Mothers of teenage girls please HELP ME

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2003
Mothers of teenage girls please HELP ME
5
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 8:20am
I am a 25 year old mother of two. I am very mature for my age my daughter is 7 so I had to mature quickly. I have a 16 year old cousin she is a great kid and confides in me a lot, recently she has been telling me she doesn't want to have sex because she understands the consequences but she also says her parents give so much freedom and every chance to be having sex. She feels like her parents wouldn't care if she did have sex. I assure her that is NOT the case. I explained to her that her parents trust her and they don't want her having sex for sure plus they would never trust her again if she did. The problem is my Aunt and Uncle do let her go out quite a lot and for long periods of time and I wouldn't be so concern about her doing something but more for her boyfriend.We all know what 18 year old boys are thinking about!!!! I seriously think if her parents don't cut back her boyfriend time she might do something she regrets and ruin her relationship with her parents. She tells me how when she is with him her mind says no but her body says yes. I can't tell my Aunt and Uncle because I feel like I'll betray her trust but at the same time feel like I'm betraying my Aunt and Uncle for not telling them this. If I do say anything they might freak out and then she will find out I told. Do you think my Aunt might keep it a secret if I say that she is being pressured to have sex and I think on a personal experience that the more time you have the more chances I had to fool around until...you have sex. I will then just suggest to her to be more open about sex talks with her daugther because she is afraid to talk to her and to cut back how long she out with her boyfriend or to just stick to public places. Does this make sense???Please Help!!!Should I say anything at all or let her deal with her own issues I love her and I don't want her to end up like I did pregnant at 17
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 9:28am
I'm not the mom of a girl but have two teenage boys and yes, I think you ought to talk to your aunt.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 9:55am

I don't know your aunt, so it is very hard to predict how she would respond. Since your cousin is coming to you freely, I woulg suggest that you continue to counsel her and do your best to guide her. Maybe you can help her gain the courage to talk to her mom.

About the freedom... Does she have the kind of freedom where the parents appear to be unconcerned with her comings and goings, or is it more of the "prove me wrong" kind of freedom where the parents give her their trust and expect her to do the right thing?

She might need to communicate to her parents that sometimes she needs to rely on them to play the bad guy. This summer I snesed my dd, 14, was trying to avoid situations where she was even remotely "alone" with her bf. I had called his parents before she went to his house for the first time for a small party and made it clear that we did not allow them in any room in our house where we could not see them. I found out later that she and he had been in the basement waiting for the others to arrive and quite a bit of making out had gone on. I had no intention of allowing her to go back and she was unaware that I knew about it. When I saw her hesitation at being invited to a "party" at her bf's friend's house, I told her that, while there are few acceptable reasons to lie, I would be glad to be the heavy when she was faced with a situation that made her uncomfortable, but one she may not know how to refuse. We devised a "code word" - if she uses the word (beginning the sentance by calling me "mother" - something she otherwise doesn't say) I will say "no" and there will be no questions asked. She's only used it once, but it's nice to have it in place.

Your cousin might benefit from working something like that out with her parents. It might help.

She's lucky to have such a caring and mature cousin.

jt

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2003
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 10:01am
I agree that my cousin is crying out for guidance and supervision she agrees too that her parents trust her too much thank you so much for your advice
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 10:49am

I would discuss this with the cousin first and ask her how she wants you to handle this. I would suggest that you talk with the aunt from your own perspective, after all you are a young mom. You could approach this from two different ways:

You could say I've noticed that cousin has alot of free time with her b/f. I remember how hard it was at that age to have that much alone time with a guy. I really struggled with decisions about sex. Does that worry you or how do you handle that?

Or you could approach it this way once again saying I've noticed that cousin has alot of free time with her b/f. I remember how hard it was at that age to have that much alone time with a guy. Watching her and remembering my own hormones, I'm already thinking about how I'm going to handle this with my DD. What have you said to cousin? Do you have any suggestions for me?

Either of these conversations, will get your aunt to think about this as a potential problem and maybe she will address it. You will not be betraying DC's confidence nor will you directly give aunt something to freak out about. But once again, I would give serious thought to asking cousin first if there is anything you can do to help her with this.

One thing I've done with DD was to give her a code word. She has to check in with me every few hours if she is not a "scheduled" event. If during a check in time, she uses that code word I suddenly become the witchy mom and she has to come home or Dear Uncle Morty thinks he's having a heart attack and she needs to come home or whatever. You might could insist some type of policy with cousin - sort of a support system. DD would never use this code word with me (mom) as a way to deal with sex but she might with a young cousin such as yourself. Also, it's wonderful that she is comfortable discussing this with you. So many teens feel like they have no one except other teens to talk to. I've encouraged our youth director to hold special programs on sex/abstinence and that has helped. Sometimes they will "hear" the same things mom tells them from someone else. So please hang in there with her. Your doing a good job.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2003
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 7:52pm
Thank you so much for your advice that approach towards my Aunt where I am not really saying anything but just talking from my own experience and as a mother of a daugther. I might give her a bit of a reality check my Aunt is a little old fashioned I don't think she realizes that girls this young are thinking of sex especially our daughters!!! I will definitely talk to her next time I see her I will just kinda bring it up out of no where so she doesn't think I specifically wanted to talk about that.