Motivating a 14 yo boy
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| Thu, 03-16-2006 - 8:35am |
My son, 13 1/2 is in 8th grade. In the fall he will be entering high school. He is a smart kid who does not work up to his potential, which I understand is fairly common among boys. It seems that there are a lot of boys in that category around here. His grades are ok - he is an A-/B+ student (more B+ B lately, though), and that is with minimal effort. He says he is doing the best he can, but he really isn't. All his teachers say he has the ability and his father and I feel he does as well. I've talked with him until I'm blue in the face and just don't know what to do anymore.
My biggest concern right now is math (he is taking Algebra as an 8th grader, which is typically a 9th grade course). He has a solid B sometimes a B+ but he makes a lot of stupid, careless errors. In fact, the vast majority of points taken off on his papers are computational or careless. In order to take Honors courses in high school (math) he needs to have a B+ average for the year, and I really don't think at this point he will be able to do it. I just want him to have the option, whether he actually takes the honors classes is another issue that we'll deal with later. Anyone who has been there and has some advice would be appreciated.

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Forgive me for jumping in on this discussion a little late, but I'm a little puzzled now. His teachers say he does his work, turns in his homework, etc. Even you say he is very disciplined with his school/homework. If your DS says he is doing the best he can, how can you fault him for that? His best might not be 'your' best, or what you think his best 'should' be, but from what I've read, he's doing his work, turning in homework, being responsible, etc. and to me, it sounds like he is doing his best, or pretty close to it. It seems that you are convinced he isn't doing his best because at this point, his grades don't warrant honors classes, and that seems to be more important to YOU than believing your DS when he says 'I'm doing the best I can'.
If he wasn't doing his work, not turning in homework, etc., and had a A-/B+, I'd think something else. That wouldn't be his best. He should do the work, turn it in and his grade will go up. That's a no brainer. This is not the case, though.
My DD is an excellent student, too. She had a 4.0 all three years of middle school and she is NOT in honors or advanced math in high school as a freshman. She doesn't care and neither do I -- it's not a big deal. She may be coasting a little bit in math, but she has other advanced courses that do require a lot of time and effort.
If your DS is 3 points away from the cut-off for honors classes, he'll either push himself or he won't. At this point in the academic year, I think it is his responsibility. So what if your DS doesn't get into honors math, or any other honors class, in high school? He'll do well in a regular math course, and chances are, will be bumped up into honors in his sophmore year. This is only his freshman year and it will be plenty stressful as it is.
I recognize that there is a fine line drawn between encouragement and pushing. You might want to step back and see which side of the line you are on with regard to this.
The thing is he doesn't study for his tests very long. He studies a 1/2 hour and is done. One of the things I worry about is that it is going to get a lot harder in high school and I don't want him to learn the studying lesson then. He's gotten some C's this year when he hasn't studied at all (on tests not the report cards). Last term his report card was all B+/A-, but this term it is not going to be. You are right, though, there is nothing more I can do. If he doesn't want it, he doesn't want it. The problem is that he will wake up next year and want it when it counts and will still be behind the 8-ball. I'm trying to guide him into avoiding that.
The thing is this math class is the prereg for the honors math sophomore year. (Alg II). This class is actually the pre-req for the freshman and sophomore year honors classes in math. So unless he has the average this year, he won't be able to take any honors math until jr. year and that is only if he has a 95 average. The stakes get much higher.
I know. It is hard to sit back, watch and keep quiet when you feel your child is setting him/herself up for disappointment or failure by not preparing in advance or not preparing at all.
I am in that mode with my DD. She accused me last week of nagging her and she is probably right. I prefer to think I am 'reminding' her, though LOL. There are several fairly major school related projects and activities coming her way in the next week. She has done very little to prepare for any of it and I suspect it will be a last minute push on her part but, I resolve to stay out of it, and am biting my tongue.
DD has some very lofty goals for herself with regard to college and her life. I so want to help her meet those goals, but that line between enouragement and pushing grows ever more faint the older they get.
Good luck.
nemom, I'm sorry..you didn't come here to get beat up, but a little perspective may be of some value..
Particularly for boys, 8th grade is generally considered the bottom of the barrel in terms of academic performance for a variety of reasons.
Both of my DS's were major screw ups in 8th grade. **I** was a major immature screw up in 8th grade. Maybe it's genetic, but all of us pulled C's, D's and a few F's for that brief, wonderful period of acadamia where education is the last thing on our priority list. Obviously, not all 8th graders pull grades like that, but for the most part, we were simply too busy noticing girls, fretting over a zit, imagining we're going to be professional athletes, and being distracted from that thing going crazy down there.
8th grade is simply a burp in the evolutional process. That too shall pass.
