess the point is - its not like they are going to be hitchhiking cross country on their own. they are going to be at a highly-chaperoned activity

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Sat, 02-25-2006 - 9:33am
I understand your frustration, daddio. Your first reaction was to say no, probably because you don't particularly trust the bf or like him around your dd anytime, much less hours away from home on an overnighter! I probably would have reacted the same way... not saying it's the correct response, but what are we supposed to do when we get hit with something we totally don't expect? We go with our gut reaction. I've been called "dumb" and worse for the decisions I make. Yes, I second-guess myself all the time. But in your situation, at least your dd knows how you feel... she certainly knows you don't think she should be with this guy. Maybe she will meet some other cool guy on the trip and become interested in dating others. That's what I always hope for when my dd does things away from her bf (which is rare). Maybe it's just wishful thinking though.
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sat, 02-25-2006 - 10:05am
Now that the other posters have addressed the "sleepover" issue, I want to address the name-calling issue.
I know what I would have done. What are you going to do about your daughter calling you an "ass?"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Sat, 02-25-2006 - 10:56am

Hey daddio,

Doesn't sound like this is a very good way to start off your weekend.

Knowing you have strong feelings about your DD spending any time at all with WB, I understand your hesitation in allowing him to accompany your DD on this trip. I honestly do not know what I would do in a similar situation, but I can't help but think that if WB had the opportunity to participate in a weekend that wasn't all about sex, drugs, alchohol ... all the activities he engages in on a regular basis, but just one that was a plain ol' good, clean fun weekend of skiing and hanging out, chaperoned, with other like-minded kids, (not minded like him, but like your DD and you) that it might be a good thing. He might see that he doesn't have to smoke weed or drink to have a good time. It could be a stretch, but you just never know.

Had you allowed him to go along, you might have felt the need to alert the chaperones to inspect his bags though!

With that said, though, I do think sticking to your 'no way' answer once you made that decision was probably a good thing. I have one child who learned if he just keeps asking, the answer is likely to change. I'm working on that.

BUT ... the 'ass' thing kinda bothers me. Had you been in her presence when this 'discussion' took place, you probably would have been subject to shouting, stomping feet, eye rolling, slamming doors, etc., which most likely, you could and would, overlook. But the name calling? I'm not so sure I'd let that one slide. I guess it's just rhetoric if she was actually 'calling' you an ass or saying you were 'acting' like an ass, but I think I'd take issue with that one. That alone might be my reason for not allowing WB on her ski trip.

Sorry your weekend had to start out like this; hope it gets better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Sat, 02-25-2006 - 11:18am
I think you were right in telling your dd that he couldn't go.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2005
Sun, 02-26-2006 - 5:21am
I was the teen dating a similar weenie boy, it seems like 2 lifetimes ago, I was also a member of a youth group. He was older , but was still allowed to participate it the w/e trips and the national youth convention(a week long out of state). He constantly pushed for alone time, even at these trips, so being able to FULLY parttake in the 'spirit' of the trips was impossible.
I wish , someone would have noticed, said aomething, tried to put a stop to it. My mom and step dad did not like him , but they never told me. (until seven years later , a divorce and two sons for me).
I may not have listened, but I might have. Your daughter is mad, so, if he is truely bad for her maybe it will sink in eventually (sooner rather than later , hopefully). But I agree with you sticking to your guns, and applaud you for wanting whats best for your DD. I also agree (w/ the post that said) that this trip is for the "youth group" which he is NOT part of (apparantly) or he'd already be going. I hope DD has a great time, maybe she'll even apoligize for the 'ass' comment when she gets home. (LOL- now I dreaming, a teen apoligizing!! :) k-
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Sun, 02-26-2006 - 10:03pm

Overnight trips are difficult and I agree that it does present stress on the chaperones but as one of the ones that usually does the chaperoning, I don't mind it all. DD's b/f has been allowed to go on church trips but once again, I am usually one of the chaperones. I also insist that there be a parent-adult chaperone in the room that DD's assigned to. I try not to be in DD's room on trips. I made the mistake of letting him go to a softball tournament a couple years ago. The girls didn't stay in the rooms with their parents (no adult in the rooms). B/f took beer into her room. She didn't drink but he did so she got suspended from the team. Since then, I have insisted that an adult be in her room if he's on a trip - she actually agrees with me on this. She realizes she wasn't old enough to handle that situation and that she put her roommate in a bad situation - she was suspended as well.

I guess on church trips - I look at at like this. DD is in a long-term relationship with this guy and I want their faith to be a part of their relationship. These trips help to encourage that. Also what if she started dating someone that was already in the group? He would be allowed to go.

I would just make sure that DD, b/f and chaperones knew what I expected of all involved. If the chaperones were young adults, I would have more concerns. They may think they know all the tricks kid pull but until it's your kid they don't understand the seriousness of some of this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 9:05am

Thanks for all the input.
DD apologized but I still don't think she gets it.
There were 30 kids on this trip and 2 adults.
Even if I was thrilled with her boyfriend, I would still have the same position.
Regardless of what I think may or may not happen, (nothing really) I just don't think church over-nights are appropriate "dates".
Church group events are supposed to be for group interaction and group participation. keyword - group.
Not fauning all over your boyfriend to the exclusion of everyone else.

In my own experience as a chaparone, for younger teens such as DD, boyfriends (or girlfriends for that matter) tagging along in church groups have a place for some activities, but can be an annoying distraction in many others.

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