More vexing venting.. agggh...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
More vexing venting.. agggh...
19
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 9:24pm

So..I called DD at the last minute to say I'm disappointed I can't go snowboarding with her this weekend as my plane was delayed. She says no problem, I'll call Shawn and see if he can come. I say no, Shawn is not allowed on this weekend trip. (An overnighter at an activity center quite far up in northern MN with our church group).
She goes into ballistic hysteria. Why not!! WHAT do you think we'll DO ! It's chaparoned!
Asks Why not? 47 billion times. I calmly explain, "because it's not allowed"
Then says I'm being an "ass"and hangs up on me....

Wow.. This is some new 15 yr old behavior...
Name calling?
So.. Once again, putting her behavior completely aside for a moment, was this an acceptable restriction? How do you handle overnight youth activities? Even though the guys sleep on the other side of the building and "opportunities presenting themselves" would be highly unlikely here, I think "couples" at these events are unfair to the chaparones donating their time, and causes undue stress.
But... others may see it differently.
I recently gave advice to someone that teens are very good at making us second guess ourselves, and shouldn't be allowed to sway your rules or your focus.
That's worth one large Daddio harrumph.. Talking about someone else's kid seems so darn easy...:-)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 10:36am

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I would not have allowed DD to go on this trip to begin with. Some of the posters implied that since it was a church trip all the kids are going to be angels anyway - wrong. In years past, I've been at conferences that some of the groups were not well chaperoned - girls climbing out of second story windows to meet guys they just met (one young lady was raped by the guy, she couldn't get away b/c she hurt her leg while escaping from her room to meet him), another guy was put on the bus by the chaperone and sent home b/c he brought cigarettes on the trip, etc. If the trip is not well chaperoned and 1 adult to 15 kids is not well-chaperoned, my DD wouldn't have been going in the first place. Suppose one of the kids got hurt and one chaperone had to go with them, then you have one adult and 29 kids - not a safe situation at all.

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 1:13pm
Daddio, glad to hear she apologized. Did she manage to enjoy the trip? Or did she really give you the cold shoulder and continue to "not understand why bf couldn't come along?" If it were my dd, I know she would continue to "not understand" and be mad at me about it. Just curious. Sometimes I find that hard to deal with. I think I am getting better though... lately, I just let it go until the opportunity to talk about something else comes up.
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 1:33pm

Teens....heh..
I picked her up from the trip. She was fine..She was happy.. Had a good time..
It was like it was forgotten.
A far cry from the hysterical fit on Friday.
I was the one who had to bring it up.
I asked if she understands now why I made that decision.
"Oh....yeah.. sorry about that."

I said I don't appreciate being called names if you don't get your way.
"Yeah...sorry about that."

So... I guess that's, that.....
I'm finding teen girls are easier than boys in many respects... and much harder in others..

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 2:12pm
Interesting... so teen girls are EASIER??? I have a DD 16 and DS 15 but in my case I'd say the boy is easier. I wonder if it is that you are a dad and daughters may take what dad says to heart a little more. That's why your calm and educated approach seems to be working. I'm happy to report that my DH is finally getting on the same page as me. I've been talking to him about this board... it really is a great place to learn how to make good parenting decisions... especially when we feel hopeless. He is beginning to actually listen to the kids instead of just order them around, and it is working. He is very intelligent and for years I couldn't figure out why he just couldn't get the parenting thing; he didn't seem to even try. Now he is "getting it", I think (and pray). It is so important to have Dad show empathy. I really think that's where kids get their self-esteem. Too often Dad (being a guy) wants to compete and "win" his side at all costs. Teens certainly will humble a parent. I'm so glad things worked out well for you on the snowboard trip issue. Surely your DD respects you and will grow up with confidence. I'll bet she won't stay with WB all that long either.
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 9:20pm

<<>>
lol... Interesting question..I guess it's all comparatively relative..

DS (now 25) is deaf and has a frontal lobe injury thanks to meningitis at 16 months. Then schizophrenia hit at 15. He spent the majority of his adolescence thinking he worked for the CIA and had a Japanese wife. When he was at rock bottom he thought he was Jesus Christ. I could go on for pages about him. His IQ tested in the genius range. He's been stabilized on meds for a few years now. He is the nicest, most pleasant, caring soul. This.. from a guy who at 18 told me to get the F*** out of his life since he couldn't stand my guts. We have a lot of fun together that we missed in his growing up years. He was just too out of it.
When the movie "A Beautiful Mind" came out, we saw it together and both cried like babies in the movie theatre. People must have thought we were nuts. oh well...That was a little older version of HIM up on that screen.

Middle DS (now 22) was a high school pot head. I literally pulled the rug out from under him in his senior year. Funny... He hated my guts too. He's at the U of M and will be a teacher like DW. He is now a fitness nut like his old man, goes to AA regularly (mainly for socialization. Where else can you find 22 year olds that still know how to party and have a good time without alcohol and drugs?.lol) We also have a really good time together. He told me once that if I hadn't turned his world upside down in high school, his life would be very different than it is now. I think that was the nicest thing he could ever say to me.

DD is still a work in process. She saw both older brothers "self medicate" their problems and will have absolutely nothing to do with it. As far as the teen stuff goes, she is by far the easiest...... so far. I get a little jumpy about her and boys, but I need to remember that she can figure this out without a catastrophe. That is extremely difficult for me.

I don't really even know where this is going. It may be said that I'm an "involved" dad. harrumph..
So are a lot of others who didn't fair so well. A bit of it is "us".. but so much of it is "them", that I really wonder about the fate card. I feel extremely lucky how the boys have turned into who they are, but I'm not dumb enough to take credit for it. I wonder if the teen years are "designed" to make us REALLY appreciate them as young adults.

All of my kids are significantly smarter than me when I was their ages... about everything..about life in general.

Well.. thats my soliloquy for the evening....

<<>>
GET HIM IN HERE!
This board has saved my sanity more than once...

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 9:52pm

daddioe, 2 mths ago I would have said you did the wrong thing in not letting your DD with her b/f on the Church trip. Now, I've learned the hard way you are right. My DS went on a school overnight trip for his 19th birthday. Also on this trip was a young girl (16) who really liked my DS. All the kids & teachers slept in this large tent they made out in the freezing cold. Late that night, DS woke up as the young lady asked if she could cuddle with DS as she was extremely cold. So he joined their sleeping bags together and started back to sleep. Well, she had other things on her mind that caused him to forget about his g/f of 10 mths. Now he is miserable because he acted in a purely physical (& stupid) way by having sex with this girl. They did this with teachers right in the tent with them. Unfortunately, my DS has learned a very difficult & painful lesson from this but I suspect the young girl is even more unhappy because I believe she felt that by seducing him, she would get him as a b/f. Instead, their friendship has ended.

I'm still in shock. Dee

Avatar for mily12
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 12:32pm

Since you've already gotten 17 replies, I had originally decided not to put in my two cents, however, I've changed my mind. Lucky, you. LOL

Since it is Church sponsored and chaparoned I might have let her bring her BF, however, since she responded by calling you an "ass", then I think she blew any chance of having weenieboy joining her. In fact, I might even have considered disallowing (is that a word or did I just make it up?) her from going, herself.

Mily

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 3:45pm

Wow daddioe - I didn't know your oldest ds was deaf, too.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 4:23pm
That doesn't sound like adequate supervision to me. You were right, of course. And by the way, an old co-worker of mine got pregnant by a boy in her youth group (who then later took her to get the abortion - ouch!). She said they weren't "watched" all that well. I imagine all a teenage boy needs is 3 minutes anyway!

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