We all seemed to function well in high school with A's and B's and progressed to college to lead reasonably productive lives.
So...when you DS is pulling A's and B's (god forbid a C), studies for "only a half an hour" for a test, does that mean he's not prepared for it? Or should he study longer to "discipline himself for the future"?
Of course, you should have expectations for performance, but really....you are taking on an issue that seems to bring needless hand wringing.
My dear brother is an engineer with a major electrical component manufacturer. In college he took those mathematics courses that were so advanced, they didn't really deal with numbers anymore; just symbols, equations and concepts. He never took honors math in high school.
Your comment the "stakes get higher" is concerning. It seems you have significant fear of the future regarding your DS. At 14, he'll still have ample opportunity to get into the right college. In the meantime, there is so much more going on in his head right now that I hope is being addressed as well.
D
Hi ladies,
Please let me just add that there are more things to life than honors classes and high marks. A happy kid who feels accepted and loved and accepts and cares for others is exactly what this world needs more of. I haven't lowered
Your post said pretty much exactly what I wanted to, but didn't say as nicely or thoughtfully as you did. So thanks. I agree 100%.
Plus, when are we going to start listening to our kids when they say, "I'm doing the best I can"??? If we want a relationship with our teens as they venture out into the world and eventually on their own, what does it say when we don't believe them? I fear eventually they will stop talking to their parents, which is what alot of them do. After all, how would we feel if we were to say, "I'm doing my best" and everyone around you says, "No, sorry, you're not."
Yeah, hair pulling comes to mind....
Let me tell you my ds13.5 falls RIGHT into this line. He KNOWS the material; he aces homework, repeats stuff to me, BUT he literally bombs tests. I've talked to the counselors and his teachers since 5th grade and they all say they're not worried about him because they know he 'gets it'. To me that's a disservice because I know that something just isn't clicking on tests, which he DOES study for, with my help, til I KNOW he knows the material (not to helicopter parent, but because he WANTS the help because he is SO frustrated at acing homework and getting Ds on exams - we do all sorts of methods of studying and he's gotten good at doing them for himself as well, but NONE of this seems to help his bottom line test scores - even though a teacher can (and has) questioned him right after the test and he knows the material COLD). I'm seriously starting to wonder if it's some chemical imbalance thing that he's experiencing during testing. A work friend of mine says his son was JUST like this in MS, but come high school, it's like that cloud lifted and the grades picked up. I'd sure like to think that'll be the case, but so far I'm not convinced.
Sue
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That's what I was trying to say too, but you and Betty said it much more eloquently.
I have often wondered what long-term effect this 'push to succeed and excel' mentality prevalent in schools, sports, extra-curricular activities will have on our children. Can't imagine it will be good.
We recently had a friend visit from a different state. Her DS is a freshman, like my DD. She was saying that on the east coast where they live, it isn't enough for a high school graduate to have a 4.0 to get into a 'good' school, or even their school of choice. They need credentials that indicate a GPA higher than a 4.0, a long-term history of community service, a sport they excel at and have played for a certain number of years, an Eagle Scout rank or something like that, etc. She said it's just very competitive and parents start pushing their kids early, early on, start donating to their college of choice years in advance -- all that stuff, and even then the kids aren't guaranteed acceptance. I'm sitting there thinking "huh?????"
I find this to be more than a little exteme. Living in the state of an excellent UC university system, I'd like to think that the requirements to get into one of those schools is a little less rigid.
I mean, the 'average' kids still can go to 'good' college, right?
Edited 3/17/2006 2:28 pm ET by hydrangea_blue
Particularly for boys, 8th grade is generally considered the bottom of the barrel in terms of academic performance for a variety of reasons>>>
That is so true. I've heard of so many kids that blossom in high school; my son is a good kid. He's not into drugs, enjoys his family, is interested in girls but not the point that he has his hands all over them like some I've seen, into sports etc.
That is why we are trying to point out to him that he should be trying to do his best. We know he isn't because his teachers (particularly math) has said he has the ability but doesn't break a sweat over it. It is not like we are making this up. There's nothing wrong with wanting and expecting a child to do his best; in fact I think there's more wrong with NOT expecting it.
And it seems like he is listening to us because he is putting more time into his studies as we speak.
I've told my child many times - too many to count that if he were working really hard and pulling in B's and C's I would not be upset. What I get upset about is when he doesn't put effort into his work and then gets the grades he gets. My son's math teacher told me he has the ability but doesn't break a sweat. That to me doesn't sound like a kid who is doing his best, even though he says he is. I am not fulfilling my job as a good parent if I don't encourage him to do his best. To not encourage him and accept the mediocrity is worse, and neglectful as a parent IMO.
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